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Please Help!
Aug 2, 2007
Hello. This is a bit complicated, so please bear with me...

Here is a little bit of what I've been going through in the past couple days. I am looking for support, advice, ANYTHING because I am so hurt/confused/etc...

I am a 21 year old College Student, and I have been dating this guy for 2 years. He is funny, smart, sexy, and just an all around good guy. He respects me for me, and has really been there for me through some tough times. A few months ago, he decided to study abroad literally on the other side of the earth. I was upset, but I decided to support him entirely. He suffers from depression and he is bipolar, and I worried about him being able to make it on his own. He insisted he wasn't going to leave me, and that he would come home to me. I stood behind him 110%, and I was so proud of him when he made it there and was fine. He was very homesick, and would send me many emails about how much he missed me, how much he couldn't wait to come home, and how amazing it would be when he returned. He even told me he wanted to be with me forever.

He had been overseas for one month, and a few days ago was our anniversary. He had been "dodging" me for about a week, and he missed our computer date for that night. I emailed him saying "happy anniversary" and he never emailed me back. I pulled out my credit card and called his cell phone, and asked him to get on the internet to talk to me for free. I told him I knew something was up, and he immediately admitted that he had gotten extremely drunk at a party and kissed a girl. This girl was also an international student, and she was also in a long term relationship. Evidently, this girl has done this several times recently with different guys. She likes the attention, and gives them attention, and they fall hard. Almost immediately after he tells me of the incident with her, he tells me that a long-distance relationship is too hard for him, and he wants to take a break. He said he just wanted to be free there, which I understand. He told me he didn't want this to happen, he doesn't want to hurt me, and that if I were with him things wouldn't be this way (my "physical presence" affects him). Without saying so, he changed his facebook status to "single." I know this sounds lame, but it's important. After he did that, I had alot of people contacting me asking for an explanation- something he didn't get from being overseas. When I told everyone what happened, they all said the same thing "That is NOT him." This was really so sudden, and so very much out of character. My boyfriend has only ever had 2 beers MAX at home, and for him to be drinking and partying shows something is up. When he got there, he had expressed his disappointment that drinking was so popular there. My boyfriend was a person who needs meaningful social interaction, and I don't think he was finding it at bars and parties. I just don't understand how his feelings for me went from "forever" to "nothing" just like that.

About a year ago, he went off his meds and had a depressive bout like this where he also said he had lost feelings for me. When I confronted him, he said it was his depression, and that he didn't mean it when he said that. Two days after that, he was super boyfriend and everything was amazing again. When I last talked to him, I told him how this reminded me of a year ago, and he admitted that he was depressed, clouded, and confused. He said my physical presence affects him. I told him to take some time, sort his emotions out, and come talk to me when he was ready.

This has been the hardest thing ever. I went from 2 years of talking to him every day to pretty much absolutely nothing. I can tell he has been online, but if I hear from him it is cryptic. Last night he said in a 2 line email: [B]"There is a pretty good chance my feelings for you will return. I just need more time."[/B] I told him he could come back to me, but we would start at square one again- talking about our favorite colors and all. To make matters worse, I have been talking to his mom, and now she is all worried about him too. I think he is acting out to fit in overseas (his roommates are much older and he told me they teased him about his age) and perhaps because of his depression or a bipolar swing. I'm not sure. Again, I just don't understand how he went from 2 years and "forever" to this?

I suffer from trust issues, and I also have depression. He was there for me through so much, and had really helped me with my depression. I feel so bad because I can't be there to hold him when he is so far away. I have been a big mess for the past week. I have barely eaten, I have the worst sleep, and I have had nasty crying fits. I can barely walk around a public place without losing it. I will probably seek counseling this week, but I'm not sure if it will help.

I have been ridiculously upset because of the suddenness, and because I think it is final. Part of me still holds out hope that he will come to his senses, but I'm probably being stupid and setting myself up for a big disappointment. I even told him we could have an open relationship until he comes home, but he said "I'll have to think about it, I don't think I want a relationship while I'm here."

Today I talked to him, and I asked him if he thought of me. He said "sometimes." I asked if he missed me, he said "yes." At one point, he slipped and called me "baby" again. But at the end of it all, he signed off without saying "I love you" and leaving me again with more "I don't know"s and "We'll see what happens"s. I ended up crying again, because I want to hold on so badly but he's talking in circles and confusing me so much.

I just feel like he should know a yes or no, in his gut at least. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too- nothing abroad, but a girlfriend after it's done. I feel like an idiot sitting here upset, hurt, and "huh????" all the time. I honestly have no idea what he's thinking. But I don't want to force him into a decision of any sort, because this may be a part of his bipolar/depression. I just don't know at all.

So what can I do? Do I just wait? Do I assume that its completely over? Honestly, there is no other guy like my boyfriend. He was something special. I used to pinch myself to make sure he was real, he was that good. I honestly could have seen myself with him for a very long time, and I still do, mental complications and all. Is this his depression/bp? How can I ease this awful hurting I'm feeling?

People are telling me I'm crazy for giving him another chance, but I know the real him. The him that he is when he isn't under the spell of his depression/bp. I could be setting myself up for failure, but when you love this deep- you can't give up that easily. At least I can't.

Please, any help and advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you so much for listening.

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