It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Ok, I haven't posted here in forever, but I'm really getting tired of meeting all of these "wimpy" acting guys. A lady who knows my family introduced me to a guy 2 years ago. We went on one date and talked on the phone several times, but never went out again. Fast forward to the present......I received an email from the same lady a few weeks ago (hadn't heard from her since the last time) stating that she had someone else she wanted me to meet if I was still single/not in a serious relationship. I emailed back and told her ok, so she gave the new guy my number. He called and we went out to dinner. He asked if he could call me again---said he had a really nice time, called and texted me the next day, blah blah blah. He acted all into me in the beginning. Then I found out he was good friends with the guy she set me up with 2 years ago (who is married now). Kinda weird. Then all of a sudden he starts acting not as interested---stopped calling as often, sending random text messages instead. Then he calls and asks me to go to a concert with him and the other guy and his wife. I told him that it sounded fun, but I might be going out of town that weekend. He then said he would call me in the next day or so to see if I could make it. He never called. I then heard from him the day of the concert after I sent a text message saying that I hoped his dad was doing better (he had been sick). He replied back to the text, then called me to see what I had going on. I told him that I didn't go out of town and he invited me to the concert again, but said that the other guys wife wasn't going and it was just going to be all guys. I told him that I would probably do something with my friends instead---it was kinda a long story, blah blah. Then 2 of my cousins and their wives (whom I am friends with) called and invited me to the same concert with them and some friends. I decided to go with them, and I called back the set up guy to let him know. He was excited and we said that we would see each other there. He ended up following me around like a puppy dog almost the whole concert. He is a quiet guy who doesn't really talk very much---he also said he doesn't really like crowds. Anyway, at the end of the concert (which was this past saturday) he gave me a hug and told me that he was really glad I came. Then as I was walking away he said he would "call me". Well--didn't hear from him again until he sent a "text message" on wednesday which stated "hey! what have you been up to?". I know we are not in a relationship or anything, but this really annoyed me. When someone says that they are going to "call" I want an actual phone call---not a text message. I am starting to think he is just not that into me---or he is taking the "wimpy" safe way out by sending a text. What do you think?
Wow, this guy is really hard to read. Based on just what you've told us, don't really know if I can tell you whether he's into you or not. It does strike me odd that he didnt' call you back about the concert the next day when he said he would. To me, I really think if a man is truly interested in you, he does what he says he's going to do when he says he's going to do it. That's always a big turn off to me, when a man breaks his word, no matter how smal it may seem. If you say you're going to call tomorrow, then dang it, call tomorrow!!!! That kind of hot and cold is-he-or-isn't-he BS really drives me nuts too, and it will make me turn off pretty quickly.

I don't know if I even really buy the shy excuse. Seems to me even really shy guys can get a woman if he really wants her. If you're really really interested in him, I suppose you could chase him a bit, see if he responds, if you're hoping for someone who will pursue you and sweep you off your feet, I dont think he's your man. Sounds like you will have to do the sweeping, if you feel he's worth it. Be advised, though, a friend of mine set me up with a guy she said was just really shy. He took 6 months to decide he was interested and called her and asked for my number. He never used it. A month after than, she told me he had just gotten married to his ex wife, for the third time. :rolleyes: I tend to believe that when a man really wants you and feels good about being with you, nothing, not even shyness, will keep him away from you.
I've been thinking along the same lines larrylou! To tell you the truth, I really wasn't that impressed with him when we first met, but he did seem like a somewhat nice guy--so I was interested in getting to know him better. He even told the set-up lady that I was really easy to talk to, pretty, smart, and that if that was what a "blind" date was like (he had never been on one before) then he would do it again. Then all of a sudden (before we even had a chance to do anything again) he flipped the switch and started acting more distant. I'm thinking that the other guy that I met 2 years ago might have something to do with this. I never mentioned that I had met his buddy, the other guy, but at the concert he mentioned him and said "you know him don't you?" and I said yes. That was all that was said about it, but I knew that they must have talked about me for him to have known that we had met. Anyway, the whole thing is confusing and a little aggrivating. I am definitely not going to pursue him any more than I already have. If he calls, I will be nice and talk to him, but who knows if he actually will or not. I'm certainly not holding my breath. I replied back to the text he sent on wednesday and said "just got back from vegas :)!"---which was of course a lie. I thought he would obviously realize this and get the hint that I do not want to bother with typing out long text message paragraphs about what I had been up to--and that he should have called if he really wanted to know. He replied back "what? did you have a good time?". I replied "always!". Then he sent back "must be nice :)" and I replied "it is :)". That is the last I have heard from him--hehe. I just wish I could meet a manly guy who just lets you know what they really think.
[QUOTE=glamourgal;3190426]Now I am starting to feel like I was way too mean when I responded to the text message by saying "just got back from vegas" and all of that. He really did seem like a nice guy, and I should have not been such a smart a _ _ by responding that way. I really am a nice person, and I get a really guilty conscience when I feel like I have been mean or done something wrong. Mainly I just want someone to actually like me enough to pursue me, and act interested enough in me so I will know that they really do like me. Is that too much to ask?[/QUOTE]

It shouldn't be too much to ask, but it seems like it is. I would love that too, a man who actually gives a darn, who is interested enough to actually pursue me and make his intensions clear instead of having to do all this guessing and game playing "does he like me, is he shy or just not that into me, should I call or wait for him to call what if he's waiting for me to show him I like him before he makes a move, what if he isn't and I make a move and make a fool of myself, what if he's trying to avoid me" blah blah blah. What heaven it would be to have a guy actually like you and want to be with you and call you when he says he will and show up when he says he's going to and who actually wants to call you, see you and spend time with you. The more years that go by that I spend alone the more it makes me believe it's just not meant for everyone. It's a precious blessing that God only gives to some. I don't think everyone is supposed to find or have love in their life.
[QUOTE]It shouldn't be too much to ask, but it seems like it is. I would love that too, a man who actually gives a darn, who is interested enough to actually pursue me and make his intensions clear instead of having to do all this guessing and game playing "does he like me, is he shy or just not that into me, should I call or wait for him to call what if he's waiting for me to show him I like him before he makes a move, what if he isn't and I make a move and make a fool of myself, what if he's trying to avoid me" blah blah blah. What heaven it would be to have a guy actually like you and want to be with you and call you when he says he will and show up when he says he's going to and who actually wants to call you, see you and spend time with you. The more years that go by that I spend alone the more it makes me believe it's just not meant for everyone. It's a precious blessing that God only gives to some. I don't think everyone is supposed to find or have love in their life.
[/QUOTE]


Glamourgal, I quoted this because you agreed with it.

I read all of your posts here -- twice, as a matter fact. I really don't mean for this to come off as offensive, but here's what I'm gathering:

You're playing the same game as these guys. This guy wanted to take you to a concert. You didn't commit. You threw in there that you might be going out of town. Imagine the shoe being on the other foot for a second. Wouldn't you think he's just not that into you because he's always creating an "out" for himself?

How proactive were you in letting him know how much you were interested? Have you called him to let him know how much you enjoyed his company and would like to set up a date to meet again?

You said yourself you weren't real sure about this guy from the get-go. Don't you think it's a little possible he picked up on that and is a little apprehensive about calling you? Maybe he thinks by texting you, he can get a little bit better "feel" for how to proceed.

Then you lie to him? I know you said you felt bad about that.

It just sort of seems to me that at least this guy was doomed from the start. He's the one having to play your game and do the guessing.

I don't like texting, either. I think it's destroying the beauty of the English language, as well as common courtesy and manners. I make no secret about letting people know if they wish to communicate with me, call me. I will not respond to texting. When this guy said he'd call and he texted you instead, what was your response? Did you nicely tell him you'd prefer a phone call? Did you take the initiative yourself and call him when you saw the text? Did you use that as an opportunity to let him know that you'd been thinking of him after your last date and would much prefer to hear his voice?

Maybe he feels he'd be bothering you with a phone call, especially with all your Vegas trips and busy travel schedule.

I'm just trying to offer some thought-provoking stimulus here. Women are just as guilty of playing this game and being "wimpy" as the guys. Tell the guy what you want, what you expect, what will turn you on and what will turn you off. This can be done nicely and ladylike. And don't waste their time with lying and games.
Larrylou'smom, I agree that women chasing men is a bad idea. I think I was one of the first opponents to that lady who was going to propose to her BF a few months ago.

Yes, men are the gatherers and the hunters. But the women need to let the guy know, "Hey, I'm cool with you gathering and hunting for me," no?

Not, "Maybe I'd like for you to hunt and gather for me, if I'm town," not follow up on that, then lie to the guy because he's *probably* confused based on the totally strange signals he's being given.

I definitely do not agree with chasing a man, but if a woman wants a man to pursue her, she needs to let him know she likes him. There are fine lines between being coy, playing hard to get and just playing a game.

And when Glamourgal received a text instead of a phone call, there is a perfect opportunity for her to call him. First, he's initiated the contact and she's merely responding. He's waiting for a text back from her, instead he gets to hear her voice. That's the point that she can nicely tell him she much prefers a phone call to a text, if possible, and thank him for a lovely evening (stroke, stroke, stroke), and talk about how she's looking forward to seeing him again (stroke, stroke, stroke), in other words, "I'm interested in you hunting and gathering for me."

I totally believe in letting the man be the man. But I generally assume the man's not a psychic, not a mind-reader.

Which do you think would make a man feel more masculine:

"You know, I hate text messages. They're so impersonal. I thought you said you'd call."

or

"You know, your voice is amazing. I hope you don't mind us communicating this way instead of via text."

See, I'm wondering if Glamour said anything like this. My questions there weren't rhetorical. If she didn't -- guys, as well as us, often need specificity -- coupled with the fact that she was wishy-washy about a concert (their would-be second date, I believe), ended up going but with another group (ouch), lied about being in Vegas (another ouch) and then wonders why the guy's not pursuing her?
[QUOTE=StenoLady1;3193461]LOL, Larrylou'smom. Really, LOL. I bit my lip quite bad on my gum reading your post.

Well, it's not just men that I believe stroking the ego works. I've just gotten further in life (professional, personal, romantic) with the "you get more bees with honey" approach. Plus, it's good for my stomach to focus on the positive more than the negative. Not to mention karma ;)

To me, I see my example as welcoming the opportunity to pay a compliment, make the guy feel like a guy, throw a flirt in there, opening the dialogue to OP's feelings on texting vs. calling, but hopefully not having to chase.

Okay, if he doesn't have an amazing voice, I'm sure there would be something that the hypothetical "you" would be attracted to. Use it to let the guy know you're interested.

Always a pleasure trading posts with you :)[/QUOTE]

Wow. See, that just really makes me feel so hopeless! Well, as if I could feel more hopeless than I did before. But like I said, I'm just an honest person. I do compliment someone on something I truly do admire or find attractive or whatever, but I'm not a kiss-*****, I just can't be. I'm nice, I'm warm, but apparently, a woman has to be a kiss-***** in order to land a man. I guess that leaves me out. I just dont' know how to be anything but honest, and I would really need a man who respects and appreciates honesty, a man who loves me for all that I am, and not just because I know how to cater to his ego, a man who respects the fact that we are a team and our kids, our home, and our life together is a priorty, and for example, if the garage door is looking really shabby and he's promised to paint it, and three weeks go by and he still hasnt' done, a womans' mag I read suggested slyly saying sweetly "Honey, looks like the weather will be nice this weekend, looks like you'll be able to paint garage door like you've been wanting to" to make him feel like it was your idea. I just don't know what's wrong with saying "Honey, you promised to paint the garage door three weeks ago, you gonna get around to that soon?" I mean, no it's not as sweet and light, but c'mon!! It's his house too, it's the headquarters for family and where his kids are spending their childhood too, shouldn't he care about it as much as I do? Actually, I really want and need a man who says "gee, that garage door is looking pretty shabby. I'm gonna get out there and paint it." and next weekend, that's exactly what he does. But I guess that's just too much to hope for. Sheesh, no wonder I'm single. The man I'm looking for just doesnt' exist.
Thanks girls for your support! I am feeling really down tonight. Mainly so alone. I think that is why I get so upset over these types of situations. I know that I don't want a guy who acts this way, but there is a part of me that still holds out hope that they will call and be interested. I am tired of feeling so alone and not having a guy in my life---the kind that will really like me for me, and love to be around and spend time with me. I wonder if it will ever happen---at times like this it just doesn't seem possible. Every day starts to feel like the same. I know I am very blessed---I have a great family and wonderful friends. I even have a group of single girlfriends, and we meet one night a week for a little book group. I feel like I have a happy life---all except for someone to share it with. I just hate feeling so alone. I almost called up an ex boyfriend who recently contacted me and I didn't respond. I didn't because I know he's bad news and not right for me, but it sure is tempting when you are feeling lonely. Then I start to wonder why this set-up guy didn't stay very interested in me......and I'm back to square one. It's an endless cycle that I am sick of!
[QUOTE=janetJ;3196950]So what about all the times women have been taught to be "unavailable" to look interesting; to have a life outside of guys. This is all I see in Glamourgal's approach.
When a woman tells a guy what she wants/expects, or is there every time he calls, she becomes boring, too agressive, intimidating, etc. I know because I believe in the straight-forward approach, because that's just who I am, but time and time again it has let me down.[/QUOTE]i still don't get why people keep saying that..it really isn't true. so basically you're saying that you'll say that you're busy when the guy asks you out when in actuality you'll be home alone that night?? you could have used that night to get to know the person a bit more. so at what point will you stop doing this?? when you realize that he's asked someone else out that actually isn't playing this game??

nothing is more annoying than knowing a woman you're interested in is not available. how is someone to know if you're interested if you're claiming to not be available?? being "unavailable" to me means that you're letting me know you're not interested and don't know how else to go about letting me know.

being boring is not having anything to say or not having any interests or passions in life....doesn't have anything to do with availability.
[QUOTE=Lance0204;3198036]i have no problems pursuing. matter of fact, the situation you described above has been happening to me all yr pretty much with this one girl. in that situation, i'm not expecting her to cancel her plans. what i'd like to hear is "i made plans already for this week..BUT..i'm available next weekend or X day in the future or whatever". why should i keep calling and calling and calling hoping to catch her BEFORE she makes plans or does anything else. i have a life too. i'd rather know for sure when she can do something so i can get on with my life and plan for that day and if something comes up and she has to cancel, just say, "sorry i have to cancel but X day we can do something". if you don't do this, why am i not to think you're blowing me off??[/QUOTE]

Well, I agree totally. If you're calling in plenty of time to book plans, and if you even say let's do something next weekend I'll call you to confirm and you call by Tuesday or Wed. then if she's interested, you should be getting a yes, or oh gosh, sorry I can't this weekend BUT Monday I'm free or whatever. Like I say, a girl does have to show the guy his efforts and advances are appreciated, but he has to make some. Yoou have every right to think this girl is blowing you off.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:36 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!