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[QUOTE=ncyky;3150662]Reading your post kind of sadden me because there are so many girls out there who just don't have any self esteem at all or have very low self esteem.[/quote]I never thought much about my self esteem. I guess it is pretty low, now that I think about it. I've never thought highly of myself, even though people would never think this from the way I usually act. I usually act all optimistic, but I'm usually constantly depressed and usually, it's for no reason. It was worse when I was younger (I always had suicidal thoughts back then), but I've gotten way better and past that.[quote]I understand that your BF is blind and therefore can't tell you how pretty you look, etc...but should your confidence totally depend on him or anyone else for that matters??[/quote]Probably not, although, I wouldn't mind it or have some type of reassurance, I'm thinking.[quote]You have to look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. Okay so you are over weight...have you done anything about your weight? Perhaps dieting or excercising.[/quote]I've been doing that for the majority of my life. The thing that totally sucks about my weight is the fact that I just randomly gained it as a kid and just kept gaining. My parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, since I was active as a child and didn't eat a lot of high-fat foods, because they really didn't. Occasionally, yes, but not all the time. I had my tonsils out (twice) and I had to keep going for ear infections. We just figured out a while ago, that the reason I probably gained the weight, was due to my having an allergic reaction to the anesthetics used for the procedure and that I have a very very very sluggish thyroid and a super slow metabolism. We also couldn't figure out why I held on to my weight either.

I go out and walk every other morning (if time permits it, and if the weather isn't too bad), but I am losing very very slowly. In all, I've lost about 30lbs over the past three years or so, so that's pretty cool. I just wish I could drop this weight faster, or could eat the way I'm supposed to (I usually only have about one or two meals a day due to lack of time and...stomach problems; practically everything I eat, makes it either ache or either makes it upset [TMI, I know ^^;;]).[quote]I have always been pretty thin simply because I'm very tall (5'10)...[/quote]Ironic; I'm 5'10 as well so I've always looked a bit smaller than what I actually weigh, but I've always weighed a lot. Athte age of 7, I was a normal weight. After I got that operation, I put on 50lbs for no reason, and had been gaining steadily since (just not to that extent, thank goodness). Whenever I go to the doctor, and they weigh me, they always set the scale to lower than what I really weigh, so I push it up for them and they look surprised.[quote]In addition to losing weight, perhaps you could pamper yourself along the way...pedicures, manicures, hair styles, make up, new clothes...all of these things could help boost your self esteem. Trust me once you are feeling good about yourself...your self esteem will gradually increase and your insecurities will gradually decrease.[/quote]Maybe I do need that. I'm not really into the the makeup thing (I actually hate the stuff...the tomboy in me is coming out here lol), but nice spa treatment would be very nice. I'd be happy with a nice massage, lounging in a nice therapeutic hot tub....etc. Now if I only had the money. lol[quote]As far as your BF....he sounds like a very nice guy and I would hate to see him get hurt...but you should not stay with him out of pity...which seems to be part of the reason why you are still with him. Don't settle for something you are not 99.9% happy about because you will only end up upset and mad at the world later.[/quote]Well...I wouldn't say that entirely. I've been kind of thinking about that too; all day, actually. As I said, I really do like him. I am attracted to him (it's his intellect that I truly find appealing, as that's a "turn on" for me, ironically...I'm drawn to guys who are quite articulate, smart, intelligent, etc). If I was into the whole "marriage" thing, I would actually consider settling down with him. I find his gestures sweet and everything...I just can't be intimate with him since I can't get that close to him (the problem here, though, is that I'm like this with everyone). I think that maybe I'm scared of the idea of anyone liking me in that manner or something, and I'm just too stubborn and stupid to realize it and don't really know how to handle it.[quote]As far as your sex drive....well I'm thinking that since you are not attractive to your BF plays a major part on your sex drive. Usually when we are not attracted to is hard to be intimate with them.[/quote]I don't know if I'm "attractive" to him or not, but I'm going to assume that he is just by the way he acts. It doesn't take him long to get it up, and even told me of different things he'd like to try and get aroused just thinking about that, when we're in private. ^^; I think you're right, though. It's obviously me here. I guess I do have an incredibly low self esteem problem...I guess I just have to really work on it. I just don't understand what could've caused it. I sense another topic starter coming on...

Oh, and as for my sex drive...I've just never had one in general. Not enough to want to ever have sex period. I've always been this way, and I honestly don't know why. I know my mother was questioning me about this after I randomly mentioned my not really being interested in sex (and here I am dating a guy), and said, "Wendy, that's not normal. You don't feel anything?" I always said, "No, not really." Then she would always ask me if I actually like the guy romantically. I'd tell her that I do...just don't want to have sex since the urge and will just isn't there for me like "normal" people. It's probably hormonal and maybe that I think about it. I've always sex a bit...I dunno...uninteresting? I guess that's the word to use. I just can't imagine myself having sex. I don't have all that much of a desire to have sex. I have other "female problems", which is why I think it's a hormone issue (mostly).[quote]So in need to be honest with your BF and tell him that you really only see him as a friend.[/quote]That's the thing, I don't see him as a friend...I really like him as my bf, but, I don't feel that I can let him get completely close to me, as I can't be completely intimate with him (which is why I feel he'd be better with someone else who can be more open and affectionate), and then I obviously have self-esteem issues, as you pointed out (which didn't come to mind until now), which is also having an effect, I suppose.[quote]Please work on your self esteem and take my advise seriously.[/quote]It would be nice to be happy about myself for a change; I just have to learn how to. I don't think I ever really have been. I've always been a very depressive person; I just hide it pretty well behind a mask, I suppose.[quote]I would love to hear back from you about your self esteem soon. If you need any advice on how to lose the weight...etc..let us know![/quote]Well, as for weight loss, I know what my main problem is...and it's the eating thing. I'm not eating too much, I'm not eating enough, so I guess my body thinks it's starving itself and stores whenever I do have a meal.

This is just one bad habit that I still haven't broken yet. When starting middle school, I'd go all day without eating, and just eat when going home. It got worse in high school. I never had time to eat breakfast, the teachers didn't allow you to leave the classroom to go to the restroom and would only allow you to between classes (never any time for that, just make you late to your next class), so I'd skip lunch, so all I'd have was either a snack or dinner. In a way, it never bothered me too much when younger. I always felt that I deserved the hunger pain...and felt that it'd be better not to eat anyway, since eating causes you to gain weight, but, I knew it was wrong and would just eat when getting home. I hate the fact I still get like that every once in a while, but I talk sense into myself.

Anywho, the main problem here, though, is the fact that the majority of what I eat, makes my stomach upset or either it aches really badly. I can tolerate that when in the home, but I hate to have that feeling when out.

Long restroom breaks don't look good on the job either, so I'd avoid eating at work too, unless it is a snack food, like say....crackers or peanuts, etc. I just need to find a food that won't upset my stomach or won't cause my diabetes to act up and is a bit nutritious. When younger, I went to doctors, had an upper GI, etc., and they couldn't figure out why I have this problem.

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