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[QUOTE]To be totally honest with you Gypsy, based on the content of a lot of posts of yours which I've read, I think you have a mentality which cannot possibly be conducive to honest and healthy relationships as it seems to be utterly devoid of an appreciation for the necessity of honesty and trust, which are the cornerstones of healthy relationships.[/QUOTE]

Oh without a doubt honesty and trust are very important aspects of relationships. Of course. It is true that I am currently in a relationship yet carrying on an affair. It's not like I WANT to cheat on a partner. I have tried to extricate myself from the relationship. But it turns out my boyfriend is a little bit of a psycho. He's threatened that if I leave him then he will come after me and whoever I leave him for. I don't doubt that he will turn very nasty. He's obsessive. So I'm just trying to delay the inevitable I guess. It's not like I encourage shiftiness.

[QUOTE]Why would you do that? Why not just be honest from the off and tell him you were into porn and didn't intend to stop looking at it? Do you not realise the damage you do to your own union when you strip it of trust in this way?[/QUOTE]

Yes, it would have been best for your boyfriend to tell you from the start that he did not plan to stop looking at porn. But I'm sure he didn't want to lose you over something that is, to him, trivial. That is the big difference here. You view porn as a very big deal and he doesn't. You consider it a personal attack and he doesn't...so he has NO CLUE how it can offend you so.

I don't encourage partners to lie to each other. I just consider the viewing of porn as something private, something personal, something that has [I]nothing to do [/I]with one's signifigant other. I don't think it is in the same league as having an affair.

What is wrong, to [I]me[/I], is a person trying to tell their SO what they can and cannot do. Coming into a relationship I don't think either person should alter themselves or stop enjoying what they've always enjoyed before the relationship. I don't think they should change at all, or be expected to change.

I'm just trying to say that...I don't think your boyfriend meant to cause you so much pain. It wasn't a big deal to him. He seems to have the same prickliness that I do when it comes to fearing someone is trying to control them. But considering all that you have been through, this just may be the end of the road :(
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926] It is true that I am currently in a relationship yet carrying on an affair. It's not like I WANT to cheat on a partner. [/QUOTE]

Hmmm, I know this thread is about my issues and not yours, and I'm not trying to be rude here, but I cant restrain my compulsion to offer what to me is very obvious advice: If you find yourself doing something you don't want to do a good course of action is to stop doing it!

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]Yes, it would have been best for your boyfriend to tell you from the start that he did not plan to stop looking at porn. [/QUOTE]

That's all I was asking for Gypsy.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]You consider it a personal attack and he doesn't.. [/QUOTE]

I don't consider it a personal attack, I consider it a personal insult, both to me and to our relationship.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]..so he has NO CLUE how it can offend you so. [/QUOTE]

You're absolutely mistaken there Gypsy; this man is more than FULLY WELL AWARE how I feel about this. Some of the ladies who responded on this thread were able to comment in their opening lines that they were sorry to hear of this happenstance in my life because they are aware how opposed to porn I am, and these are ladies I've never even come eyeball to eyeball with, so you can be sure my live-in bf of five years is not in the dark as to my feelings on this issue!

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]I don't think it is in the same league as having an affair. [/QUOTE]

Nor do I; but that doesn't mean I’m going to pretend to be happy about it.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]What is wrong, to [I]me[/I], is a person trying to tell their SO what they can and cannot do. Coming into a relationship I don't think either person should alter themselves or stop enjoying what they've always enjoyed before the relationship. I don't think they should change at all, or be expected to change. [/QUOTE]

Well then surely, by that same reasoning, you'd agree that I should not be expected to change what I don’t enjoy?

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]I'm just trying to say that...I don't think your boyfriend meant to cause you so much pain. [/QUOTE]

No, you’re right there, I know that he didn’t; doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]It wasn't a big deal to him. He seems to have the same prickliness that I do when it comes to fearing someone is trying to control them. [/QUOTE]

Well then all he had to do was say he “wasn’t willing to be controlled/dictated to/manipulated” or some such BS words to that effect – that’d have been fine by me, we’d have had our parting of the ways five years ago and I wouldn’t be in this position - of his making - today.

I guess there's no point in going round in circles; I get what you're trying to say, I just don’t agree with it at all Gypsy. A person, imo, just has no right to do what he's done here.





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