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I feel i should be mad at that reaction because he was being mean and he said it mean. he shouldnt want to hurt my feelings and thats what he does. why would he not WANT to spend time with the person he loves?

i just talked to him on the phone and he got mad because i called him at work. i always call him at work one time only though or if i need to reach him again i do but he tells me to do so thats how we are. he yelled at me and said he was busy blah blah and asked what do i want!?! and i couldnt even remember so i basically just hung up and balled my eyes out. i said to myself i cant take this anymore i dont wanna be with him anymore, but then i feel guilty for saying that. because i dont know if i mean it, but if im saying it must have some meaning behind it. and when i say i need him i mean i do need him in my life even if we arent together, even as a friend because i still love his friendship too. Hes like a friend i wouldnt want to lose, hes just not a good boyfriend. Because he cant commit to anything but hisself.

But what do you think when you know someone loves you (like him) but you feel he is plain out mean to you. why would someone do that especially if it wasnt always this way? i know he gets frustrated when he has a hard time paying his bills and stuff or car problems and thats fine, thats human but i want him to remember that i understand that and i can help him and i think he forgets. he takes it out on me.

if i threaten to leave he will say he doesnt care, thats how he hides his feelings, thats what hes good at. but i dont want him to say he wont care i want someone anyone to show me they do care about me!! i still have never found that one person guy or girl to show me.

and you said...Would it be uncomfortable to be packing up and moving with him just sitting there watching. Would he be able to afford the rent? I may be off on the details, but I would think it would be hard to make the living arrangement changes without feeling really weird and sad and without having a plan.
I personally think that we are past those things, if i do leave him what is done will be done. and what i have to do i will do. If his feelings get hurt, i really cant help that as he does not help my feelings getting hurt. i tell him when they do.
Im now starting to feel he maybe wants to leave me too. Why else would he be acting this way anymore and basically flat out saying i dont care about certain things, thats ridiculous! thats not a relationship in my opinion and i cant take that. it hurts too much anymore. I can only cry so much and i feel i have nothing left and thats its time to go.
and no i dont have anyone else to go see a movie with. i really never do, my friends make up excuses for some reason and there really is no one else.
i want to see the bourne ultimatum, i love matt damon...id love a man like him haha :-)
wow i smiled.
Oh my gosh thats so funny that your husband wants to see this too! And i just told my boyfriend earlier that it was getting awesome reviews i used those exact words also. and my brother just saw it..he said it was an amazing movie! I cant wait, and i do love me some matt damon. you arent into movies like this huh? Im happy with movie food too! and yes im soooooo excited!

Speaking of emails, he just sent me one that apologized for yelling at me when i called him. He said hes just really busy today (hes a mechanic) and its like 105 degrees in his shop so hes frustrated. He hates the heat! Seeing that email was a comfort because i needed to know that he cares some what. I just need to know that im not in this alone and that if we did decide to not be together id want it to be mutual, or at least understandable. i dont want it to be a huge outrageous fight. that would just be terrible. and plus id still want to be his friend, thats important to me as i dont have many. And the friends i do have, that mean alot to me..live in another state. So its hard.

But he tells me though that i am his best friend and that he wouldnt want us to not be together and he even brings up the subject of marriage, i dont. i hope that means something. Half the time when i let him know i am upset by something he has done, he tells me he doesnt even realize that he said/did something to upset me. That could be a good thing and a bad thing. Its bad because hes not understanding things that could upset anyone not just me. Im sensitive and i want the person who loves me to always think great and wonderful and happy things about me. So if he says a mean joke, it brings me down. I dont wanna hear a mean joke about myself from my man. But its a good thing though in my eyes, because he is honestly admitting ( i hope) that he does not know when things upset me and that i should tell him and that hes just basically being himself. When he does joke he has a different tone and expression you know, and usually laughs, but since he does it SO much i really have no idea anymore whats true and what isnt so that to me is frustrating and confusing so then i get upset!

We truly are different people, and ive always hoped that opposites attract. and we use to but not so much anymore. im really really hoping that tonight will be good and that we can get out and go to the drive in and just relax. but its terrible for me to get my hopes up all the time and then there just shot down. I guess i will find the right decision for me when the time is truly right. i dont know if it is right now or not, im still confused and i still need to think things through and see how the weekend goes. sunday i wont be with him all day, when i usually am. so i am curious to see how that goes.

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Hopefully i will see this movie later, i will let you know! Go have a fun night with your hubby, make him happy... :-)
i wish it was that simple for me!!





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