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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I guess I'm the only guy to post to this thread. orion, I know how you feel. As a guy, we ARE physically affected in the area of attraction. We may LOVE someone, but loose physical attraction if they become . . . well, not what we find attractive.

It's a "song and dance" that probably happens in most relationships, because when people get older, often they gain weight, and everyone does get more wrinkled. So, you have to overcome those feelings of physical attractiveness with close friendship that can and often does last for many many years.

Now, having said that, at 23 and 190 lbs, on a 5'1" frame, that is (I have to agree) not attractive to a lot of guys. Some guys LIKE larger women, but you do not, and that's the way you are. BUT, I know what you are feeling and know you speak the truth when you aren't just talking about her weight, and how it makes a body LOOK, . . . but also what that weight does to a body's health. I'm right with you there! If you care about someone, you want them to be with you, and healthy. It is a medical fact that being overweight, like your girlfriend is hard on the body.

I also agree with many who state that she is going to have to WANT to loose it. And loosing weight is a VERY hard thing to do. I would help her in that as much as you can.

As for what you should do, relationship wise, I can't and won't give you any suggestions. They are, of course, up to you. But you both do need to have some sort of sincere communications with each other because this can be a major issue and she needs to realize that guys CAN NOT think the same way girls do. You have to be true to yourself because if you're not, . . . if you get married, you may not have that level of love that really is necessary for a strong marriage. It won't be fair to you, . . .and it won't be fair to her. Breakups hurt before marriage. They are far worse and damaging after marriage.


[QUOTE]***here is my main question*** What do about her not wanting to lose weight as long as she is with me? She has to want to lose the weight for her and I truly believe she won't want to while she is with me. I believe she would lose the weight if she was single but as long as she has me she has no motivation. [/QUOTE]

I think your right, there is a huge possibility that she doesn’t want to lose the weight while she is with you because she is unhappy. I found that happened to me, and when we broke up I still didn’t lose the weight, then when I met someone new I was so happy, I lost so much weight really fast and I wasn’t doing anything but being happy. However now we are married and I have gained back even more, and I have always been overweight and now I’m obese but I found out that is because of health, which affects my happiness. And over all the years doctors ran so many tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with me, so I was thinking it was my motivation, however you couldn’t get me to push myself in to the ground to look good for someone. and my overweight issue, that I have struggled with since I was a child. it took a long time to find out that I was actually celiac, and my body is unable to absorbed vitamins, as well as bloating, sickness and huge weight gain. Which caused even more health problems. but with a simple diet change and not eathing things that my body can't have, has made a huge difference.
[QUOTE]If she came out and said I am not going to ever lose the weight than at least I would know where we stand. It would seriously put me in a thinking position and a difficult position. Yet she doesn't say that. She says she wants to lose the weight but her actions speak otherwise. [/QUOTE]

I know she wants to lose weight. From everything that you said, she first brought it up with you, and now you are obsessing over it. You said you didn’t even notice until she told you. That is EXACTLY like my husband and I. I use to feel so crappy about being over weigh and I ate healthy and exercised a little, but not much because it would make me feel even worse. And the only thing he said to me was “it would be great if you lost the weight. But I really don’t care, just stop complaining about it, if you’re not happy with it do something about it. Otherwise don’t say anything, because when you say you are fat it makes me think that too.” so I did do something, and I found out it was my health, and not my motivation. If she is sick, there is no way you are going to get her out to ride a bike and have fun. For me, because my body was not absorbing vitamins, working out would deplete them even more causing even more serious health issues.

Do you really want her passing out and rushing her to the hospital because she is pushing herself too much for you. if your answer is yes, then you have a more searious issue to look at. like the fact that she would push herself like that for you would make you feel like you have control over her self-esteem, that she needs to look great for you even if it puts her in the ground. some people need to have someone obsess over how their partner feels about them. I have seen woman starve themselves for abusive men. and when you are sick, it only makes you sicker, but that doesn't matter because your not happy anyway. I can see it making you feel really good about yourself that she HAS to look good for you, that she goes out of her way, becasue she is obsessed with you and what you think. this is what you sound like you are saying, or you might get another, better looking trophy woman. becasue woman are for what? looking at right? making you feel good and the fact that she isn't obsessed with her weight seems to make you angry. that is what it sounds like. if the love went both way, you would go out of your way to make her feel beautiful and love her, and she would go out of her way to love you, she don't need to make you feel beautiful, you already do. but what do you thinks she needs to do to show she loves you? what do you need to do to show you love her? because what you are doing is not working.

wanting her to look great for you seem kind of controlling to me.

My husband’s BMI is 12 points lower than mine. count the difference between you 2, i bet its not that big. I want to lose weight for ME, and yes I would like to know I am more attractive to him, but when he looks at me, I can tell he doesn’t look at my fat, or how attractive I am, he looks at me, he thinks I’m cute, and hot. He doesn’t like that I am chubby but he doesn’t care. he has made that clear to me. because now we know it really is a medical issue, and he knows that I want to work on it, weather it shows or not, its about how I see myself. and I know he isn't staying with me because I look good, but because I look good to him, I don't look great, and he is still with me. because I looke great to him. if I could lose the weight now, what a happy gift that could be, I can give it to him for loving me FOR ME and not because I feel I need to be that way for him. I actually want to now. All woman get fat, we are ment to, Because biologically we are meant to have children. When we don’t have children, we still gain the weight weather we do or don’t. some woman keep themselves extremely healthy for years and years and manage to fight the fact that our bodies slow down faster them mens. we compare ourselves to moviestars all the time. But all woman have these hormones. And all woman will one day get a belly. most actors have alot of money to fix that. Maybe because you are so young, and you see beautiful young girls around you, you are not ready to accept that. maybe you feel like you are losing out. and if she never does lose weight you will be to old to get that cute, young, skinny girl. And that is understandable, you are young, you should expeareince what you want. But you will have to one day accept that even you new skinny girlfriend will get a belly or may get fat. Or you will never be happily married.
Hi, I have been reading all these posts from the beginning and cannot believe some of the responses.
I do think the original poster does love his girlfriend. I do believe his girlfriend has issues that she needs to deal with.
I think that people who tell people who need to lose weight "how to do it, by eating healthy, exercising, etc".....all need to realize, that just because people are overweight does not mean they live in a vaccuum. You'd have to be in an abyss to not know "how" to lose weight these is not the "weight" that is difficult to lose, it is the issues that caused it in the first place.
I am not overweight, but have been there....have had a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy, without any complications, despite the idea here that god forbid anyone who is more than a few pounds overweight should ever attempt to have a child because of course there will be problems.
But in saying this, would just like to offer another perspective, because there are alot of things about people other than weight, than can be compared here.

People talk about "attraction"....what if a woman has breast cancer...and has a mastectomy? Some women have such a difficult time with this, they they dont feel attractive anymore. God bless them, they are, but they dont feel it. And it can be a really hard struggle for them. People here will probably say that a woman who is overweight is "different". Maybe, maybe not, but the end result is the same, she feels unattractive.

What happens if the guy all of a sudden has issues in the "bedroom"? If it continues, does a woman start to doubt their relationship, and think of the "future"???

What if someone gets addicted to alcohol or drugs? If we dont know that it will be "temporary" - do we start wondering if we should leave them?

I think I made my point....but I'm just trying to say....when we tell someone we love them, and we commit to them.....they may change in any number of ways, weight is one but by no means the only way someone can change.
I think that people who love each other need to work together to support each other, whatever the struggle is....and to do their best to do so without hurting each other.

None of us will look the same 20, 30 years from now...that we do today....and maybe none of us will "act" the same. But you either love someone, or you dont. And when you do, you accept them, and you both learn to deal with what changes come to you.

Orion.....I believe you love your girlfriend, and I believe there is nothing wrong with "talking" to her. But you should consider, that you already know "she" has a problem with her weight. And obviously you do as well. If it's not a problem you can handle, you need to tell her that. It will hurt her, but a lifetime of being "not thin enough" or "not attractive enough"...and "making you feel horrible" no picnic either. Be honest with her.....and with yourself. If you love her and want to always be with her, you will be prepared that she will deal with this always. And if you cant handle that, you just need to tell her.

I will only say that if I was that girl right now, and I read these posts, from my boyfriend, and some of the posters here.....if I had self esteem issues.....some of these posts would make me withdraw even more...and would make me feel worthless.

Just my thoughts....good luck to you.
Wow that last post was really good. ^_^[QUOTE]The thing is this guy should be commended here for being totally honest! should he just tell her he still finds her attractive, just because thats whats she wants to hear, just to keep her happy etc? No, cause that's a lie, I would hate it if someone just said nice things to me, just to keep me happy and in denial, cuase thats just plain right dishonest in my opinion.[/QUOTE]I agree ^_^ since I am too am over weight to the point it affects my health, I would NOT want my husband to just lie to me and say “your beautiful and nothing is wrong” because if he loved me, he would care about my health. but I feel he handled it better, and I only share my experience so that others can hear, you can hadle it good, or handle it bad to the point that it is damaging this girls self worth, which will then only cause her to sink deeper. Which I think its better to get out, then do that.
My husband also understands that I have gained weight over the years. But he doesn’t take it personally, its not his falt my genetics are different from his. and he would love for me to be slimmer and more attractive. (who wouldn’t, I would too) But he doens’t mention it to me again and again... But he still understands that its my life and only I can deal with it, he is glad that I am doing things about it, and not just sitting there complaining. but trust me, its in my head everyday. If someone (family or husband) were to keep “mentioning” to me, what I already knew, I would withdraw from them. Feeling like they are trying to change me, not letting me change myself. But he still finds me attractive, he is not repulsed to look at my body, and he has never indicated in anyway that he is less attracted to me because of my body. So he supports me to lose the weight, but he doesn’t emotionally hurt me by saying he is less and less attracted to me. Which sounds like “I’m falling out of love” it would damage our relationship, the way I look at him, and even damage my progress. When I’m doing so good as it is. But that’s just me, each person is different. Maybe some people need that. But all the fat people I know had family members damage their self-worth because of they bring up their weight all the time. I figure if you can’t deal with it, then get out of it, if you can handle it, then there is always room for improvement. and I have only seen them get worse not better. I have a friend who has a daughter who is more overweight then me, and she is only 16, and her mother is always calling her fat, and taking her out to exercise, and only feeds her healthy food. But over the years she has only gotten bigger.
[QUOTE]Orion.....I believe you love your girlfriend, and I believe there is nothing wrong with "talking" to her. But you should consider, that you already know "she" has a problem with her weight. And obviously you do as well. If it's not a problem you can handle, you need to tell her that. It will hurt her, but a lifetime of being "not thin enough" or "not attractive enough"...and "making you feel horrible" no picnic either. Be honest with her.....and with yourself. If you love her and want to always be with her, you will be prepared that she will deal with this always. And if you cant handle that, you just need to tell her.[/QUOTE]
I think this is sooooooo true, and can’t say it any way better, I feel lucky that even though my husband is way way thinner then me, and it bugs me, I couldn’t handle a lifetime of being “not thin enough” or “not attractive enough” I couldn’t handle being in that and I would have to break it off weather I was married or not. The best relationships are based on honesty and trust.
[QUOTE]I can imagine losing weight is difficult but it is not like she is fighting a herion or meth addiction. It is a difficult task but millions of people over come this issue of losing weight.[/QUOTE]Yes, and no.. I did Meth, and crack, when I was younger, that was very addictive, but I just quit cold turkey, it was easy and hard and for years I missed it, but I never went back to it. then I quit smokeing, and that was harder then drugs… but I can’t quit eating, if I could cold turkey, and starve myself, then I would have no problem, but my weight issue has been the hardest to deal with, if it doesn’t involve starving myself. I know you have never been obese so you don’t really know how hard it is to lose weight healthy, then once you do starve yourself, you just gain back twice as much, it’s a horrible cycle. You said millions of people over come it. Do you actually know someone who went from obese to slim, and didn’t get worse but actually over came it? If you do I think they would be a great back up support for the both of you. I personally never met someone obese that lost a lot of weight, and did it healthy. Well no, I know one person, and she did it with drugs and partying, not the best way to fight the problem, but that only lasted a few years and now she is back to the way she was which is HUGE 250 pounds or more. But it doesn’t come in the way between her and her husband.. and damn he is good looking, if I could show links in this site I would show you them. So the fact that this is a real issue for you, maybe others who posted her are right, maybe you are just not compatible together.

What it comes down to is do you really love her? Are you willing to stay with her even if she can’t beat it. If not, then waiting 6 months is going to be long and painful for you. You said “I am always going to feel very hopeless and frustrated.” So you already know this. I wish you luck during your 6 months of attempting to better her, for you.

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