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Confused
Jul 29, 2007
I am in need of some serious advice. Although I'm pretty sure I know what I'm going to get fired back at me, and realize it will mostly be negative, I need to get this out there so someone can please help me with getting my thoughts straight.

First of all, I am married to a wonderful man who is 10 years older than me. We have 2 beautiful children. We love each other very much, but at the same time I feel like I'm not *IN* love with him. I.e. I'm not feeling physically attracted to him, or feeling the excitement.

Let's backtrack this a little bit. After the birth of my daughter (my second child) I joined a gym and lost over 100 lbs. I've always been a very shy girl and never had much attention from guys. My husband was my first sexual partner and I was his. After losing the weight, I started back to my old job which involved working with a staff of mostly males. Everyone was really nice and complimented me on my weight loss, told me I looked great, etc. One guy in particular though started making little flirty comments. He was going out with a girl I know and I mentioned how she was jealous of another girl who works with us being prettier than her. I told him over instant messenger to be careful because "Shelley is jealous of Mary." You have to know his sense of humour but he just said "Well maybe if I'm really lucky I can get them both at the same time for some group fun." It was all meant as a joke to make me laugh and I took it as such. We have that kind of humour. I did laugh and told him he was funny. His next comment was "I would invite you to join as well but you are married and all." I took this as still joking and said "Yeah trying to make the married girl feel the excitement of the single crowd. You're just trying to make me feel good but thanks." His response was "No no, I would definitely sleep with you too." I was dead silent and his next reply was "I am so going to hell for that comment aren't I? lol" I just laughed, again, taking it as silly flirting . We could hear each other laughing across the office so I didn't take things seriously.

Anyhow, this friendship / flirting thing went on for months. We have the same group of friends due to work, he's gone out for supper with my family and I. We are very close. Anytime I've stressed out over things he's been there to pep talk me or tell me I'm doing a great job at work. One day he told me he was considering leaving work and I got really sad. I started looking for something else myself. He had an interview with a big IT company that was doing some hiring. I was sad thinking he was going to leave. He had his interview, did well, but never heard anything back from them. He didn't seem concerned about actively pursuing the job with them so not much was said. Fast forward a bit about 2 months later. I get a call from the same company. I interviewed, they really liked me, and hired me a week later. This guy was really excited for me and said he would be sad to see me go. We promised to keep in touch over MSN and e-mails which we have. I wasn't at my new job a week when he told me he made contact with the company asking if they made any decisions about hiring him. They interviewed him again and to make a long story short they offered him a job. Perhaps a missing piece of this story is that over half the staff from my old job have now gone on to this new company. I just found it little odd that he chose to put a big effort into getting on there as well after I left?

He started on with the company and it was great. We'd eat lunch together and take breaks to go for a walk down to the store and grab breakfast. A guy who was on the same team as me was also friends with this guy so I noticed he would stop by our team frequently to chat. He wouldn't always say hello to me but part of me wonders if he was making the trips over just to check up on me?

Let's bump things up a little bit ahead. I quit my job with this company last week because I found it far too stressful. That same evening I got an e-mail from this guy asking me if I was okay, telling me he was worried and to please call him. I e-mailed him that I was going back to my old job that I couldn't handle the stress of the new job but that I was much happier. He told me he was happy for me and that he would call me later. He did indeed call me later that evening. He said he spoke with the human resource manager and found out I could have my job back with the company if I just told them I was having a bad day and would like to come back. I know this guy cares a great deal about me.

Between all of these events going on, many things have happened both friendship wise and beyond friend wise. We have flirted back and forth. He helped me through a very difficult situation where an ex boyfriend came home for a visit and I felt completely crushed. I had my heart broken. This guy was there as a friend to cheer me up. We are very good friends. I feel like he's comfortable talking to me about anything and I feel the same way with him. We've had 2 instances where we have kissed each other. One time was at a party after having had a few drinks. We ended up hugging and he gave me a light kiss on the lips. It wasn't anything serious. The second time happened while we were hanging out at his place watching some tv after a party.

I just can't figure this guy out though. He's very attractive and smart. While we were hanging out with one another as friends I know he hadn't slept with a girl in over 6 months. Just a couple of weeks ago we were all out with a group of friends though and he met a nice girl who he's currently seeing. They have started seeing one another frequently and I know they have slept together. The other night we all went out for a work event to play some pool and do some dancing. I really didn't expect him to be there or if he was there I expected to see the new girl. When I got there though he wasn't there. He immediately came over to me, gave me a big hug and told me how great I looked. I said thank you, chatted a little then went over to talk to the rest of the group from work. I found it a bit uncomfortable talking to him now that he has a 'gf'. Anyhow, later on he came over and sat on the couch across from me. There was a coffee table between us and I felt a foot nudge me under the table. I figured it was an accident but then I noticed it continued to happen it was like a rub. It was this guy playing footsies with me. I didn't know what to think in my mind. "He's seeing that other girl?" I'm married but I admit I have feelings for this guy and he knows it. He also knows I'm not one to mess around. Anyhow we were all talking and he said he was going to go get a bite to eat next door with his friend. He gave me a big hug and left. The rest of the group decided they were going to leave so I got up to leave as well. I decided to say bye to him again on the way out so I stopped by the pizza place where they were eating. They invited me to sit down at the table with them where we shared some jokes and laughed. On our way out, Dave put his arm around me and hugged me close. Some drunk guy started talking to us about very strange things which was entertaining for a few minutes. We started walking again and I offered to drive him and his friend home. His friend is also my good friend. We walked to my guitar, with our arm around one another the entire way. I dropped his friend off at home then proceeded to take him home. I pulled the car up in front of his place and stopped to let him out. He said "Thank you for driving me home. I apologize for being such a flirt, I just can't help it." I just laughed and said "Yeah, you like to tease me." He grinned and said "I can't help it. You are married, anything more and I would get in trouble." I then said something like "Yeah and you are seeing that new girl now." I can't remember what happened next but we ended up leaning in towards each other, staring into each other's eyes and kissed. It wasn't just a simple lip kiss either, this was a serious kiss. He opened his mouth, our tongues touched, it was incredibly hot. The next thing we know though we hear the door open to his place and it's his roomate (who I might add is also a co-worker of mine!) We both panicked wondering if he saw. Dave told me "It's okay, if he says anything just say I was whispering in your ear." His roomate came over to the car to chat, said he was going up to work for an hour but that he would be back." We said bye to him and just looked at one another. He said he should leave before getting into trouble. I laughed at him and called him a tease. He then leaned in and kissed me again. It was all very exciting but it didn't go any further. He told me "I really should stop, you are married." And I said "Yes I know and I don't want to ruin things with you and your new girl." He laughed and said "Sure you don't". I looked at him seriously and said "You know I want you to be happy but you also know that I like you." He said "I know." Anyhow, he left and I started to drive home. On my way home he texted my cell phone saying "It's so hard to behave myself around you."

I don't know what to think. I know I'm married and this entire behavior is awful. At the same time, I feel like I have a strong connection to this other guy. We've worked together for over 3 years. He knows me very well. He knows I've been hurt in the past. He also knows about the problems in my marriage and that I'm trying to work on things. Are guys just willing to forget all that to get some action with such a good friend? Or is he interested in me? When I say he helped me through some difficult times I mean that he was there for me when my ex boyfriend came for a visit. My ex tried to get with me and emotionally confused my mind. This guy friend of mine was like "He's not worth it. He's not seroius about being with you. He knows you have kids and if he gets involved with you he has to accept your kids, etc. etc." So he knows all these things right? I feel he wouldn't deliberately try to hurt me by just trying to get with me. At the same time, maybe it was just a caught up moment and he stopped things when he realized he could hurt me? Yet this isn't the first time we've kissed. I'm so confused.

By the way, I've confessed all of this to my husband and explained my confusion. I'm not one to lie about things. My husband understands although he's hurt at the same time.

I just really need to know what is going through this guy's mind. I don't know if I should act like nothing happened or ask him if he's feeling something more. He's seeing another girl but I feel like I'm entitled to ask him what he's thinking. But I don't want to lose my friend. *Sigh*

If anyone read through all of this, I thank you.





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