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Relationship Health Message Board

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Well, I think it's important for you to take a good, hard honest look at exactly what you're dealing with here. What you describe regarding your boyfriend and the way he talks to you is verbal abuse, nothing less, and it won't do you any good to sugarcoat or soft peddle it. He has no right to say those things to you, and every time you put up with it, let it go, or take it, you are teaching him that it's ok and acceptable for him to speak to you that way. You ask "who talks to their girlfriend that way?" A self-centered, verbally abusive young man with anger management issues whose girlfriend allows him to talk to her that way, that's who. I don't always agree with Dr. Phil, but I do agree to a large extend when he says you teach people how to treat you, and you have taught your boyfriend that he is perfectly within his rights to speak to so abusively and with such disrespect because he has never had to suffer a consequence for it.

I'm much older than you, 42, and I've lived a lot more years than you and have a lot fewer years left, so for me, I know life is way too short to spend with someone who treats me that way. The first time he ever spoke to me that way, he'd be history so fast his head would spin for a week. I'm not saying dump him, but I am saying that if you want him to stop speaking to you so abusively, then you have to teach him to stop it. And that means you will have to risk losing him, and you have to be unafraid to lose him. You have to be willing to love yourself first and put yourself first and love yourself enough to say "I don't let anyone speak to me like that, and the next time you do, there will be consequences" and mean it and back it up. It can't be an idle threat, or it does no good.

But having someone in your life who abuses you like your boyfriend does will cause deep, deep harm to your self esteem, harm you won't even notice is happening. You won't even feel the full effects of his abuse until you try to go do something you used to do before him and haven't done in a while and you will see how much more insecure and frightened you are now. Please don't let this happen. Start standing up for yourself and stop letting him abuse you like this. Don't you think you deserve a boyfriend who is kind and nice to you all the time?

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