It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

This is about my girlfriend of about 4 months now.

We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences. I havent really had a "serious" relationship, mostly casual, or just a hookup-like relationship, and a few times i was even used and such. So my inexperience really makes it difficult sometimes knowing how to act since i was never involved in a serious relationship, but plenty of casual ones.

She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her. Her good side is just amazing, we always have a blast even if we're doing nothing, she is tolerant with the things i like, i am tolerant with the things she likes, she has my sense of humor, i feel extremely comfortable around her, her family loves me, my family loves her, and often times we just have such a great time that from 9am to about 11pm seems like it just flew by. Another great thing, i know she actually loves me, and i know, i am using that dreaded L word. I am poor, a college student, so i barely get any money, and when i work its just the money i need (food, gas, etc). She is not materialistic at all, which is great honestly, if i dont buy her things, she doesnt get mad, and doesnt even bring it up. Which is really rare among young girls these days.

On the other hand, she has some insecurity issues which drive me up a wall. She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous. I am from another culture (born in Poland), and i believe that my blood comes before anyone else, so i want to see them often. Sometimes i may make a joke (sometimes inappropriate , i admit, but often times its a harmless joke) and she will think about the dumb things that i have done in the past. I have fixed all of these dumb things i used to do, as i said, im only experienced with casual relationships. She will just sit and think about the dumb things, and it will all bottle up inside of her, and end up in a huge argument. We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it.

She broke up with me once, and ended up begging for me back. I broke up with her once, i asked for her back and she said yes. Then she broke up with me 3 other times and then begged me to come back about 30 minutes later, if that. Which shows she has an anger problem. This anger problem is what also annoys me, she will just randomly go insane when she thinks about the past, start accusing me of things, calling me out in things, trying to insult me, and all of this. She also has this thing where if she is mad, she has to talk it out RIGHT then, for me, i think both people need cooldown time before things are talked out.

One other thing that bothers me like crazy, which i dont hold against her, but it still kills me. Currently, she has a lifestyle similar to mine, just laid back, friends, family, rare drinking. In the past, she used to be the kind of person who i cannot stand. Out partying all the time, drinking a ton, smoking marijuana, and of course way too much sex. She was raped twice, once by someone she knew, another time by a stranger. I asked her how many guys she has been with, first answer was "7 or 8", she didnt know, then the second answer was "7 or 8, but not counting the two unwilling ones", and then the final answer was "Maybe one or two more than the number i told you before". I cant hold that against her now, she is someone different now, but i never bring it up to her. Thats just disgusting. There are times when i refuse to get intimate with her when that is running through my mind, i have to wait until that escapes my mind.

So i am not really sure. She is great, and i know she loves me. But she has horrible anger problems, jumps to conclusions way too fast, and thinks way too deeply. But then again, we have such an amazing time its not even funny. If it werent for the anger issue, i would say she is the perfect one for me. Even her parents tell me how happy they are that i am hers, and how they really hope we stay together for a long time, and they are willing to come in and help heal our relationship if we want in some way.

What do i do?
But the thing is that i cannot talk to her about things. Me and her have two different methods of dealing with problems, we have done her method every single time, my method one time. My method is when a problem comes up, we both just get time to set our heads straight, and then later talk it out. Her method is right when a problem comes up, we both have to talk it out right then and there. Her way always ends up in an argument because if we talk it out right away, she has all of those unnecessary emotions flowing into our conversation, emotions like anger for example, and this usually makes her start saying mean things. I just defend myself, i never say mean things back, ever, and in the end it just turns into an argument.

I tried on so many occasions talking to her calmly. I start off by taking blame for a fair bit of things, which the majority of the time, it is. But then i mention that she is doing something the slightest bit wrong, and she gets mad at me, and starts blaming me for it. She just gets horribly defensive and refuses to take any blame, i have tried a few times to talk this out, and this is how it turns out every time. I actually tried to talk it out yesterday morning, and she justifies the messed up things that she does by saying i do things to make her do it. Example: i say "When you did this the other day, it really hurt me", she says "Well the only reason i did it is because you do this". She doesnt talk things out, she just needs to pin everything on me.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3116034]The more you say about her the more I realize that you two aren't having communications issues, you are just not compatible.

You have been with her for only [I]4 months[/I]! Here are some things that stick out to me that you have said about her in this thread:

~"We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences."
~"She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her."
~"She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous."
~"We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it."

Forgive me for asking, but where are the good times? She's starting to come off as a controlling spoiled child. If you spend time with your family she accuses you of cheating? You have lost friends over her (no doubt because she was insecure about you spending time with them). You can't even make a comment about tattoos without being accused of something. She sounds very insecure and childish.

The thing is you have not been together long. You have pretty much made your entire life revolve around her in a very short time. You are no longer you, you are what she wants you to be. You said numerous times about how you "changed" things to make her happy. You shouldn't have to change yourself to please anyone. This should be a happy part of your relationship and you are fighting 90% of the time. How is this even worth it anymore?

I'll give you some advice you probably don't want to hear. Forget about trying to figure out how to talk to her. It won't matter what you say, she will only hear what she wants to hear. She is not the right girl for you. End it before you invest any more time into her. Reconnect with some of your old friends and find yourself again without constantly feeling like you are walking on eggshells. She needs a guy who devotes every second to her and her needs. You will never be able to please her.[/QUOTE]

The good times are great, and they usually happen throughout the day. I mean the time flies by, until she finds something i did wrong and then it explodes, then it goes away. Used to be day in and day out that we would have fun, time would fly by together.

I lost friends over another reason though, not because of her. It was my fault. I dont want to get into it, but thats a whole different story that was my fault.

And i dont change those kinds of things. I changed the things that are expected in a relationship, for example just not talking about other girls, i knew you werent supposed to do that, but i never actually put it into play, so i learned not to do that anymore. Its not like she changed things that are about me, for example my hobbies, my personality, any of that.

I just dont want to end it for a few reasons. The good times we have, are amazing. If i do leave her, i dont have anything to do with myself, just class, the day or two a week of work, and nothing. I lost all my friends, my parents are always at work. I would be left alone, she is actually going out of town for 2 days tomorrow, and i know those two days im going to be sitting around at my house all day long. And that, and im not the most desirable guy, i know if i leave this relationship, its at least another year of being single, if not way more. So i want to work things out, she wants to work things out too. But i want to get her to realize how shes acting, and there is not any way that i can do this.
Yeah, like i said she did go away for that one day. The plan was to both have our own individual days, and well, we did, but we spent the entire day texting each other. When i picked her up, she was so excited. I can tell she loves me, she knows i love her. We also promised "to do whatever it takes to try to avoid arguments", and we both agreed, its not going to be bulletproof, im sure we'll still have them, but hopefully they'll reduce. The past 3 days we havent had one, although one of those days we didnt actually see each other, but then again often times we do get into arguments while we arent around each other. Often times shes talking about spending the rest of her life with me, and she sounds extremely serious about it.

I guess we just argued so much when i made this topic, neither of us were doing the right thing to avoid them. The day we spent apart was great, showed us how much we really miss each other, just from one day of not seeing each other. Hopefully it will work for a good while now, seems really steady honestly, we have plans throughout the week and such.

I am still bothered by the things i know about her past, but when i have good things to think about instead of the bad things, they arent as bad. Nothing changed about this part, it still makes me mad sometimes, still gets me literally sick to my stomach, but if our relationship is good and i have good thoughts in my head, those bad thoughts still come up, pretty frequently, but they're dismissed pretty fast.

And she put this under the "who i'd like to meet" section of a website. Its about me. Its been up for maybe 2 weeks now, she put it up around the highest point of our arguments.

[I]"I've already met him. His name is ----- --------. He is the greatest boyfriend anyone could ask for, yeah we fight and don't always get along but either way at the end of each and everyday I still love him. He is the one guy that will still give me a rush when I kiss him everytime, no matter how many times I've kissed him, I never get tired of it. We have so much fun together just making fart and poop jokes, playing video games, eating, swimming, going to the beach, showering, or just whatever it is we may do together. He is the sweetest guy I know. We have been through a lot together and I believe, as corny as it may sound, that we are truly meant to be together. I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my day then just see him, no matter what we're doing. If I don't see him everyday then my day isn't complete. Whenever I'm not with him I'm constantly texting him and calling him, even when I'm at parties, I spend my time playing with markers and making him a drunkin third grade drawing. I love getting his notes, and lists. I have a little binder with them all in it. I know that a lot of people, well majority of the people, don't really like the fact that ----- and I have gotten together, but I honestly don't care. I love him and he makes me happy. I hated how we had to hide our relationship at first, but I understood why we did. He felt guilty, plus, we knew people would eventually find out. Morgan was the first to know and then my family got wind of it and then Chelsea. Pretty soon everyone knew. Rumors started about me and ----- back in Febuary and they weren't true then, and I honestly never thought they would be, but by the time the second burts of rumors started up in March, they came true, I'm so happy that they did. I'm sorry if we have hurt anyone, but we just both want to be happy, and we are, we can be ourselves around each other. I love getting his good morning texts and sending them to him, I wake up early just to do so sometimes. I watch Maury with him, and he watches The Tyra show with me. We can usually find a compromise with most things. When I go through my phone it's all pictures and videos of him. I love it. I love being able to just look at my phone and see his face. It makes me smile no matter what. Now, to end this long rambling I will address ----- real quick: Baby, I love you, so much. You mean everything to me and I never want to hurt you. I hope that we always are together. I love you so much. Since my freaking cell phone is off I'm supposed to call you at 9:00, and since it's only 8:15 so I'll shower and eat, and then I get to call you! I hope you'll be awake! I love you baby, I really do."[/I]

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:56 AM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!