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Ok, I'm 21 and my boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months is 23. In the beginning of the relationship we hardly every fought, but now we fight a lot. I would say it started around after Christmas of 06'. Some days he can be the nicest person in the world, and other days he is just so downright nasty. We see eachother every single day and he practically lives at my house. My Mom and Dad don't mind because they like him a lot, but sometimes they feel as if he doens't respect me and he talks nasty to me. For example, if I "give him an attitude" about something, or complain about something, or disagree with something he gets so mad. I never ever curse either or call him names or anything. He'll turn around he be so mean to me and call me a "fat ****," and say "i hope you die" all this stuff. And I say to him, ''Why would you say something like that?? You have a temper problem and get mad so easily at things. I never curse at you first, or call you names first, and you just blow up for no reason." And he'll say that's how he is and he can't help saying those things because they just come out. He says that he doesn't mean it. But it's just so annoying that someone that supposedly is inlove with you and loves you would even have the nerve to say something like that. Also, we like never have sex anymore!! My birthday was on the 16th and we haven't had it since then. Right now he is sleeping in my room because he only got 4 hours of sleep last night. So obviously he is tired I understand, but still, that's a long time to me!! And everytime we have sex I get mad at him while we're doing it about something and then we'll stop. I know that I can't get mad at him because he's tired, but I feel that he never wants to do anything. We hardly ever go out on the weekends to go out to eat or see a movie, and when we do which is like once or twice a month, sometimes he'll be mean because he's paying and he'll be like ''who's paying?" My family and friends always say well you guys shouldn't be seeing eachother every single day and its not healthy. I feel that even if we didn't see eachother every day, it would still be there same as it is right now. I feel that the relationship wouldn't get better at all, it would just stay the same. I do make time to hang out with my friends and family. I see my boyfriend almost every single day, but he'll hang out with his friends and go out too. I'm also annoyed about him going back to college. He was a straight A student in highschool, and went to Stonybrook University for 3 years and kept changing majors because he didn't know exactly what he wanted to do yet. He has a lot of credits, but didn't receive his bacherlor's yet b/c of his majors changing all the time. Right now he's a supervisor at a company called UPS and makes good money, but I think of the future and what I want. I want him to make more money and get a degree because I feel like if he doesn't go back, he just wasted all of his straight A's away! I know he could be so successful and get a bachelor's degree. I eventually want to get an apt. with him, but he said he won't have money for that because he's getting a new car in the next month. He says he wants to go back to college and he is going to go now this fall semester, but in spring of 08.' I try so hard to believe him, but I feel that he's not going to go back. Sometimes I just wish I had a b/f that was going for his bachelor's and was confident and determined and knew what he wanted in life sooner because he is 23. I'm going for my bachelor's right now to become a teacher. I don't know I'm just so confused. He treats me bad and then treats me nice. When we get along its awesome, but when he's mean I just feel like breaking up with him. In the past 5 months we've said to eachother "I'm done with you" and then saw eachother the next day and was over it. I feel that I'm never mean to him ever. He says that I have to change my attitude because I'm very snotty sometimes, and I make him mad and I make him say the things he says. But honestly, I think in my head, who says those things to their girlfriend?? I can't even imagine another guy saying that to their girlfriend. Someone help b/c I don't know what to do. Right now he's sleeping in the room and I'm here out on the computer, and before I came out here I was like cuddling with him and he was like don't breath on me because I can't breath. And I was like Steve, I can't lay next to you? And he was like no, **** you I don't want you near me. It's just so weird. When we play sports too outside, if I do really good and I'm not on his team for something, he'll be like "It's just luck ***!" WHO SAYS THAT?? why can't he be like "good job babe." He also says to me, "Well if you were skinnier like you used to be when I first met you, I wouldn't say the things I say to you now, and I would do whatever you wanted me to." I got so upset when he said that to me. I did gain like 60 pounds all together since we've met, but I'm not fat whatsoever. A little chubby, but I've always been chubby my whole life. And then when I talked to him later about saying that to me, he said "I don't mean that. I just say that cuz I get mad." Somehow I honestly don't believe it. I feel that if I was skinnier and "dressed hotter" (words of Steve) then he wouldn't be mean to me, and I feel that he wouldn't complain about always paying all the time, meanwhile I do pay for things a lot because I feel bad because we see eachother everyday and eat like 3 meals a day together and don't expect him to always have to pay for everything. I'm just so confuuuuused I don't know what to do. I feel that he is the one for me, and marrying him and having kids and living in a house would be my dream come true. But then on the other hand, I don't know, because I think of the way he treats me sometimes and it hurts really bad.

Someone please write your advice on this. I know it is a lot to read but I just had to get it out.
Well, I think it's important for you to take a good, hard honest look at exactly what you're dealing with here. What you describe regarding your boyfriend and the way he talks to you is verbal abuse, nothing less, and it won't do you any good to sugarcoat or soft peddle it. He has no right to say those things to you, and every time you put up with it, let it go, or take it, you are teaching him that it's ok and acceptable for him to speak to you that way. You ask "who talks to their girlfriend that way?" A self-centered, verbally abusive young man with anger management issues whose girlfriend allows him to talk to her that way, that's who. I don't always agree with Dr. Phil, but I do agree to a large extend when he says you teach people how to treat you, and you have taught your boyfriend that he is perfectly within his rights to speak to so abusively and with such disrespect because he has never had to suffer a consequence for it.

I'm much older than you, 42, and I've lived a lot more years than you and have a lot fewer years left, so for me, I know life is way too short to spend with someone who treats me that way. The first time he ever spoke to me that way, he'd be history so fast his head would spin for a week. I'm not saying dump him, but I am saying that if you want him to stop speaking to you so abusively, then you have to teach him to stop it. And that means you will have to risk losing him, and you have to be unafraid to lose him. You have to be willing to love yourself first and put yourself first and love yourself enough to say "I don't let anyone speak to me like that, and the next time you do, there will be consequences" and mean it and back it up. It can't be an idle threat, or it does no good.

But having someone in your life who abuses you like your boyfriend does will cause deep, deep harm to your self esteem, harm you won't even notice is happening. You won't even feel the full effects of his abuse until you try to go do something you used to do before him and haven't done in a while and you will see how much more insecure and frightened you are now. Please don't let this happen. Start standing up for yourself and stop letting him abuse you like this. Don't you think you deserve a boyfriend who is kind and nice to you all the time?

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