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So this is a long story, thanks for taking the time to read it! And I would appreciate all of your advice SO much, especially because a lot of you are older than me (I'm only 21) and have more experience than me and everything... :)
So anyways, onto my dilemma. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years (it'll be 4 years September 10th actually). We started dating in high school and I had had a crush on him since like... 7th grade or something. He was/is my first boyfriend, pretty much my first and only everything. We've had a really great relationship so far; I mean, we fight sometimes of course but it's been a really healthy relationship and I couldn't be happier with the guy I chose.
BUT... well, I say that I couldn't be happier, but I should say I shouldn't be happier? If that makes sense? ha... Because sometimes I think that I don't love him anymore... I think that I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I studied abroad in Chile this past February for 5 months and before I left I had had these feelings for maybe a month or two, but decided not to say anything and go to Chile and hope when I came back in July it would be really obvious what I wanted. I was hoping it would either be wow, I love this guy, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, OR it would be no, my feelings have completely changed...
Okay, so, I came back, and towards the end of my time in Chile I was pretty sure I wasn't in love anymore (maybe because we had been apart for a few months?) and I was going to see how it was when I came back, but I was pretty sure I was going to break up with him. However, when I came back and gave it some time it really didn't solve anything... I really think it just depends on the moment how I'm feeling about him. Some moments I am like I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I think how could I ever think I wanted to break up with you? but then other times I feel like when we're kissing or hugging or fooling around or whatever that I'm forcing myself because my heart's not in it anymore. UGH I'm so confused! I at least know that for sure, that I'm super confused.. but I have no idea what to do about it.
I haven't talked to him about this at all, only because I know that he is reaaallly in love with me and would take it SO hard if he even knew I felt like this. It would most likely ruin our relationship completely, so I really have to be sure I want to risk it before I mention it... that said, I feel really guilty that I'm not being honest with him; I would want him to be honest with me.
I will also admit that I have a few of those what-if-no-one-ever-loves-me-again feelings, but I know that that's not an excuse to stay with someone you don't love. Also, sometimes I think that our life goals are just too different to be together... I'm almost done college and I have wanted to join the Peace Corps for like 5 years; I want to SO badly. It's the next step in my life, I'm sure of it, and I know that I will really regret it if I don't go. I've brought up this subject a few times and my boyfriend always gets really depressed about it when he thinks about me leaving him (Peace Corps is 27 months). I've half-jokingly asked him to come with me but he's turned that down completely. And I know that's a lot to ask of him too, believe me. I just.. I don't know! The Peace Corps is what I want right now, for my career and just because I want to see the world, since I'm young still... I think I would be completely (or almost completely) happy if he would go with me, but I know that's not possible or fair. I just know that if I choose him over that it could be a huge regret, but I don't want to risk losing him either and regretting that too. I mean, I can see myself with him for the rest of my life.. I just sometimes feel like I'm settling. And we're so young, I don't want to settle down and start working and have a family yet; I'm just not ready for it. I want that eventually, just not now. There's so many things I want to do first.
So yeah... that was a lot! I just don't know what to do; I'm so confused. One day I love him and the next day it's like I have no feelings at all for him. Could it just be because we have been together so long and things have gotten boring and we need to spice our relationship up? Or do you think I should really think about breaking up with him? So confused...Please help!





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