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This is about my girlfriend of about 4 months now.

We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences. I havent really had a "serious" relationship, mostly casual, or just a hookup-like relationship, and a few times i was even used and such. So my inexperience really makes it difficult sometimes knowing how to act since i was never involved in a serious relationship, but plenty of casual ones.

She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her. Her good side is just amazing, we always have a blast even if we're doing nothing, she is tolerant with the things i like, i am tolerant with the things she likes, she has my sense of humor, i feel extremely comfortable around her, her family loves me, my family loves her, and often times we just have such a great time that from 9am to about 11pm seems like it just flew by. Another great thing, i know she actually loves me, and i know, i am using that dreaded L word. I am poor, a college student, so i barely get any money, and when i work its just the money i need (food, gas, etc). She is not materialistic at all, which is great honestly, if i dont buy her things, she doesnt get mad, and doesnt even bring it up. Which is really rare among young girls these days.

On the other hand, she has some insecurity issues which drive me up a wall. She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous. I am from another culture (born in Poland), and i believe that my blood comes before anyone else, so i want to see them often. Sometimes i may make a joke (sometimes inappropriate , i admit, but often times its a harmless joke) and she will think about the dumb things that i have done in the past. I have fixed all of these dumb things i used to do, as i said, im only experienced with casual relationships. She will just sit and think about the dumb things, and it will all bottle up inside of her, and end up in a huge argument. We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it.

She broke up with me once, and ended up begging for me back. I broke up with her once, i asked for her back and she said yes. Then she broke up with me 3 other times and then begged me to come back about 30 minutes later, if that. Which shows she has an anger problem. This anger problem is what also annoys me, she will just randomly go insane when she thinks about the past, start accusing me of things, calling me out in things, trying to insult me, and all of this. She also has this thing where if she is mad, she has to talk it out RIGHT then, for me, i think both people need cooldown time before things are talked out.

One other thing that bothers me like crazy, which i dont hold against her, but it still kills me. Currently, she has a lifestyle similar to mine, just laid back, friends, family, rare drinking. In the past, she used to be the kind of person who i cannot stand. Out partying all the time, drinking a ton, smoking marijuana, and of course way too much sex. She was raped twice, once by someone she knew, another time by a stranger. I asked her how many guys she has been with, first answer was "7 or 8", she didnt know, then the second answer was "7 or 8, but not counting the two unwilling ones", and then the final answer was "Maybe one or two more than the number i told you before". I cant hold that against her now, she is someone different now, but i never bring it up to her. Thats just disgusting. There are times when i refuse to get intimate with her when that is running through my mind, i have to wait until that escapes my mind.

So i am not really sure. She is great, and i know she loves me. But she has horrible anger problems, jumps to conclusions way too fast, and thinks way too deeply. But then again, we have such an amazing time its not even funny. If it werent for the anger issue, i would say she is the perfect one for me. Even her parents tell me how happy they are that i am hers, and how they really hope we stay together for a long time, and they are willing to come in and help heal our relationship if we want in some way.

What do i do?
Yeah i wish we could do counseling, but thats virtually out of the question. My school does not offer it, her school does not offer it. I am too poor, my job barely covers my basic needs as a college student, she doesnt have much either. My parents cannot pay for it, we are tight with money because my dad needs a pretty big surgery soon, her family cannot afford it. Its just not possible, i would have done this by now if i could.

I tried to talk to her on the phone this morning, that i have been acting all weird the past two days because i dont want to mess things up anymore. She said she would rather have me act like myself, and i told her im always screwing things up, and it results in an argument. Of course, she pinned it on me, saying its not her fault she gets upset.

Yeah, i admit, i have done [U][B]really[/B][/U] stupid things in the past with our relationship. I fixed those. We got together under bad circumstances so we had to keep our relationship a secret, she wanted me to change that, i did. Now just the tiniest things are blown way out of proportion. I mean yeah they arent the good thing to do in the first place, but the tiniest thing i do wrong ends up in an argument. But she messes up alot too, and i just simply tell her that i didnt like what she did and i would like her to not do it anymore. Everything she goes wrong, there is no argument, i tell her i dont like it, she understands, its over. When i do something wrong, she blames everything on me, calls me names, and i defend myself by justifying what i did or trying to come up with reasoning, and it turns into an argument.

I will try to talk to her again today, in person.
Oh i do consider her family, its just a little bit of a different scenario. I lost a fair bit of friends over her, so now the only people i really have is my mom, my dad, two friends i never see, and her. I still live with my parents, and im Polish, so i have strong family values too, my family is always there for me, and always has been.

I live with my parents, but the thing is, i never see them. This is how my usual day goes. Wake up early, my parents are gone at work already, i get ready, go see her from about 10:00am to maybe 11:00pm, nonstop. Then by the time i get home or she has left, my parents are asleep and i barely got to talk to them that day. Dont get me wrong, i love to see her, its just that my parents are the two only true people that i have, i lost everybody else, and i dont really get to see them anymore either. Its just that i still live with my parents, the two people that come first in my life, and i honestly get a chance to [B]really[/B] see them or spend time with them once every one or two weeks. And we live in the same house, go figure.

Another thing i just hate is how horribly unfair our relationship is. Two days ago we were at the mall, and there was a large woman with a big tattoo on her back, and i just said "Tattoos on backs is so nasty", and my girlfriend freaked out. Started yelling at me, saying how shes not good looking enough for me, how im always looking at other girls, how she regrets taking me out anywhere, how she cant trust me, how im cheating on her. Then yesterday, we were watching the movie "The Guardian", and theres a scene where a big muscle guy takes off his shirt to change or something, and she says "See i dont even like that". I kept quiet until the end of the movie, but seriously, there is no difference between what she said and between what i said. I didnt make it into such a huge crime. I brought it up later and said how unfair it is that i can make the same mistake as her, and i am just upset for 5 minutes or less, and then its forgotten. Whereas if i make the same mistake, its going to be a crime for the rest of our relationship. She tried to justify it in so many ways, when it comes down to it, its the same exact thing. She said "Well why dont you act like me and start freaking out?", and i just told her that im not that low. Seriously, thats so horribly unfair. Thats just the most recent example, but if i do something wrong, its like the worst thing ever, she does the same thing wrong, i spend like 5 minutes upset and its gone.





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