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Thanks for your message. When we broke up, we didn't know what to do about communication. There wasn't any anger or bitterness between us, he didn't do anything wrong. Just pain. I remember him saying I had every reason to hate him, and me telling him how could I, when he had done nothing but be honest and I have so much love for him. So, our breakup was respectful, but very sad. Seeing him cry was one of the most horrible things I've had to witness. It broke MY heart to see him cry over breaking my heart. So we left it that we'd talk when I was ready, but both knew I'd be coming to collect my things from his house in a day or two.

Two days after the breakup I drove up to his house, called to tell him I would be there to get my things and he could come home from work if he liked (I had called in sick) and if he cared not to, I understood and would leave my keys on the kitchen table. He came home. We talked, or rather he listened, to how horrible I felt. I asked if he had any concrete reasons -- was he afraid of committment, was it work being #1 and maybe always being #1, was it me. He said it was all those things and others, nothing tangible, nothing I did, nothing wrong with me, no other women or desire to be with anyone. We were both just defeated and numb. At the end of the conversation I told him that communication was his to own up to. That he could not just throw his hands up in the air and back away without much reason or answers. He said that he thought it'd be better if we didn't talk for awhile, but he wanted to check in on me in a week or two if I was okay with it. I told him I didn't know -- I wanted to because I had no idea how I could go to sleep at night without him saying goodnight to me but part of me felt like he was making the choice that his life would be better without me, so he was not allowed to know how I was or what I was doing. He simply nodded and hung his head. He said that the door was open both ways and I said yes, but I communicating was up to him. We said goodbye, both of us crying. I told him to go back to work. I packed up my car with my things, walked around the house one more time, said goodbye to all of it, left my keys on the table and wrote a note that said "I love you. I will miss you. I hope you find what makes you happy and I am so, so sorry that I cannot be a part of it" and then I drove home and never saw or heard from him again. The call never came.

After a month I stopped waiting for it, stopped crying every night he didn't call. It is dramatic, but I felt like I was dumped every single over and over again when he didn't call.

Through friends, I knew that he was not himself, was down, was being private and quiet, had asked how I was -- inthe beginning. I thought for sure he would wait a bit and then call to check in. How could he know how horribly I was doing and not call to see how I was? But, the call still never came.

Recently, mutual friends told me that he's been more private than usual, isn't asking about me, refuses to talk about the breakup. They bring it up and he clams up, won't discuss it. Two of his best friends (I am close with their wives) finally cornered him a few weeks back asking why he never reached out to me, why he felt it was okay not to, how he felt about it. He told them he felt weird that too much time had now passed, that he didn't have answers for me, that he didn't know what to say or what would come from talking, he didn't want to make it any harder. The thing is...I agree. I know I can't be friends with him -- I don't want to be pals and send email forwards or text or grab a drink. And I know that unless he contacts me saying he has made a mistake that it would further kill me to be in contact and hear from him. Still, hearing that he had said this to our friends really hurts. Makes it seem even more final, if that is even possible.

So, no communication here. I guess even if the reasons he had for breaking up seem a little nebulous, the bottom line is how much data and closure do I need? All I need to know is what I already know: he can't do this and will not try to make it work any longer.

I get it, my head gets it. But it is just hard to really understand sometimes.





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