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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=emma j;3116500]I totally agree with all of this. Why should a guy have to do all the chasing. Girls like to put in some effort to. I'm get well bored if i was just waiting for the guy to do all the work. As i said just think how many possible relationships never formed because a girl didn't chase either and it was interupted as not being interested..[/QUOTE]

As far as I can see, no one has said that the guy should do ALL the chasing. Of course if a man shows interest and the woman never reciprocates, the man would and should give up. One more time....it's not about who's doing the chasing, it's not about playing games, it's not about cat and mouse or playing hard to get, it's about GETTING THE HINT.
Innocence, I don't think it's a good idea to approach dating with a fear of being rejected. If you really like him, and IF he texts back and gives you a time (let him get back to you, don't ask him again), go out and have fun and enjoy having a drink with a cute, nice guy, and then turn around and have a great time at your sister's graduation. But don't turn down what could be a fun night out because you're scared it won't lead to more. maybe it will, maybe it won't but the fun is in the journey, the fun HAS to be in the journey, because the destination isn't guaranteed.

At this point it's so hard to say whether he's really interested or not. He could truly be really interested but just busy on Sunday, or he could be only mildly interested, thinking "well, what the heck, maybe I can get a few months of good, free sex out of this deal." It's hard to say right now. But as the saying goes, love like you're not afraid to be alone. If he's not interested, what skin will it be off your nose, really? If you want to see him, and he says yeah let's go out on Friday, then just have yourself a fun time, but not too fun!!! No sex until you're sure it's something real. ;)
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3116847]....it's not about who's doing the chasing, it's not about playing games, it's not about cat and mouse or playing hard to get, it's about GETTING THE HINT.[/QUOTE]

I throughly agree on the point of women needing to know when it's time to be GETTING THE HINT - lol! (and fair play to you Innocence, you seem to have done that without degrading yourself; it's more than can be said for some women)

It's quite staggering how some women just refuse to get the hint, as rejection is not something they want to accept. I let myself down in my teens as a result of that type of thinking, that absolute fear of rejection; thankfully I've long outgrown that now. (Oh the joys of womanhood!;) )

In his past my bf had a one night stand and he told me about what went on as a result of it. I found it to be a real insight into the workings of the male mind when it comes to desirability and attraction:

He met this girl in Dublin (where we live) She was from the north of the country and was here on a weekend break. They met in a pub the evening before she was due to go home and spent the night together. They had sex and all of that and she told him that she was single. The following morning she asked for his number and he gave it to her as he felt, he told me, that "It seemed like the polite thing to do"!!! She then, unprompted, gave him hers.

So anyway, a couple of days went by and she called. Another couple of days went by and she called again. She asked him did he want to come up to visit her and he made a load of flimsy excuses as to why that coming weekend didnt suit. He never proffered any suggestion about coming up the following weekend, or any other time. Nevertheless, some days later, she called a third time with a record of the train departure times from Dublin!

He told me that each time she called he found it more and more uncomfortable. He had gone from not especially wanting to hear from her to absolutely dreading hearing from her, and she had created that situation with her own attitudes and actions. I asked him what was wrong from the get-go that he wouldnt entertain the possibility of seeing her again (and this is the hillarious part Larrylou'smom!) he said that he "just wasnt all that into her"!!! but that the way she had called and called further cemented in his mind what he was already feeling. Eventually she stopped calling, after she'd humiliated herself a few more times. This is a classic case of a woman who just refused to GET THE HINT!

As far as I am concerned she made her first mistake by asking for his number. If a man is willing to sleep with a woman and dosent ask for her number he's not interested in talking to her again; simple as that. I'd never put myself in a positon where I had to wonder if a man was or wasnt receptive to taking my calls. It'd just be too humiliating to me. I think that girl could have rectified the damage though by waiting for him to call, and even if he hadnt, at least she wouldnt have found the experience so humiliating. I think with every call she made, she was less likely to get a return call, and when she called with the train times that really was all he needed to run a mile in the other direction; she just hammered the final nail into the coffin there!

But where this situation interests me in so far as what it says about desirability and attraction; there is a magnetic pull/push effect between men and women. I dont believe my bf had as little interest in that woman as he maintains he did. I'm sure he believes he didnt, after all her incessant calling turned him off so much, but I know him and I know if he had zero interest in her he wouldnt have slept with her in the first place. I believe she could have taken the minimal amount of interest he had in her and fostered it and made it grow, and I believe she could have done that by specifically NOT calling. I know the way his head works; he'd have likely become curious, wondered why she wasnt calling, had she not enjoyed the night? etc etc.

He's a very attractive man and is used to being hit on. He'd have begun to wonder why this woman was behaving differently and considered that maybe she was busy being inundated with male attention in her home town, thus inceasing her desirability and allure. I'm pretty sure, eventually, he'd have likely called; even if just for curiosities sake, and she could have taken it from there. My point is, I'm pretty sure she could have increased her chances of arousing his interest significantly, but her fear of rejection was too strong for her to ignore. Had a woman in that situation played her cards right she would have been in with a good chance of scooping my man - just as well for me that she hadnt got a clue!:D
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3125067] Your heart naturally goes out to him because he's the man you love, but as a more impartial third party, and as a woman, my heart does go out a bit to that girl, who I don't even know, but assume that she probably thought she had found a connection with a cute guy who was probably sweet and attentive to her all night, and she believed in the power of positive thinking and thought she could win the day by being proactive and taking the initiative, and probably spent some time crying over the call that never came. [/QUOTE]

Well, as a woman, I can put myself in her shoes too Larrylou'smom, having had similar feelings of rejection in my earlier years, and I actually do feel a sense of empathy for her, and would for any woman in that situation. As far as one night stands go though, I think we women are in different territory there and that we need to recognise that there are a different set of expectations contained within a situation like that. Unfortunately, in the type of world we now live in, there is no point expecting anything from a stranger, and I'm sorry, but a stranger having placed his penis in a woman’s vagina does not make him any less a stranger. That is a harsh and brutal reality that, as a female, I've had to face up to myself. It's been more than ten years since I've had a one night stand, for several reasons, but that would certainly number highly among them.

I think, as women, we need to face that fact that as noble as it is for a man to be honest, and as much right as we have to expect that from them, the reality is that a large proportion of them would prefer to be dishonest given the choice between that and having to squirm with discomfort. If we don’t recognise that then we are only fooling ourselves.

Also, I reckon there is such a thing as taking the power of positive thinking to extremes! I think if a woman initiates the phone number exchange, calls not one or twice but many times, (including a call to relate the train departure times after a man has already clearly vocally displayed disinterest in taking the train to see her at all!) then she is actually [I]vastly minimising[/I] the likelihood of his [I]wanting[/I] to call.

I think, as you said yourself, that there comes a point when a woman needs to "get the hint", and I'm sure that for myself, at the very [I]latest[/I], I'd have taken the hint at the point where he expressed his disinterest on travelling to see me; especially since travelling across this country is nothing like the experience of travelling across America or Australia; this is, on a global scale, a very tiny country, and he could have made that train journey in under two hours.

As for her probably being upset over his never having called; I wouldn’t like to think of any woman crying over his attitude to be honest, because he's not by nature a bad or cold or disrespectful man when it comes to women, and I really wouldn’t like any woman to think so. He is actually usually highly respectful of women, and that is one of the things I love about him; his only crime towards her was in not mustering up the balls to tell her he wasn’t interested, nor in the position to, commence a relationship, and to be honest, I truly do think in the circumstances that is something she should have been quickly able to figure out for herself.

Now I know I'm banging on and on and you're probably wondering why, so here's why; both this woman and her situation have a particular place in my mind, because she was one of the three women he cheated on me with during the first few months of our relationship, so maybe you'll think I am being judgemental of her actions on that basis, but I honestly believe I am not. As far as I know she knew nothing of me, so as far as I'm concerned (hurt though I still am at the memory of it) she isn’t deserving of any blame.

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3125067] ..I think it is true that most men do need a chance to miss you, to think about you, to wonder what you're up to, and he can't to that if you're up in his face all the time. [/QUOTE]

I couldn’t agree with this more; nor could I have put it better myself!

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3125067]It's sad that there are lots of really good guys hoping for a woman to show him a little sign, give him an in or something, waiting for her to make the first move, and stories like Innocence's is why women really can't. We just never know when making the first move, or the first two or three moves, will pay off, or end up making us "the dumb girl who doesn't get it." [/QUOTE]

Yes, that is a pity; if men only knew the BS they bring upon their own kind! lol I've no way of even imagining what was going through the mind of the man Innocent was dealing with. It just seems to alien to me, that a person could blow hot and cold like that. I think we women may be much more in tune with our own feelings; by that I mean that maybe we are sure that the first feeling is the genuine one and is not so subject to change. What's with someone who is all over you and then seemingly couldn’t care less? Who's to say? Maybe he's doing the age old 'playing hard to get' game? :rolleyes: If that's what he's up to, he seems very damn good at it.

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3125067]A friend of mine set me up with a guy back on superbowl Sunday, well it really wasn't a set up per se, we were both invited to her SB party, with the understanding that she was introducing us for the purpose of seeing of there was an attraction and if we'd be interested in dating. At first sight, he really wasn't my type at all, but I would have been glad to get to know him better, but he never called her to tell her he was interested at all, until 6 months later. He said he doesn't like to call girls because he's so afraid they'll say no. But she gave him my number, and that was about a month ago and he still hasn't called. If he called now, no matter how bad he may want to date me, or how into me he may be, I'd turn him down flat because the bottom line is he just isn't emotionally available enough to me. A man worth dating would have gotten my number from our mutual friend and he would have called me the day after the SB party. [/QUOTE]

SIX MONTHS LATER???:dizzy: What's he - some sort of loon??!! Fair play to you hon; you were right to forget about that one!;)
Yes, I do agree with what you say about one night stands. It is foolish to expect anything to come of it, even if there are urban myths about one actually leading to true love. That's why I don't recommend them and would never in a million years have one.

Yes, this poor girl was a tad thick headed and just didn't get it, it's just always a shame when that happens. I suppose with my ex I was thick-headed, but in all fairness, it's kind of hard to keep your head on straight when it's the first love of your life, the first man you ever kissed, was naked with, etc. and you love him to pieces, like Juliet loved Romeo, and one minute he's telling you how much he loves you, then he's not sure, then of course he loves you so glad he found you, he's honored that you're his girlfriend and he's a better man for having been with you, then he's just not feeling we're compatible enough, then he doesn't know what he was thinking leaving you, then he's dumping you again....sheeshhh. I was the dumb girl who didn't get it, and I just kind of stick of for those girls because 10 years later I still hurt over it like you wouldn't believe. I've had some pretty bad things happen to me in my life, but I dealt with all of it in a way I never was able to deal with and get over being the dumb girl who didn't get it. Even just talking about it now, 10 years later, still stabs me in the heart so bad I'm trying not to cry. I'm sure his wife would say I'm crazy because he's the greatest guy in the world who would never hurt anyone, but I certainly beg to differ. That's not a comment on your situation with your guy, I think these are two totally different situations, I'm just saying why I do tend to be a bit hard on men and stick up for the sisters more.

And yes, 6 months, a bit ridiculous, eh? I mean, c'mon. There's shy, and then there's disturbed. I just haven't got the time to heal someone into being in a relationship with me.





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