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Relationship Health Message Board

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No probs hon! The thing is, and I hope I dont offend you in saying this, but as I said I have a broken engagement behind me, and I know if I were to be with a man, (no matter [I]how[/I] much I loved him) who kept on picking over the details of my past and obsessing over who left who and what went wrong and oh God help him because I actually once loved another man enough to agree to spend the rest of my life with him, well, that man would just wear on me pretty damn fast! I'd consider him insecure and needy and just somebody who badly needed to get with the programme and understand that people have pasts and it's what's happening in the here and now that really matters. You'd end up fostering feelings like this is your man if you were to keep on the road you're currently going down, and trust me, that would be relationship poison. Here's a little tip:

I find that making plans with a man operates as a very concrete bonding experience. If you are making plans for a little trip away together, or to share some coming experience or activity, regardless what it is, that actually acts as a copper-fastening device in a relationship, if you know what I mean. When I make suggestions to my bf concerning plans that involve the both of us, even if we're only talking about me checking around for the cheapest vehicle insurance for his new van or something like that, it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling of 'togetherness'; the conversation that we're having makes me feel like we're acknowledging and solidifying the fact that we're a team.

When he responds to suggestions of mine in a way that makes it evident he also expects us to be together in time to come, I get that feeling of security especially strongly, and that is a lovely feeling and definitely worthwhile pursuing. I have a feeling based on what you’ve said that there is possibly a lack, [I]but more likely a [B]perceived[/B] lack[/I], on your part, of that sort of relationship security; so I think the thing for you to do is to actively engineer those sort of conversations. Talk about future events, future plans; not HUGE events or plans, such as marriage or children (you dont want to frighten the life out of him! lol) but I really do think you need to get into this practice; begin by suggesting a trip away together at some future time; ask where he'd like to go, watch his reaction, choose a destination together and coordinate your time off together. This is a habit I think you should get into; this forming of future ideas, goals and plans, and the key word in making these sort of arrangements is TOGETHER! You'll soon experience that warm secure feeling I'm talking about and when you do just continue that practice until that feeling of security and assurance becomes a regular feature of your daily relationship reality, and when it is I dont think you'll be inclined to give a second thought to a discarded ring. (and the key word there is DISCARDED, lol)

I don’t know how long you’re together, but I think about half-time is a decent enough rough guide to go by; in other words – if you’re together six months suggest planning a trip for three months time. As I said, watch his reaction; if he’s happy to plan a trip that’s as far into the future as half the time you’ve already spent together, then obviously he’s comfortably self-assured in believing you’ll be together at that time. That in itself will have a hugely reassuring effect on you personally, and then of course beyond that you’ll both be subliminally confirming to eachother that you intend to stay together, which as I said has a significant bonding effect on you both, as a couple.

It's all about nurturing relationship security and really, this cant fail to work (as long as he dosent look at you like you’re a crazy woman who’s just sprouted a second head, lol, in which case you’ll know you’re better off out of it anyway!:dizzy:) Seriously though, I find this a hugely beneficial practice and I do hope you decide to give it a try; if so please let me know how you get on!

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