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[QUOTE=Laylah;3193359]I know lots of women have no problem with this, I know some women who even enjoy this kind of thing themselves; that's their business and I'm not putting them down for it, but there is [I]NO PLACE[/I] for porn in my life or my relationship and my bf of five years [I][B]knows this[/B][/I].[/QUOTE]

Well Laylah, you know that I am one of those women who don't have a problem with porn. I would, however, have a HUGE problem if my husband were carrying around these pictures in his phone! Add in the fact that your long-term boyfriend knows exactly how you feel about this and deliberately put it somewhere where you could (and most likely would) find it is a problem.

[QUOTE=Laylah]He doesn't see this as a porn issue; he's sees it as a [I][B]control issue[/B][/I] - apparently I "have no right to be dictating" to him what he has on his phone!:dizzy: So, in other words, I can be as hurt as disgusted as I like; it is none of my businesses since it isn't my phone!!!!!:dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy:[/QUOTE]

Well, he is right that it is his phone and he has a right to put on it what he wants. But you also have a right to either take or leave the situation. The fact that he said this to you and had it in such a place leads me to believe he wanted you to find it and wanted you to be upset. It's like he is trying to start an argument with you. Of course, I could be wrong, but that is the impression that I get.

[QUOTE=Laylah]I dont even know what kind of advice I'm asking for because his attitude is turning my stomach and in the presence of that attitude [I]I dont [B]see[/B] a way[/I] to fix this.:mad: :([/QUOTE]

I don't even know what advice to give so I guess it's a good thing that you don't know what kind of advice you are asking for. I would think that after 5 years of being with someone this issue would have come up long ago and have been resolved. I get this nagging feeling that he is using it to push you away. I'm sorry, I hope I'm wrong, really I do, but something about it just seems so contrived (if that's the right word).

I guess you really have to think about things. This isn't the first time he has put your relationship in jeopardy. It seems his selfish needs (again, sorry) take priority over your feelings. I think this would be the last straw for me if I were in your shoes.

Now that I have probably completely insulted you I will stop typing. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to give you my outside perspective based on this and all of the other threads you have made about your relationship.

EDIT: Yes, I agree with the above quote. He is messing with you by calling it a "control issue".
I don't understand why there is supposedly something wrong and disgusting about the idea that men like to look at attractive naked women. As a female I personally love looking at pictures of men I find hot.

[QUOTE]Its not about you or anything making you inadequate or less of a woman. Men like variety and even if he was dating the hottest woman on earth, he would still be looking at other women.[/QUOTE]

Madison makes a really good point. It's about variety.

I personally have no desire to visit a male strip club, but that's only because male strippers don't have the body type that I like - they're generally way too buff and muscular. It doesn't do anything for me. But if the kinds of guys I did find attractive worked in strip clubs...well. If for instance, my favorite actors and musicians and athletes visited my neighborhood strip joint and I had the opprotunity to see them practically naked in the flesh and have them rub their bodies all over me and get to rub their arms and chests...oh, I'd pay good money for that, I sure would. I'd never get a shot at those guys in real life, but if I had to opprotunity to see them and touch them...::shiver:: What a happy girl I'd be.

And that's what strip clubs are for men...the chance to look at and touch/be touched by a really hot girl, one they likely wouldn't get a chance with in real life. I don't see anything wrong with that. I wouldn't feel guilty or dirty about visiting a strip club to get up close and personal with the men of my dreams, being as that is as close as I would ever get. Pictures are the same way. It's nice to look at hot people. And as mentioned before, it's all about variety.

Maybe I'm in the minority of women here...don't other women have a roster of dream guys, both famous and those in their circle that they fantasize about and seek out steamy pictures of? I'd say I spend a good fifty percent of every day fantasizing about and/or searching out pictures/movies of my personal dream guys. So I wouldn't take it personally to know my boyfriend was doing the same. You can't it personally. We don't own our SO's and we can't tell them what to do. Trying to control what they look at or do in their own time is pointless, IMO.

Even if I had (who I consider to be) the hottest guy in the world for a boyfriend, I'd still look at other hot guys. But then again I also am against monogamy, so my opinion perhaps isn't relevant. I don't know.
[QUOTE]To be totally honest with you Gypsy, based on the content of a lot of posts of yours which I've read, I think you have a mentality which cannot possibly be conducive to honest and healthy relationships as it seems to be utterly devoid of an appreciation for the necessity of honesty and trust, which are the cornerstones of healthy relationships.[/QUOTE]

Oh without a doubt honesty and trust are very important aspects of relationships. Of course. It is true that I am currently in a relationship yet carrying on an affair. It's not like I WANT to cheat on a partner. I have tried to extricate myself from the relationship. But it turns out my boyfriend is a little bit of a psycho. He's threatened that if I leave him then he will come after me and whoever I leave him for. I don't doubt that he will turn very nasty. He's obsessive. So I'm just trying to delay the inevitable I guess. It's not like I encourage shiftiness.

[QUOTE]Why would you do that? Why not just be honest from the off and tell him you were into porn and didn't intend to stop looking at it? Do you not realise the damage you do to your own union when you strip it of trust in this way?[/QUOTE]

Yes, it would have been best for your boyfriend to tell you from the start that he did not plan to stop looking at porn. But I'm sure he didn't want to lose you over something that is, to him, trivial. That is the big difference here. You view porn as a very big deal and he doesn't. You consider it a personal attack and he doesn't...so he has NO CLUE how it can offend you so.

I don't encourage partners to lie to each other. I just consider the viewing of porn as something private, something personal, something that has [I]nothing to do [/I]with one's signifigant other. I don't think it is in the same league as having an affair.

What is wrong, to [I]me[/I], is a person trying to tell their SO what they can and cannot do. Coming into a relationship I don't think either person should alter themselves or stop enjoying what they've always enjoyed before the relationship. I don't think they should change at all, or be expected to change.

I'm just trying to say that...I don't think your boyfriend meant to cause you so much pain. It wasn't a big deal to him. He seems to have the same prickliness that I do when it comes to fearing someone is trying to control them. But considering all that you have been through, this just may be the end of the road :(
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926] It is true that I am currently in a relationship yet carrying on an affair. It's not like I WANT to cheat on a partner. [/QUOTE]

Hmmm, I know this thread is about my issues and not yours, and I'm not trying to be rude here, but I cant restrain my compulsion to offer what to me is very obvious advice: If you find yourself doing something you don't want to do a good course of action is to stop doing it!

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]Yes, it would have been best for your boyfriend to tell you from the start that he did not plan to stop looking at porn. [/QUOTE]

That's all I was asking for Gypsy.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]You consider it a personal attack and he doesn't.. [/QUOTE]

I don't consider it a personal attack, I consider it a personal insult, both to me and to our relationship.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]..so he has NO CLUE how it can offend you so. [/QUOTE]

You're absolutely mistaken there Gypsy; this man is more than FULLY WELL AWARE how I feel about this. Some of the ladies who responded on this thread were able to comment in their opening lines that they were sorry to hear of this happenstance in my life because they are aware how opposed to porn I am, and these are ladies I've never even come eyeball to eyeball with, so you can be sure my live-in bf of five years is not in the dark as to my feelings on this issue!

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]I don't think it is in the same league as having an affair. [/QUOTE]

Nor do I; but that doesn't mean I’m going to pretend to be happy about it.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]What is wrong, to [I]me[/I], is a person trying to tell their SO what they can and cannot do. Coming into a relationship I don't think either person should alter themselves or stop enjoying what they've always enjoyed before the relationship. I don't think they should change at all, or be expected to change. [/QUOTE]

Well then surely, by that same reasoning, you'd agree that I should not be expected to change what I don’t enjoy?

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]I'm just trying to say that...I don't think your boyfriend meant to cause you so much pain. [/QUOTE]

No, you’re right there, I know that he didn’t; doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3201926]It wasn't a big deal to him. He seems to have the same prickliness that I do when it comes to fearing someone is trying to control them. [/QUOTE]

Well then all he had to do was say he “wasn’t willing to be controlled/dictated to/manipulated” or some such BS words to that effect – that’d have been fine by me, we’d have had our parting of the ways five years ago and I wouldn’t be in this position - of his making - today.

I guess there's no point in going round in circles; I get what you're trying to say, I just don’t agree with it at all Gypsy. A person, imo, just has no right to do what he's done here.





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