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hi first of all take adeep breath!!!!!!!!
I read your post and every single part of it was me 2 years ago!! im 22 and my first bf was when i was 17 i was with him for 2 years and it was hell because of this problem and we eventually split because of it.
the thing is i didnt fancy him or love him, i know i cared for him but it was more of a dependancy thing and it made my life hell. we were both eachothers first partners also. when i tried to talk to a friend about it she was really dismissive and no one could see or want to hear what i was going thru and thought it was pathetic but iwas going absoloute nuts!!!
my boyfriend was really attentive to me and never looked at other girls , yes he'd glance but thats all. i ripped a poster of a girl from his room when we first started going out with eachother and it all started from there really.
it would be a nightmare going out in public with him cos even if we walked past a female on the street id ask him if he liked her and he would say no and id be convinced he was lying!! i actually annoyed myself cos we would argue and he would say if i go to ask him questions like this anymore can i jus stop and not do it. so i would hold my thoughts to myself butt get so worried and agitated and feel i HAD to know if he liked this girl or that girl that i would burst out saying it anyway!! i couldnt watch tv with him even stupid stuff like eastenders id get jealous if there was any young female and in my head id assume he was looking at then in a sexual way and jus feel so threatened. ifelt EXACTLY like you as in i HAD to be the only female getting his attention even if he spoke to a shop assistant or a barmaid while we were out id turn things into a fullscale row and the whole day would be ruined but after the initial anger and jealousy id feel intense panic in my chest and like it dropped like when youre in a lift.cos i felt my whole existence and purpose of being was revolved around him.i ddnt feel that loving towards him but wen i thought he was looking at another girl i would feel sick to my stomach. one night i kept asking him questions about christina aguilera and forcing him to tell me why he thought she was pretty(even tho he only ever admitted her being ok looking)i didnt beleive him and its almost as if i wanted to force him to tell me stuff that hurt me, it sounds crazy. but anyway he told me she was better looking than me cos so and so he gave his reasons and i felt so terrible like my world was crumbling. him liking other girls had sooo much impact on me and i cried in his bedroom non stop for 4 hours even his mum and dad heard me, but then i ended up getting into bed with him and cuddling. i felt i had to look my best for him all the time even tho he never put me down in any way, infact he was the opposite and complemented me so much. i found out that he like lucy pinder(dunno if youve heard of her?) some glamour girl and i was so upset and furious i would obsess about it and torture myself by trying to find pix of her and compare myself to her and ask him questions and demand answers and cry for hours. he went to some car show and got a calendar of her and got her to sign it.this was towards the end of our relationship and i think id done his head in so much that he didnt care what he done anymore but it really killed me inside and in my mind proved what i thought as in he lusted over these girls and was a pervert and didnt fancy me ect. i realised i wasnt mentally stable or well, i felt so disturbed by this constant worrying 24/7 and obsessing over it and i realised i had issues with was more about myself on the inside and insecurities about myself as a person. my family and upbringing and bad relationship with my dad didnt do me any favours and i know this is what caused my low self esteem which iddnt realise i had until i got into a relationship.ive dated guys since him but i havnt ever felt that degree of jealousy again hope to god i never will. maybe its because ive not experienced the intensity of such a relationship but i feel that with jealousy, you only stop feeling it when you lose something that cant be replaced by it and it gives you a BIG wakeup glad hes out of my life and im over him and i never want to go back to the place i was with him.ive occassionally asked the guy i saw recently whether he liked a girl that as on a tv prog but i didnt think much on his answer because ive donr alot of growing up and since being away from my ex can see things rationally and that some1 is not going to be lusting over some1 else 24/7 when they are with a partner they love. youre not doing it so why would your man? i still have my jealosy but i try to keep it at bay its something that nearly destroyed me but its all about you and how youre feeling inside, it all comes back to you.please try to remember you are a unique person with qualities your partner obviously loves in you and no one can replace that men are tantalised for a few minutes by the image of a womans body, its science but if you really love your guy and dont want to lose him talk to him. dont accuse him jus tell him how worried you are and how bad you feel x

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