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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I completely understand you floundering between "that's not love" and "I do love him". You're right in both statements. You do love him. When you are around anything or anyone long enough you become attached and you love the comfort of that attachment. It is human nature and I totally understand when you say you love him. But you're right. It's not love. It's not mutual adult love.

Ya know the guy I mentioned earlier about bing with for 6 years? This man taught me some of the most valable lessons of my young adult life. I really don't regret that relationship and I still feel grateful to him for that. Like you, I really learned to grow up when with him. And when we broke up, I was SCARED TO DEATH!!! I suddenly had to find out who I was and what I could do all on my own. And I realized that I hadn't done certain things for myself for a very long time and I sort of had to re-emerge as myself even though I had grown up so much and learned so much through my relationship with him. It was like the second stage of breaking up with him. The letting go part. And I'll be honest. I felt weak several times after the break up and ended up back with him a few times with the understanding that we weren't "together". All that time though, I knew it would have to be cut off for good if I wanted to eventually have the mature and fuflfilling relationship I deserved. At the time I had no way of knowing if that was out there at all for me so that made it scary too. I needed to find a way to not feel so lonely when I was alone. As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my abilities, I think I started to ooze confidence (not in an arrogant way) and that seemed to attract men who felt worthy of a very confident woman. I don't think your guy feels worthy of the woman he knows you have the potential to be. I bet it feels even more comfortable for him to stay with someone who he has been able to take advantage of. I know he doesn't set out to do that....but it happens and he doesn't have the backbone right now to stop himself, be a man and communicate with you.

You sound like the kind of girl who would be understanding if he sat you down and said, "Honey, I quit my job. I am really emabrrassed and I don't want to let you down. But I need your help in figuring out what the next step is."

Wouldn't you be totally giving of yourself and love him through that? Albeit disappointed, but you would want to help him. If you guys don't have a way of approaching things like that, then there will be a lot of gray areas, a lot pushed under the rug, a lot of wondering and a lot of suspicion. That is not a safe place to be when you are putting all of your love on the line.

It's like a toddler who will get away with as much as they can even though they love their mom. They will steal a cookie, even though they love their mom. They will lie about the cookie. And they will cry when the mother insists a consequence because she knows better. A toddler has the advantage that there is natural maturing that will ocurr from age 2 to age 18. But if this guy is grown....how do we know he will learn not to steal the cookie in the first place and not to lie about it if you do. He has exhibited a pattern of behavior that clearly displays what your life will be like if you decide to spend your life with him. I mean you know exactly how he is, you love him despite that, but if you enter marriage and then feel disappointed at all in any way....you really will have no room to ever complain to him about how he is. Would you be able to live with that.

You definitely understand how to love someone unconditionally. That is good and definitely something you have to be willing to do in marriage. You have forgiveness down and you have a growing awareness about who you are and what is going to work for you. Loving unconditionally is one thing...but enabling someone is another. Meaning, that they get everything they want regardless of their behavior simply because you love them. They get to make out with you, they get support from you, they get the pleasure of your company no matter how they act. The beautiful person in you doesn't move away from the hurt of his behavior. So why would he exert any effort into stopping the bad behavior? He'll cry from time to time and feel bad when caught, but he knows he'll get over that and have you to always "be there for him". It sounds nice in a way like, "I'll always be there for you." But you'll always be there for him to what...walk all over you? You can love someone til the cows come home. But if you love them AND forgive them too many times and cover up the feelings to leave with, "but I love him" then you will feel jipped at some point in your life. But you won't be able to blame him. Because it is you who is deciding how to set up your life and with whom. It sounds like you have something going where he knows you'll leave if he pulls anything like that one more time. But often, when girls don't want to leave and they know they should....they will subconsciously NOT pick up the signs like coming home early during a late shift. They will sadly, let their senses go weak without realizing they are doing it. If you don't see the signs then he is never caught and there is no lie and there is no reason to get up and move from what has become comforting and familar.

When deciding on a relationship you have to judge it based on its worst day. (On the best days like the one year anniversary it's always blissful). But take a look at the very worst days. Were you proud of the way he handled things? If your children were watching the whole day would you feel comfortable with them learning how to be a man from him? Did you feel empowered as his partner that day because you understood him more and knew he understood you more? Fights and things are okay, but if they aren't constructive and you are feeling the way you are feeling, those fights won't get you anywhere.

Look, I don't want to talk you into one choice or another. You need to feel comfortable with your choice and I hate to hear that your family is crappy. This is when you need you kin the most. I really am sorry. I don't know why your story has jumped out at me so much. I guess because I felt I was in a similar situation and came so clase to marrying the guy. And if I had, I never would have knownthe very different life that I have now.

When we put it on paper the answer is clear:
You don't trust him
He doesn't fully accept you
You, then, can't fully accept him
He has been caught in lies
This is not a good start for a marriage or for babies to be born into.

But of course relationships don't exist just on paper. There is that attachment I spoke of earlier. That is very real and impossible to ignore. But listen, if your family is crappy (and I am sure you love them anyway) do you want to perpetuate this cycle and start off yet another crappy family for your babies. It really isn't fair for them and they aren't here yet to speak up for themselves. You could be one of the women in your family who revolutionizes the way relationships go in your family. Where honesty, sensitivity and genuine adoration equal mature love where you CHOOSE a person that shows a history of mature decisions and actions.

You are really welcome for listening. No one should have to mull thisover alone. It's too huge and it is important to have an objective point of view from someone who doesn't see the two of you together enough to already have an opinion. Have you thought anymore about writing him a letter? Maybe you need to just let things happen for a a few weeks and see if you feel like that is necessary. If you want to email me I have another exercise that I think might help you if you're interested. If you click my profile you can get it...I think. But we're not allowed to post email addresses in here.

Keep me posted:)





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