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Yikes! This definitely is not an easy situation, no matter what angle you look at it from!

First of all, I think a LOT of this is obviously due to the fact that she's having a hard time letting her son go. He's at that stage where he's leaving the nest and she's not taking it well. It will probably take her some time to get used to the fact that he's going to be starting a family of his own and she can't come over and make his favorite dinner every night.

Second, while I agree that it's good to get to know his mother and sympathize for how tough this might be for her, I also think you are wise to be cautious in proceeding with this relationship. If she DOESN'T get over this issue, you may have a MIL who spends the rest of her life trying to undermine you. The worst part is not that she came over, but that she attacked YOU for not making him the sandwich he wanted which shows that she's trying to prove to him that SHE is the best woman in his life. This kind of competition isn't healthy and can be very hard to deal with. I would keep my eyes wide open to see if this kind of behavior continues. (Incidentally, isn't it tempting to tell your boyfriend to make his own f-ing sandwich?????)

I would try and let this go for now, but keep a watchful eye on the situation. Make a mental note of instances like this, where she is pitting herself against you and is irrationally barging her way into your lives. If the point comes where you are 1) about to get married or 2) about to leave him because it's become so bad, then it's time to let him know your concerns. If you approach him now, there's an excellent chance he will side with his mom because he just isn't ready to get married yet and is trying to find himself. Give him some time to assert his independence on his own, but look out for him AND for yourself in the meantime.

For the record, my MIL is a wonderful woman and I have a very close relationship with her, but it STILL drives me nuts how she and my FIL will drive 2+ hours at the drop of a hat to bring us something we need or help with an outdoor project or whatever. On the surface that sounds GREAT, but sometimes I want to do things just the two of us and figure life out on our own. I had to talk to my husband about it, and while he was defensive he DID put his foot down and I notice they are coming over a little less frequently.

It's our natural instinct to defend and love our parents. When someone attacks them, especially someone we also love, it hurts because we are forced to choose sides and try to make everyone happy. If you DO decide to talk to him about this now, be careful. He may very well come around on his own in time...hes' only 22!

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