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[QUOTE=~Tyger~;3174781]

I cannot make my decision to stay or go at this point. I simply don't know what is the right step, or if there is a right one. Perhaps he is the best kind of man I can get... bar one that is obsessed with me, but that I do not love. And yes, I'll keep looking, but then the next one will have some flaw too... and should I then throw him out and keep looking again? When does the 'looking for what I deserve' turn into being too demanding, and all alone in life? At what point to we accept that thats just the way men are?[/QUOTE]

Well, if you would like to elaborate on just how you feel he neglects you or is passive about your relatonship, then we'd be glad to listen and lend an impartial ear. But I don't think it's ever a good idea to settle for someone that you feel is much less than you wanted in a relationship.

I've found that's a really fine line to walk, when are you standing up for what you deserve, and when are you being too demanding? That's a hard one for a lot of women, I think. My ex said I was pretty demanding, although I really tried to be the cool girlfriend and not get upset, so I still struggle with who was right, him or me. I' like another relationship to try again and to see where I can improve and where I can be secure and strong without surrender or being too demanding. But I think as long as you truly have respect for the person you're with, and you always treat him with respect for his person, his time, his space and his needs, then I think you should be in a pretty safe place to feel free to expect your needs to be met as well without being too demanding.

But I think going into a relationship with the attitude of "well, this is the best I'll ever find, so..." is kind of setting yourself up for failure. Sure, every guy is going to have flaws, no one is perfect, or will be a perfect fit, there will always be compromise and adjustments to be made, but I think when it's right, and when you're ready, you'll be able to make those compromises and still feel cared for and loved.

As far as whether monogamy is natural for humans and should you even expect it from a man, well, I think it's natural for some people, not for others. I've only loved one man in my whole life, and despite my very best efforts and my true, genuine desire to love someone else, never found it. I've never had sex, but sexual contact with only two men, this one I loved, and one I tried it with in an attempt to forget the first one, and I cried in themidle of it because he wasn't the one I loved. So I'd say monogamy comes very naturally to me. It's possible.

But as far as this new guy, I say stick with it as long as you are comfortable and feel the good parts of being with him are outweighing the bad parts and you feel confident and secure and cared for.
So.. the man I am seeing now. I'll try to elaborate a bit. Beware, its a little confusing, and those with more conventional ideas would tell me to cut and run straight up... perhaps. Although [B]Layla,[/B] from what you say, and from some of the things [B]LLM'[/B]s said, perhaps I'm generalizing about that.

I say 'seeing', and not 'going out with', because by no means are we in a conventional, serious relationship, although we have been seeing eachother for almost a full year now. This is my main concern, and perhaps it shouldn't be, and I should be enjoying my time with him instead of always 'wanting more'. Or perhaps, I should just demand what I want.

He is a bit of an enigma, this man. He's 30 years old - 7 years older than me. He has an incredible energy and charisma about him, but he is introverted for the most part, the strong and silent type. He is incredibly intelligent, yet he does not apply this intellectually.. instead he is very thoughtful and spiritual, a real theorist. He is the one that all his friends (and strangers) will ask for advice. He is extremely guarded, and will not talk about his feelings, although I can tell he has a lot of them. He has always been in relationships for most of his adult life, long-term ones, yet never considered marriage as far as I know. He has usually been the one to up and leave, except for his last relationship, which ended when we got together. And this is the main reason why he doesn't want a relationship now. He mourned her deeply, and probably still is. And whether he is scared, or phobic, or lazy, or just not really wanting me in that way... I can't tell. He is one of those men that everyone thinks 'knows what he's doing', and 'is always correct', due to his deep wisdom. I believe this too... and that makes it even harder. Because I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life.

I loved my ex, but it was a different love. I have never been with anyone as intelligent and that challenges me and teaches me like this current man does. I put him up on a pedestal, which makes me bitter and resentful sometimes, because it makes me feel like I don't measure up. So I try to think of his bad points, but his good ones overcome them tenfold. He's the man I want as my partner - he's the kind of guy you just don't want to let get away... but its never going to be your choice.

As for a 'relationship', he says that I am beautifully suited to him, and that he cares for me, but he is simply not wanting a relationship right now, and he cannot predict when he 'will' (fair enough), and so can't make me any promises (hmm...). That would be easy, but the fact is, we're not exclusive either. He hasn't been with someone as yet, but thats beside the point. What if he does? He would tell me, and then end it. He'd be pretty straight about that. But that doesn't make the prospect hurt any less. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for that inevitable, heart-wrenching event. Yet.. his affection doesn't lie, and he's told me that too. He is extremely affectionate with me, even when we are not sleeping together. He tells me constantly that I'm an incredible person, and how attracted he is to me, both physically and on 'that more intangible level'.

Well, thats the best I can explain it... my biggest concern is that I'm waiting around for something that will never eventuate - him wanting to be in a relationship with me. My girlfriends have told me 'not to wait', but I'm not about to go out and date a million others - I simply don't find love in that manner. I have to know them a while before I develop any kind of feelings, unfortunately. And there are definitely no potentials out there. Not by far.

Some of the things I don't like, is how he makes me feel like I don't measure up. This is not completely his doing. Its my ego, too. His last girlfriend, that he loved more than anything in the world - she was a doctor. Out there, saving lives. They didn't work, because their personalities were incompatible, and she was too logical and cold-cut for him. He says thats why he loves spending time with me, now. But I can't help feel like I'm just 'not as good', and he's looking for another HER, ultimately. I know, I'm paranoid. Also, its partly roommates (and our mutual friend's) fault too, as he is brash and vulgar and has zero respect for women, and when they talk about girls, I feel a bit offended and defensive. This friend cheats alot, and has never had a serious relationship. Not that that has bearing on my man, but I've known many men like this, and I worry that they all have that tendency - non-monogomous, deceitful, manipulating. Game-playing. I am not sensitive or conservative by any stretch of the imagination - maybe that is why they joke like that in front of me. But women should just not be treated dispensably and joked about like we're meat. What do they say about [I]me[/I] when I'm not there? Is this all just a petty game, till I get left?

You can tell this hasn't done good things for my self-esteem. Its made me feel like men just don't want to be in a relationship with me, but they'll sleep with me, thats fine. I'm just 'not the relationship type', to them. I've heard this before. Regardless that what i want most, is a relationship. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me, and what I'm doing wrong... or if guys just want to take and not give, and would just as much prefer to NOT have just one exclusive relationship.

Yes, there are men that have pursued me, and asked me out. This does not turn me off. This is sweet of them. But the ones who have wanted to, I'm just not attracted to them in the slightest, zero chemistry, no spark, not even much in common a lot of the time. Its all just bad luck, bad timing, and ends in someone getting hurt. I hate it.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~;3177177]

Some of the things I don't like, is how he makes me feel like I don't measure up. This is not completely his doing. Its my ego, too. His last girlfriend, that he loved more than anything in the world - she was a doctor. Out there, saving lives. They didn't work, because their personalities were incompatible, and she was too logical and cold-cut for him. He says thats why he loves spending time with me, now. But I can't help feel like I'm just 'not as good', and he's looking for another HER, ultimately. I know, I'm paranoid. .[/QUOTE]

Well, yes, I'd say maybe that's something you can work on. I mean, why would he be looking for another HER if she was too logical and cold-cut for him?

[QUOTE=~Tyger~;3177177]
Also, its partly roommates (and our mutual friend's) fault too, as he is brash and vulgar and has zero respect for women, and when they talk about girls, I feel a bit offended and defensive. This friend cheats alot, and has never had a serious relationship. Not that that has bearing on my man, but I've known many men like this, and I worry that they all have that tendency - non-monogomous, deceitful, manipulating. Game-playing. I am not sensitive or conservative by any stretch of the imagination - maybe that is why they joke like that in front of me. But women should just not be treated dispensably and joked about like we're meat. What do they say about [I]me[/I] when I'm not there? Is this all just a petty game, till I get left?.[/QUOTE]

This would concern me more. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my relationship was that I didn't judge him by the company he was keeping. I was stupid and naive that he was hanging around these using, chauvanistic crumb bums because he had no choice and he was the one good one in the bunch. Your guy wouldn't be joking and talking with his roommate about women like that if he didn't feel the same way on some leve. Like, what kind of things do they say? If you are offended, I would definitely say something, or at least ask him to clarify and if he really truly feels that way about women, and is that how he sees you.

[QUOTE=~Tyger~;3177177]You can tell this hasn't done good things for my self-esteem. Its made me feel like men just don't want to be in a relationship with me, but they'll sleep with me, thats fine. I'm just 'not the relationship type', to them. I've heard this before. Regardless that what i want most, is a relationship. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me, and what I'm doing wrong... or if guys just want to take and not give, and would just as much prefer to NOT have just one exclusive relationship.

Yes, there are men that have pursued me, and asked me out. This does not turn me off. This is sweet of them. But the ones who have wanted to, I'm just not attracted to them in the slightest, zero chemistry, no spark, not even much in common a lot of the time. Its all just bad luck, bad timing, and ends in someone getting hurt. I hate it.[/QUOTE]

Well, I think one thing you can do is stop sleeping with guys until they prove to you that they think you ARE relationship material. I imagine it doesn't do your self esteem any good to put all that physical and emotional energy into someone and then after they get what they want, THEN they tell you "sorry, you're not relationship material." that sucks. That's definitely something I would want to find out before I let them see me naked.

Its' hard anytime someone likes you more than you like them or vise versa, but hey, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, that's ok. It just takes some time. I wish I could say it WILL happen, but unfortunately, I'm walking, talking, living breathing proof that it doesn't always happen, no matter what you do or how hard you try. We just have to keep hope alive that it will all turn out the wy it's supposed to and that will be good enough.





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