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Relationship Health Message Board


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hi first of all take adeep breath!!!!!!!!
I read your post and every single part of it was me 2 years ago!! im 22 and my first bf was when i was 17 i was with him for 2 years and it was hell because of this problem and we eventually split because of it.
the thing is i didnt fancy him or love him, i know i cared for him but it was more of a dependancy thing and it made my life hell. we were both eachothers first partners also. when i tried to talk to a friend about it she was really dismissive and no one could see or want to hear what i was going thru and thought it was pathetic but iwas going absoloute nuts!!!
my boyfriend was really attentive to me and never looked at other girls , yes he'd glance but thats all. i ripped a poster of a girl from his room when we first started going out with eachother and it all started from there really.
it would be a nightmare going out in public with him cos even if we walked past a female on the street id ask him if he liked her and he would say no and id be convinced he was lying!! i actually annoyed myself cos we would argue and he would say if i go to ask him questions like this anymore can i jus stop and not do it. so i would hold my thoughts to myself butt get so worried and agitated and feel i HAD to know if he liked this girl or that girl that i would burst out saying it anyway!! i couldnt watch tv with him even stupid stuff like eastenders id get jealous if there was any young female and in my head id assume he was looking at then in a sexual way and jus feel so threatened. ifelt EXACTLY like you as in i HAD to be the only female getting his attention even if he spoke to a shop assistant or a barmaid while we were out id turn things into a fullscale row and the whole day would be ruined but after the initial anger and jealousy id feel intense panic in my chest and like it dropped like when youre in a lift.cos i felt my whole existence and purpose of being was revolved around him.i ddnt feel that loving towards him but wen i thought he was looking at another girl i would feel sick to my stomach. one night i kept asking him questions about christina aguilera and forcing him to tell me why he thought she was pretty(even tho he only ever admitted her being ok looking)i didnt beleive him and its almost as if i wanted to force him to tell me stuff that hurt me, it sounds crazy. but anyway he told me she was better looking than me cos so and so he gave his reasons and i felt so terrible like my world was crumbling. him liking other girls had sooo much impact on me and i cried in his bedroom non stop for 4 hours even his mum and dad heard me, but then i ended up getting into bed with him and cuddling. i felt i had to look my best for him all the time even tho he never put me down in any way, infact he was the opposite and complemented me so much. i found out that he like lucy pinder(dunno if youve heard of her?) some glamour girl and i was so upset and furious i would obsess about it and torture myself by trying to find pix of her and compare myself to her and ask him questions and demand answers and cry for hours. he went to some car show and got a calendar of her and got her to sign it.this was towards the end of our relationship and i think id done his head in so much that he didnt care what he done anymore but it really killed me inside and in my mind proved what i thought as in he lusted over these girls and was a pervert and didnt fancy me ect. i realised i wasnt mentally stable or well, i felt so disturbed by this constant worrying 24/7 and obsessing over it and i realised i had issues with myself.it was more about myself on the inside and insecurities about myself as a person. my family and upbringing and bad relationship with my dad didnt do me any favours and i know this is what caused my low self esteem which iddnt realise i had until i got into a relationship.ive dated guys since him but i havnt ever felt that degree of jealousy again hope to god i never will. maybe its because ive not experienced the intensity of such a relationship but i feel that with jealousy, you only stop feeling it when you lose something that cant be replaced by it and it gives you a BIG wakeup call.im glad hes out of my life and im over him and i never want to go back to the place i was with him.ive occassionally asked the guy i saw recently whether he liked a girl that as on a tv prog but i didnt think much on his answer because ive donr alot of growing up and since being away from my ex can see things rationally and that some1 is not going to be lusting over some1 else 24/7 when they are with a partner they love. youre not doing it so why would your man? i still have my jealosy but i try to keep it at bay its something that nearly destroyed me but its all about you and how youre feeling inside, it all comes back to you.please try to remember you are a unique person with qualities your partner obviously loves in you and no one can replace that men are tantalised for a few minutes by the image of a womans body, its science but if you really love your guy and dont want to lose him talk to him. dont accuse him jus tell him how worried you are and how bad you feel x
[QUOTE]Stop comparing yourself to others. I agree that labeling anyone you see as potential competition for your boyfriend's attention as a **** is a bit aggressive. Just because some woman's job is exotic dancing does not make her a ****. They get paid to do it, and could probably care less about anyone's boyfriend. I would guess that all they really care about is making some cash like anyone else. [/QUOTE]I think that this is what bugs most woman, not all woman, but most of them, because they are getting Paid to do things to turn on men. And then men pour their money in to it. This example is cars, I’m not sure, but I bet they don’t take their clothes off, and dance completely naked, only dance as if they do. And then this helps men to enjoy cars more. They are only hired because they are **HOT** and can do what is asked. And when you are in a relationship as a woman on the other end, we end up comparing ourselves to these perfect looking woman. We feel it is our job to turn on men, we dress up for them every day, and when its time to make love we dress up even more. Because this is what society is telling us to do. This is what all the porn and cute girls in newspapers, magazines, and models, are telling us to do.

And then we wonder why so many woman have such low self-esteem. We compare ourselves to them all the time. And some woman have high self esteem, and don’t worry at all, and that is what we are all trying to work towards. The public is dealing with this problem slowly, there are people out there trying to say models don’t need to be skin and bones because of what it does to young girls they start comparing them self at a young age.. and they feel they need to become that, or be left behind. This is all part of us growing and becoming who we are today.

I too, hate when I see this stuff around my husband. For myself, my husband also likes these kind of conventions, mostly computer stuff, but it has its girls that look like “anime” doing pretty much the same thing. It doesn’t bother me, because my self-esteem has really grown, but strippers still do.

My husband is my first true love and I am his. He’s the only one I have ever been with. But I’m not the only one for him. I can totally see where your insecurities are coming from. I mean you b/f has never had anyone before you, I KNOW he will wonder. If he doesn’t he isn’t normal. I do. I never did for years, but then over time, all his looking at porno and strippers, or checking out girls started making me check out guys. The only reason I never did before is because there are not really as many available “play girls” out there as play boys. Like I said above, we are surrounded with images of perfect half naked woman, and young girls seem to be wearing less and less each year. But these images are not surrounding us with men. Most of us don’t even realize that men do come in VERY different sizes. We are always told the female body is beautiful, but the man’s is not, so we don’t see it often, but it is just a beautiful as woman’s… if we only saw more of it. We would have our man just a worried as we are.

More men would be waxing their hairy chest, body building, and stuffing themselves with socks. LOL But people who can get past all that, are the really strong ones. And they build strong relationships that are not going to fall apart at the smallest thing.

But many people do fall in love as high school sweethearts and marry and stay together for 50 years. It can happen, it’s just hard. Its much easier for yourself to grow with different relationships then to do it with only one partner.
Just my two cents, Lucinda:

The more you get jealous and irrational about his interaction with other women, the more you are going to push him away. It doesn't sound like this guy is doing anything wrong. He'd been with you a long time and obviously isn't going to these races to meet women. He enjoys sharing these events with YOU....it would be a much bigger concern if he was finding reasons you leave you at home so he could be there by himself. The more you fume over every little contact he has with another woman, the more he's going to wonder why you are acting so cold. When this consumes you enough to stop having fun over, you both are going to wonder why you are still together and it's going to hurt your relationship.

So how do you stop it? Cold turkey. Just like cigarettes or booze. Make a conscious choice to trust him. Realize that this is YOUR issue and stop taking it out on him. The next time you see him innocently talking to another girl, take a deep breath and remember that he's with YOU. Think about a guy friend you have and how you completely aren't attracted to him....then realize your boyfriend feels the same way about all these girls.

I think you are on to something when you say that this is related to your own self esteem. Any ideas on why yours dropped so low a few months ago? Make sure you haven't given up things you love to put all your energy into your boyfriend. It's important you keep your friends, hobbies, and activities so you have other ways of feeling worthy besides just being "his girlfriend." Counseling may be an option...but only if you can't figure out why your self esteem dipped so much around the same time the jealousy started. Any ideas?

As for the porn issue, everyone will have a different opinion and the only one that really matters is yours. I used to HATE porn and think that guys who looked at it were complete cheaters. Once I grew up, got out of college, and had a VERY solid, trusting relationship, however, I started feeling differently about it. I knew that my boyfriend occasionally looked at it, and I was able to see that it really had nothing to do with me. He wasn't a sex addict. He didn't want to marry these women. He just liked being turned on. I've been turned on by things on TV and movies before, and I liked that, too. It didn't mean we were horrible people. It was at that point that I realized my own self-esteem was the highest it had ever been. I was completely secure with myself so that I didn't worry about comparing myself to any other women, including those on the internet. About that same time, I found out that he wasn't looking at porn anymore because he felt like it was disrespectful to me so it wasn't an issue anyway. I can't stress this enough: THE MORE SECURE AND HAPPY YOU ARE WITH YOURSELF, THE LESS JEALOUS YOU WILL BECOME!!!

I hope you find the path of least resistance to this realization, and enjoy a long and happy relationship with your guy. He sounds like a keeper!





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