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Relationship Health Message Board


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I agree. It doesn't do anyone any good to call him a loser. And I can honestly tell you that that is not my opinion. He has his issues, like we all do.

Let's see if we can dissect this though. It sounds to me like you need him. But keep in mind that the familiarity of him and your dependency is not love. I'm not saying you don't have feelings of love. People love to be familiar and depend on someone. It feels soothing. My concern is that he is not yet a man and that you are not yet a woman. You sound so introspective and sensitive and aware. You obviuosly have a strong sense of empathy and you refuse to let the negative take over. These are really great qualities. But it seems like somewhere down the road you lost some control of your success as this brilliant woman and fell into a comfortable rut. (I really think that I have been there and have done this very thing before). I think it would be truly irresponsible to ever have children or even put yourself in the position to possibly, accidentally have children with someone who has not proven his ability to take care of a family emotionally and financially. You're no dummy, I can tell and you're right. It takes a HUGE amount of work and can be emotionally exhausting and draining to have children. Not to ignore the wonderfulness it brings. It is pure joy. But you would never want your child to someday feel embarrassed or abandoned emotionally by their daddy.

Love is something that we decide to do. It does not happen to us. It is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. That's a fact. But the commitment is what is always there waiting when the love feeling comes back. I have always hated that Jerry MacGuire line, "You complete me." I truly think that people need to be complete and stable on their own and then CHOOSE to spend their life with someone they admire and can learn from. If you are incomplete....and then some one person can complete you....well then what happens if they die, or if they leave you? Are you done for? No absolutely not. There is a woman there in you that needs to be independently completed. You truly deserve better. I'm not knocking him. He actually might eventually be the "better" that you deserve. But not yet. Not now. He needs to prove that he wants and can handle a family and a wife.

Is he willing to listen to your concern? (Or maybe he does the jokey thing and brushes it off like you said). I know a man who is just like that. Unfortunately, a lot of people have been trying to tell him some very important things before he loses his wife and his grandchildren and ruins other relationships too. The only way to get him to listen was to write it in a well crafted letter that was short but was meaty with the information he needed to hear. He couldn't interrupt or make a joke out of it because there was no one there to interrupt and there was no one there to laugh at his un-funny joking. It seemed to wake him up a little. A little. And he is inhis sixties. He knows he doesn't have as much time so he si more likely to take it seriously. Maybe you could write this guy a letter and maybe preface it with, "I'd like you to read this and take it as seriously as you think you can. If it feels too deep and serious then put it down and try to read it later. But if you love me - if we are to make this relationship work, there are some things that you must understand about me."

That's what I think I would try, but still, darlin' why on earth do you feel comfortable around anyone who thinks there is anything stupid about you or your ideas? I think it would break your mother's heart to know this. And if not hers, it breaks mine. I hardly know you at all!! But I can tell you are not stupid. With that said, I understand how smart women can feel so comfortable in this kind of situation. I was in a comfortable relationship for 6 years and for 4 of the years I knew it wasn't right. God, it was so hard. And when I finally broke up the relationship....he didn't understand, or didn't take me seriously....like he still thought we were together! I had to do the whole thing again and really force him to listen. And it was sad. I did love him. I still have a place for him in my heart. But now I am married and a little older and wiser. In retrospect, I thank my lucky stars that I had the guts to gently make the break.





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