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Vent vent vent
Aug 7, 2007
I feel like a broken record, but guys, i need to vent and i need your support.

my last thread explained how things had been building up, the tension in my relationship with my boyfriend. things finally came to blows when the night before his gig (when i was finally to meet his parents) i sent him a slightly b!tchy text the night before, a response to something i wasnt happy about with him (it was wrong of me, i know). he didnt get back to me. he didnt call me the next day either. late afternnon i sent him a message, telling him i was coming to his gig. i didnt hear from him till right before i got to the gig. i was so upset. if he really wanted me there (overlooking the message i sent him the night before) wouldnt he have called to clear things up, to make sure i got there safely (gig was in the roughest part of london). when i got there, i was quite upset because he had ignored my phonecalls and messages, and i had travelled almmost two hours to get there. i was in a mood. anyway, shortly after he did his performance, i left, without saying hi to his parents and without talking to him much. i called him to say bye on the phone, then i left. he didnt call me back to meet his parents.
the next day, i was very angry and told him it was over. we had a big argument. things were not left on good terms. the next week, i had felt so happy. but things had felt unfinished, i wanted to talk to him to say sorry about the whole thing, the text, not meeting his parents. we ended up chatting, then it hit me hard, i loved him and didnt want to break up. but he told me it was too late. i told him to have time to think about it, he was going away for a week to visit family. we agreed to talk when he got back. i was sure he just needed time, the tension had got too much, thats why he just wanted out. i was sure we could work things out.
when he did get back, he didnt message or call me until a few days later. he explained he was still unsure. i explained to him i was unsure too, and we needed time together, to see how we felt, to discuss what to do according to how we felt- whether that be breaking up or making up. he thought that was a good idea.
after a few weeks (i barley saw him during this time), i decided this was it. he was barely calling me, i barely saw him (this is due to his exams, he is in med school, and he is very stressed. he locks himself away during exam time, i never see him normally anyway). i felt like he was making no effort.
i met up with him to say goodbye. we agreed to leave things on good terms, and maybe one day if we felt ready to be friends we could. we had a good heart to heart, we really opened up, talked about the relationship and why it wasnt working, what could have been done to improve etc etc. we came to the conclusion that i should have given him more time and space, and he should have opened up more, and reassured me more. when i got home that evening, i called him to say goodbye once more, and we both broke down on the phone. he called me back later, and said lets just get back together, we can do this. i said ok, as long as we rectify what the problem was before. we left it at that because it was quite late.
another week flew by. i didnt see him. maybe a max 20min chat each day. the following week, i asked him what we were doing. he asked, what do you mean? i said in response to what you said last week. about getting back together. he told me he didnt remember saying anything like that. i was so heartbroken, after everything. i was devastated. how could he not remember? we argued for a bti. then he said, well yeah why dont we just get back together? i said no.......not just like that. (he said it in a really flippant way. i wasnt happy. anyway, nothing was decided. he kept asking me to talk after his exams (he had one today, the last on thursday). after that conversation, i sent him a message, telling him how i couldnt do this anymore, i cant be left hanging around (almost two months since the gig incident). i told him we wouldnt be talking after his exams, because i wont ever go back. im feeling so heartbroken, so rubbish, so down. he has really messed me around. saying one thing, then saying another. there are more occasions, of him being like this, but i cant type it all out.
one thing i will tell you about is his emotional abuse. he will scream at me on the phone saying "im trying to get rid of you, have i made any effort at all? this is all your fault, what do you expect" then ill go silent on the phone, and say "ok, youve said all i need to hear" then he will say "no, no no im so sorry, im just so stressed and frustrated, i cant handle it, its not fair to take it out on you, i just cant talk for a long time." he has done this a lot and it has hurt me so much.
anyway, thing is, i dont know if he got my message.
on sunday he called me in the evening, and we had a friendly chat. for the last two months, and increasingly ovre time (i dont know if this corresponds with the fact that his exams were approaching), our conversations were limited to a 20min call. on sunday, he said his mum said that i was welcome to stay over at their place any time me and him wish. he said, "see? my parents are trusting and will give you the benefit of doubt despite what happened at the gig." (he has moved back home for the next year) he went on "not like your parents." my parents are a little hesistant when it comes to him because he had hurt me a lot in the past.
because of this comment, i dont know what our situation is.

i love him so much, but i feel as though he has messed me around way too much. im deeply hurt. how can i trust him in the future? how can i rely on him? what about his next set of exams?
i would like to ask him what is happening, what he is thinking but i cant bring this up again. he always gets annoyed because this is a sensitive time for him- his exams. he kept begging me in prior conversations for us to talk after his exams. his last exam is on thursday.
i want him to want me back, to beg me back, i want to feel wanted again.
even if this is it, id like to know. getting over him wont be easy, but i could do it.
a drop dead gorgeous old school friend has recently found me online, and he wants to take me out. im so tempted. this is just what i need. but im hesistant because of my ex. maybe i should go on this date regardless? *sigh* i dont want to miss out on another potential good boyfriend.

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