It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


This is about my girlfriend of about 4 months now.

We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences. I havent really had a "serious" relationship, mostly casual, or just a hookup-like relationship, and a few times i was even used and such. So my inexperience really makes it difficult sometimes knowing how to act since i was never involved in a serious relationship, but plenty of casual ones.

She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her. Her good side is just amazing, we always have a blast even if we're doing nothing, she is tolerant with the things i like, i am tolerant with the things she likes, she has my sense of humor, i feel extremely comfortable around her, her family loves me, my family loves her, and often times we just have such a great time that from 9am to about 11pm seems like it just flew by. Another great thing, i know she actually loves me, and i know, i am using that dreaded L word. I am poor, a college student, so i barely get any money, and when i work its just the money i need (food, gas, etc). She is not materialistic at all, which is great honestly, if i dont buy her things, she doesnt get mad, and doesnt even bring it up. Which is really rare among young girls these days.

On the other hand, she has some insecurity issues which drive me up a wall. She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous. I am from another culture (born in Poland), and i believe that my blood comes before anyone else, so i want to see them often. Sometimes i may make a joke (sometimes inappropriate , i admit, but often times its a harmless joke) and she will think about the dumb things that i have done in the past. I have fixed all of these dumb things i used to do, as i said, im only experienced with casual relationships. She will just sit and think about the dumb things, and it will all bottle up inside of her, and end up in a huge argument. We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it.

She broke up with me once, and ended up begging for me back. I broke up with her once, i asked for her back and she said yes. Then she broke up with me 3 other times and then begged me to come back about 30 minutes later, if that. Which shows she has an anger problem. This anger problem is what also annoys me, she will just randomly go insane when she thinks about the past, start accusing me of things, calling me out in things, trying to insult me, and all of this. She also has this thing where if she is mad, she has to talk it out RIGHT then, for me, i think both people need cooldown time before things are talked out.

One other thing that bothers me like crazy, which i dont hold against her, but it still kills me. Currently, she has a lifestyle similar to mine, just laid back, friends, family, rare drinking. In the past, she used to be the kind of person who i cannot stand. Out partying all the time, drinking a ton, smoking marijuana, and of course way too much sex. She was raped twice, once by someone she knew, another time by a stranger. I asked her how many guys she has been with, first answer was "7 or 8", she didnt know, then the second answer was "7 or 8, but not counting the two unwilling ones", and then the final answer was "Maybe one or two more than the number i told you before". I cant hold that against her now, she is someone different now, but i never bring it up to her. Thats just disgusting. There are times when i refuse to get intimate with her when that is running through my mind, i have to wait until that escapes my mind.

So i am not really sure. She is great, and i know she loves me. But she has horrible anger problems, jumps to conclusions way too fast, and thinks way too deeply. But then again, we have such an amazing time its not even funny. If it werent for the anger issue, i would say she is the perfect one for me. Even her parents tell me how happy they are that i am hers, and how they really hope we stay together for a long time, and they are willing to come in and help heal our relationship if we want in some way.

What do i do?
[QUOTE=Lazer 77;3111947]One other thing that bothers me like crazy, which i dont hold against her, but it still kills me. Currently, she has a lifestyle similar to mine, just laid back, friends, family, rare drinking. In the past, she used to be the kind of person who i cannot stand. Out partying all the time, drinking a ton, smoking marijuana, and of course way too much sex. She was raped twice, once by someone she knew, another time by a stranger. I asked her how many guys she has been with, first answer was "7 or 8", she didnt know, then the second answer was "7 or 8, but not counting the two unwilling ones", and then the final answer was "Maybe one or two more than the number i told you before". I cant hold that against her now, she is someone different now, but i never bring it up to her. Thats just disgusting. There are times when i refuse to get intimate with her when that is running through my mind, i have to wait until that escapes my mind.

So i am not really sure. She is great, and i know she loves me. But she has horrible anger problems, jumps to conclusions way too fast, and thinks way too deeply. But then again, we have such an amazing time its not even funny. If it werent for the anger issue, i would say she is the perfect one for me. Even her parents tell me how happy they are that i am hers, and how they really hope we stay together for a long time, and they are willing to come in and help heal our relationship if we want in some way.

What do i do?[/QUOTE] One thing Lazer, I have read your other threads and the thing you ALWAYS say is that you don't hold your GF's past against her...BUT you always mention it at length. You glossed quickly over your own history and then describe her past faults in great detail. You must stop fooling yourself that you are overlooking these things. They are in the front of your thoughts in every dealing you have with her, to the point where it is stopping your sex life. That is not overlooking it. I am sure that you are not fooling her in the least and this is probably what is behind her "anger issues" (your label, but maybe not correct). I think that you are not going the right way about this relationship and in the long run you and she will make each other very unhappy..you are both insecure and have trust issues with each other, and from what you say, you at least do little to reassure her...joking about painful subjects, excluding her from family stuff, for a start. It sounds like she presses your buttons during arguments as well. I will say that you are both floundering and even though you say counselling is out of the question (in another thread) you two are obviously not managing to deal with your issues on your own. it is a pity, because you and she could have a really nice life if you can both work on things alone and together.
This is the thing indeed, Lazer. For one reason or another, you and she are not communicating effectively and constructively. Is there no one you can go to for mediation or counselling?? You both seem to really value your relationship but are getting bogged down in the 'blame game'. A counsellor will take you past this roadblock and help you to communicate and connect on a better level. It seems that in each of your confrontations you both need there to be a winner and a loser, but this need not be the case at all. At the very least, do some reading about communication and confronting and learn and practise the principles of active listening and assertive behaviour. If you don't get past your "you did this so I will do that" sort of method of conflict resolution, you will go round and round in the same rut til one or both of you finds it too boring and leaves. (By the way, get rid of the word 'blame' altogether, it is the biggest roadblock to mutual understanding this side of murder) Sera
Yeah i wish we could do counseling, but thats virtually out of the question. My school does not offer it, her school does not offer it. I am too poor, my job barely covers my basic needs as a college student, she doesnt have much either. My parents cannot pay for it, we are tight with money because my dad needs a pretty big surgery soon, her family cannot afford it. Its just not possible, i would have done this by now if i could.

I tried to talk to her on the phone this morning, that i have been acting all weird the past two days because i dont want to mess things up anymore. She said she would rather have me act like myself, and i told her im always screwing things up, and it results in an argument. Of course, she pinned it on me, saying its not her fault she gets upset.

Yeah, i admit, i have done [U][B]really[/B][/U] stupid things in the past with our relationship. I fixed those. We got together under bad circumstances so we had to keep our relationship a secret, she wanted me to change that, i did. Now just the tiniest things are blown way out of proportion. I mean yeah they arent the good thing to do in the first place, but the tiniest thing i do wrong ends up in an argument. But she messes up alot too, and i just simply tell her that i didnt like what she did and i would like her to not do it anymore. Everything she goes wrong, there is no argument, i tell her i dont like it, she understands, its over. When i do something wrong, she blames everything on me, calls me names, and i defend myself by justifying what i did or trying to come up with reasoning, and it turns into an argument.

I will try to talk to her again today, in person.
The more you say about her the more I realize that you two aren't having communications issues, you are just not compatible.

You have been with her for only [I]4 months[/I]! Here are some things that stick out to me that you have said about her in this thread:

~"We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences."
~"She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her."
~"She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous."
~"We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it."

Forgive me for asking, but where are the good times? She's starting to come off as a controlling spoiled child. If you spend time with your family she accuses you of cheating? You have lost friends over her (no doubt because she was insecure about you spending time with them). You can't even make a comment about tattoos without being accused of something. She sounds very insecure and childish.

The thing is you have not been together long. You have pretty much made your entire life revolve around her in a very short time. You are no longer you, you are what she wants you to be. You said numerous times about how you "changed" things to make her happy. You shouldn't have to change yourself to please anyone. This should be a happy part of your relationship and you are fighting 90% of the time. How is this even worth it anymore?

I'll give you some advice you probably don't want to hear. Forget about trying to figure out how to talk to her. It won't matter what you say, she will only hear what she wants to hear. She is not the right girl for you. End it before you invest any more time into her. Reconnect with some of your old friends and find yourself again without constantly feeling like you are walking on eggshells. She needs a guy who devotes every second to her and her needs. You will never be able to please her.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3116034]The more you say about her the more I realize that you two aren't having communications issues, you are just not compatible.

You have been with her for only [I]4 months[/I]! Here are some things that stick out to me that you have said about her in this thread:

~"We have had a rough relationship, mainly because of my past girlfriend experiences."
~"She gets mad at me because i sometimes dont know how to act, and i sometimes want to see my family without her."
~"She always used to accuse me of cheating, because i said i wanted to spend time with my family, which she finds ridiculous."
~"We argue just about 6/7 days a week, and most of the time they are pretty bad arguments. I admit, i do the wrong most of the time, but she blows it WAY out of proportion and makes huge deals out of it."

Forgive me for asking, but where are the good times? She's starting to come off as a controlling spoiled child. If you spend time with your family she accuses you of cheating? You have lost friends over her (no doubt because she was insecure about you spending time with them). You can't even make a comment about tattoos without being accused of something. She sounds very insecure and childish.

The thing is you have not been together long. You have pretty much made your entire life revolve around her in a very short time. You are no longer you, you are what she wants you to be. You said numerous times about how you "changed" things to make her happy. You shouldn't have to change yourself to please anyone. This should be a happy part of your relationship and you are fighting 90% of the time. How is this even worth it anymore?

I'll give you some advice you probably don't want to hear. Forget about trying to figure out how to talk to her. It won't matter what you say, she will only hear what she wants to hear. She is not the right girl for you. End it before you invest any more time into her. Reconnect with some of your old friends and find yourself again without constantly feeling like you are walking on eggshells. She needs a guy who devotes every second to her and her needs. You will never be able to please her.[/QUOTE]

The good times are great, and they usually happen throughout the day. I mean the time flies by, until she finds something i did wrong and then it explodes, then it goes away. Used to be day in and day out that we would have fun, time would fly by together.

I lost friends over another reason though, not because of her. It was my fault. I dont want to get into it, but thats a whole different story that was my fault.

And i dont change those kinds of things. I changed the things that are expected in a relationship, for example just not talking about other girls, i knew you werent supposed to do that, but i never actually put it into play, so i learned not to do that anymore. Its not like she changed things that are about me, for example my hobbies, my personality, any of that.

I just dont want to end it for a few reasons. The good times we have, are amazing. If i do leave her, i dont have anything to do with myself, just class, the day or two a week of work, and nothing. I lost all my friends, my parents are always at work. I would be left alone, she is actually going out of town for 2 days tomorrow, and i know those two days im going to be sitting around at my house all day long. And that, and im not the most desirable guy, i know if i leave this relationship, its at least another year of being single, if not way more. So i want to work things out, she wants to work things out too. But i want to get her to realize how shes acting, and there is not any way that i can do this.
Hard to call up old friends when the majority of them dont like you. And i have a hard time meeting new people because of a major flaw, and its noticable so i dont really try to meet people, if they are interested in getting to know me, so be it, if not, im not trying.

Today i told her how i hate our relationship being unfair. How the tattoo and muscle remarks were basically the same exact thing. She said if i really want to, i can make it fair by acting the way she does. In those words. I told her that i dont want to stoop to that level, where i have to hurt the person just because they hurt me. Thats ridiculous.

But amazing, i actually called her out on an argument and i ... kind of made the winning point. Im not in it to argue, its just that whole fairness issue, i couldnt make the tattoo remark, but her muscle remark was totally justified. She keeps bringing up stuff from the past that i have done, yeah, i know its bad that i did them in the first place, but she keeps making them a current problem rather than a past issue. I remembered how early in our relationship, she would bring up her past boyfriends, and her past sex antics which i hated to hear. Honestly, i forgot all about those, but i remember so many examples when she did this to me. I kept bringing them up all day today, because for one, they really did hurt me, i was reminded of them.

Then the more i thought about it, she made WAY more mistakes than i did. I made lots too, dont get me wrong, talking about other girls, and so forth. But at first, maybe the first month or two, she would basically tell me stories of her and past boyfriends. The thing is, i can put the past where it belongs, in the past. On the other hand, she brings up my mistakes all the time, whereas im just now realizing she has done the same exact thing as me, its just i put it in the back of my mind where it belongs.
Ok so I can’t even make quotes because there is so many I could quote, but you are right, you and her did the same thing, she freaked out and you did not. She has a hard time hearing you because you are so quiet, she speaks so loud, i'm sure, because she doesn’t want the same mistakes that happened in her past to happen again. maybe she was too quiet.. and now she feels she needs to voice her opnion so loud becasue that is the only way she will be herd. I know this because I did it. And we worked it out, and are VERY happily married. There will always be little issues, for example for me, I hate one of my husbands friends. I don’t like the way he gives advice about our relationship which he has no clue about. I voiced it, and he herd it. So now I know he can be friends with this man, and still love me. And that sometimes he will ***** about me or work, but really his advice means nothing, he is just there to be a friend, to be someone elts to listen to him. I will always dislike him, but I like him because he is a good caring friend to my husband, and I don’t want him to never have that. As long as my husband has a good friend, it really doesn’t matter what we think of each other. and I only think like that now becasue when I told my husband how I felt, I know he herd me.

You need to be herd too, she is so loud and clear, but you need to be herd too… what worked for me was he would write to me when we had a fight. I keep all those letter and today he tries to through them away. He thinks I keep them because I hold on to the negative. But I don’t I hold on to them because I really feel like it was the only way I could hear him. To remined me that I don’t need him to write me anymore. Exactly what you are saying here. you may need to write her. it worked for me.

If it doesn’t then I totally agree with happymom, your relationship is too controlling on her part, if she can't hear you, and only how she feels matters. you may need to be alone for a bit. And don’t be afraid. Even if it is just to prove to her and yourself that she cannot control you because of this fear. You don’t need to jump out and find a new girlfriend or new friends. (if you fined new friends that would be great) Just show her and yourself that you are not afraid to break up with her because you are afraid of being alone. If you are afraid of being alone, then she has total control over you. You do need to find new friends, and she has to accept that. and you need to find a hobby, like playing games, something that can keep your mined off of being alone. But you have to let her know if she keeps making you feel like **** then why are you with her, you would rather be alone.

[QUOTE]
Then the more i thought about it, she made WAY more mistakes than i did. I made lots too, dont get me wrong, talking about other girls, and so forth. But at first, maybe the first month or two, she would basically tell me stories of her and past boyfriends. The thing is, i can put the past where it belongs, in the past. On the other hand, she brings up my mistakes all the time, whereas im just now realizing she has done the same exact thing as me, its just i put it in the back of my mind where it belongs.
[/QUOTE]

Ask her if that is what she wants you to do, start counting her mistakes, point out what I said in the other post, that she only remembers the bad, and brings it up again and again. Write her or tell her. But I think write her, that you could keep brining up all her mistakes and hurt her as she does to you. But how that makes you feel and how you don’t want to hurt her because you love her. You know that people make mistakes but when it keeps getting rubbed in your face… how she can do that when you could never do that to her. Tell her there is no point to a relationship where people only remember the bad.
I think of all things, im just the least happy with her past. Now that i think about it, that is what bugs me the most, the stuff she used to do in her past.
Give it up Lazer, you are getting no closer to understanding anything about this relationship and how to heal things. You really really need to do some personal growth, and drop some of the baggage from this experience. You have no future with this girl while there are your unresolved issues with her past. I will not talk about her because everything about her has been filtered through you and it would be pointless for me to guess what she is all about. In spite of all the advice about communication, you are still on the same old hamster wheel. Stop going on about what SHE does, you can only control your own actions and responses. While you are concentrating on the unfairness of what she is doing, you are only reacting in a real knee-jerk way and nothing is getting resolved. Sort yourself and your own stuff out, you are in no shape to deal with a relationship until you do. Sera
[QUOTE=Seraph;3120114]I didn't mean it that way, just that it is second-hand, and your own side of things, so it would be wrong of anyone to try to guess at her real motivations, intentions or feelings. There are certainly some judgements I would not like to make based on such indirect information.[/QUOTE]

I know her reasoning, or what she told me of it at least.

She said she doesnt trust me because of the mistakes i made in the past. The mistakes: i went to an ex girlfriend's house for dinner since her mother invited me, early on in our relationship, maybe the first week, which yeah, i know its a horrible and dumb idea. I learned from it. The other mistake was calling another girl attractive, really horrible and dumb idea. I learned from it.

Then her other reason for being so insecure is that she told me the only men in her life have left her. Her dad left her when she was in 2nd grade, he hasnt seen him/heard from him since. Her other boyfriends were either abusive jerks, or cheaters. Her stepfather left her at one point too, but he came back, and she lost trust in him since he left that one time. The only guy in her life she has is her brother. Who is US Marine, so he is gone often times now. So she said its hard for her to get close to anyone because all the people she has been close to have left her. Then on top of that, her sister died when she was 5 of a very rare form of cancer (her sister was 8).

Thats the reasonings that i know, maybe theres more that i dont know about.

My reasonings is that i love her, but the thoughts in the back of my mind. The stories i heard about her, how she used to act, things she did with guys, and just how ridiculous she used to be. That really upsets me, it honestly makes my stomach sink when the thought crosses my mind.
You're fighting 6/7 days a week, after being together for four months. That right there is enough reason to call it quits. The reasons you list for not wanting to end it are really unhealthy. Not wanting to be alone is going to come back to haunt you later on in life, believe me. You should deal with this fear of being alone now, while you're still very young. Otherwise, it's just going to be one painful relationship after another.

If you decide to stay with her, then maybe you should also make an effort to cultivate some friendships. I know from past posts that you won't say what your issue is that you think is preventing you from making friends, but you may need to face whatever it is because clearly it's holding you back. That in turn is allowing you to overlook what sounds like a very destructive relationship, despite the good times you may have.
[QUOTE]She said she doesnt trust me because of the mistakes i made in the past. The mistakes: i went to an ex girlfriend's house for dinner since her mother invited me, early on in our relationship, maybe the first week, which yeah, i know its a horrible and dumb idea. I learned from it. The other mistake was calling another girl attractive, really horrible and dumb idea. I learned from it.[/QUOTE]Yeah going to an ex’s that is dumb, and only time can allow forgiveness. And calling another girl attractive, my husband does that, but he will say something like “your still the most attractive” I’m sure it’s a lie, but we need to hear it, maybe if you get a book like how to answer woman when they ask the question like “am I fat” most men don’t know how to answer, and there are books out there to help.[QUOTE]Thats the reasonings that i know, maybe theres more that i dont know about.[/QUOTE]Oh you bet there is! and I think that is why seraph was saying, its hard to help you when we only get your side. And I agree with her.
Yeah, like i said she did go away for that one day. The plan was to both have our own individual days, and well, we did, but we spent the entire day texting each other. When i picked her up, she was so excited. I can tell she loves me, she knows i love her. We also promised "to do whatever it takes to try to avoid arguments", and we both agreed, its not going to be bulletproof, im sure we'll still have them, but hopefully they'll reduce. The past 3 days we havent had one, although one of those days we didnt actually see each other, but then again often times we do get into arguments while we arent around each other. Often times shes talking about spending the rest of her life with me, and she sounds extremely serious about it.

I guess we just argued so much when i made this topic, neither of us were doing the right thing to avoid them. The day we spent apart was great, showed us how much we really miss each other, just from one day of not seeing each other. Hopefully it will work for a good while now, seems really steady honestly, we have plans throughout the week and such.

I am still bothered by the things i know about her past, but when i have good things to think about instead of the bad things, they arent as bad. Nothing changed about this part, it still makes me mad sometimes, still gets me literally sick to my stomach, but if our relationship is good and i have good thoughts in my head, those bad thoughts still come up, pretty frequently, but they're dismissed pretty fast.

And she put this under the "who i'd like to meet" section of a website. Its about me. Its been up for maybe 2 weeks now, she put it up around the highest point of our arguments.

[I]"I've already met him. His name is ----- --------. He is the greatest boyfriend anyone could ask for, yeah we fight and don't always get along but either way at the end of each and everyday I still love him. He is the one guy that will still give me a rush when I kiss him everytime, no matter how many times I've kissed him, I never get tired of it. We have so much fun together just making fart and poop jokes, playing video games, eating, swimming, going to the beach, showering, or just whatever it is we may do together. He is the sweetest guy I know. We have been through a lot together and I believe, as corny as it may sound, that we are truly meant to be together. I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my day then just see him, no matter what we're doing. If I don't see him everyday then my day isn't complete. Whenever I'm not with him I'm constantly texting him and calling him, even when I'm at parties, I spend my time playing with markers and making him a drunkin third grade drawing. I love getting his notes, and lists. I have a little binder with them all in it. I know that a lot of people, well majority of the people, don't really like the fact that ----- and I have gotten together, but I honestly don't care. I love him and he makes me happy. I hated how we had to hide our relationship at first, but I understood why we did. He felt guilty, plus, we knew people would eventually find out. Morgan was the first to know and then my family got wind of it and then Chelsea. Pretty soon everyone knew. Rumors started about me and ----- back in Febuary and they weren't true then, and I honestly never thought they would be, but by the time the second burts of rumors started up in March, they came true, I'm so happy that they did. I'm sorry if we have hurt anyone, but we just both want to be happy, and we are, we can be ourselves around each other. I love getting his good morning texts and sending them to him, I wake up early just to do so sometimes. I watch Maury with him, and he watches The Tyra show with me. We can usually find a compromise with most things. When I go through my phone it's all pictures and videos of him. I love it. I love being able to just look at my phone and see his face. It makes me smile no matter what. Now, to end this long rambling I will address ----- real quick: Baby, I love you, so much. You mean everything to me and I never want to hurt you. I hope that we always are together. I love you so much. Since my freaking cell phone is off I'm supposed to call you at 9:00, and since it's only 8:15 so I'll shower and eat, and then I get to call you! I hope you'll be awake! I love you baby, I really do."[/I]
Keep this line of thinking going, and forget about her 'past'. When you talk about her like this, it sounds like a totally different situation. She sounds as if she does really care about you.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:52 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!