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Help - In Pain :(
Aug 26, 2007
Here is the deal -- I ended an affair today (one month long). It's more then just the affair though -- it's why I did it in the first place, and how not to do it again. I was powerless. I had no thought for anybody else except what I wanted. I did not think about the consequences (to me or others) because they could be dealt with tomorrow, always tomorrow.

My childhood in a nutshell - love equals abandonment and pain. My adult life - depression, alcohol and drug abuse and then sober for 7 years (but still suffer from clinical depression).

Have had 5 relationships in sobriety. I ended each one because I became depressed and unhappy. Last one was 1-1/2 years long, consequently, about the time I started slipping into a major depression. We stopped being physically intimate about 1 1-2 years ago, but are still emotionally very very close and best friends (his name is Bill for ease of reference).

Started coming out of depression (changed medication) in April. Started feeling lots lots better although I was still happy being by myself (I don't want a man, I don't need a man, I don't think I will every feel sexual again). Knew I had to break away from Bill to do any growing, I was too dependent on him and he still harbored thoughts of us getting back together. About 2 months ago started feeling sexual.

To cut to the chase I went out with a friend of a co-worker and started the affair. I thought that was what I wanted, a little fling where I can have some fun and then go on my merry way. Talk about denial. I saw him for 4 weeks and we both knew it would have to end sooner or later. I picked sooner because I was miserable. It was very exciting, living on the edge, with constant anxiety, never knowing what was going to come next. And then the misery started. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I wanted to be with him all the time, I would wait for him to call, etc. etc. etc.

[B]I realized I wanted him to love me, like I wanted my Dad to love me, like I wanted my Mom to love me. [/B]He can't, they can't. I am 43 years old and still carrying this stuff around. I have been to therapy/counseling on and off for the past 20 years. I feel hopeless. How do you change this stuff?

Now that I have begun to feel again, I don't want to shut down, but I can't handle this pain. I did call my shrink today though and will see her next week.

I miss this guy lots - I have been crying all day, it's part missing him, missing being with somebody and part maybe there is something wrong with me that I cant' fix or change. Please any kind words would be appreciated.

Treelover.





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