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This is my first post ever, anywhere...i am so sad all the time, for many reasons but i think the one that is deepest is causing all the others to surface more frequently so that all i can do is keep from crying all the time...

I have been married for nearly 20 years...i have 3 children, 17, 16 and 14 almost 15...yes, 3 kids in 2-1/2 years...i married my husband too quickly, after a 13 mo. LONG DISTANCE romance...yes, i was on the rebound after about 5 rocky years with my college b/f...i was having such a hard time meeting any good guys in the the 8 months that i was single that when i found one that was OK, i reeled it in...i know what the main problem was...our initial attraction centered around our bad habits...substance abuse ones that is...drinking, smoking (pot and cigs), occasional cocaine use...now when i look back, every time we were together we were using one or more (not a lot of coke, that was very occasional, but we did use it together the first time we met)...at least he has a steady job and has been the main supporter of the family financially, i've held p/t jobs for the past 12 yrs...

anyway, things changed drastically when i became pregnant with our first child 2 yrs. after we married...i stopped everything cold turkey...and since my first child was only 6 mos. when i became pregnant again, and i was still nursing, i never started doing any of it again...

when my oldest was 9, i gradually started smoking cigarettes again and even started drinking more, sometimes during the day by myself before the kids came home from school...that lasted until she was 12...things were a little better between my husband and i during that time period, but i know i don't want to return to those addictions just to make my marriage better...

we never talk, we never go anywhere together because its no use being with someone who doesn't talk to you, i think he has a self-esteem issue because any little thing i say he views as critical either to him or someone else, so i think that is why he doesn't talk...we went to counseling 3 times about 8 yrs. ago, the therapist suggested we go out on dates, that didn't last, we had nothing to say unless we were drinking...

i know we should have divorced a long time ago, but i didn't want that stigma or to disappoint my parents (i was raised Catholic), and most of all i didn't want my kids to come from a broken home...so instead i have just suffered for the past 15 or so years...there is no sex at all, and since he is overweight and snores, i have to leave the bed as soon as he falls asleep because the snoring wakes me up...i have no interest in having sex with someone who can't talk to me anyway...if the relationship was good then i could forgive the fact that he is out of shape, but i'm not going to lower myself to have sex with someone i really can't stand...now if he had a hot bod, i could forgive the no talking!!! i did have 1 brief affair just to make sure it wasn't the sex i was avoiding or not liking and it wasn't! but that was purely a physical relationship, and it was nice to have someone saying nice things to me again, for the short time. I still wear my wedding ring, but i've been thinking of taking it off...he stopped wearing his when i took mine off for awhile because i was working catering jobs and told him i got more attention (from men) when i wasn't wearing a ring, so he took his off...he can't even fit it back on now, he's gained probably 40-50 lbs since we've been married, he wasn't that fit to begin with tho...

but i am really lonely for someone to talk to and do the things i enjoy with...right now i can do most of them with my kids, but the clock is ticking, my oldest leaves for college next Fall...i am thinking of finding a "pen pal"/e-mail friend, just to have someone to talk and vent to, and i'm wondering if anyone can point me in the right direction...thanks so much:(
[QUOTE=luckyroger94;3202058]I am new at this but I would like to offer my little bit of life experience. I have been married 16 years. We hit a rough patch in year 13 & that lasted 12-18 months, but we got back on track. The one thing I came away with was I needed to care about her more than myself and she needed to do the same for me. There is no way my marriage was going to last until we communicated regularly and we each found reasons to care about one another. This seemed impossible at the low point where we started from but with communication we slowly clawed our way back to being happy and wanting to spend time together.
We all get married for one reason or another - hopefully Love is the original reason. I have come to believe tis LOVE is like a plant though, if you don't feed it and care for it regularly, it will wither and die.
You all seem to care greatly about the kids involved. If each of you can say that you honestly gave everything you could, did everything you can to try to give this plant some new life - multiple times. I say try once more but you must communicate what you are doing & see if idea is reciprocated by your spouse. Even if it is reciprocated even a little or they are not sure = that can be a beginning! If your spouse says they feel nothing anymore or really want to call it quits you are only doing yourself & your family a disservice by not moving-on.

Good Luck,
Roger[/QUOTE]

Roger, I totally agree with everything you said. It just makes sense! Especially the part about if you don't take care of your plant, it will wither and die. People get married for the long term and yet during that term it is going to be for better or worse. This is constant effort on both parties. I say effort because in the beginning of your relationship it's all fun and easy going, but once you get into the responsability of work,home,bills and children the days seem so jumbled and gets hard to find the "Spark" you once shared. It's almost like you lost your own identity, when in fact, this is the identity you signed up for. These things that piled up in life was not just created by one peron, but by both who were trying to create the "Marriage". This is the description. This is what couples in a marraige do.

I personally am going to take your advice on concentrating on my spouses needs more than my own. I will start today and keep going every day, because that is what it is all about. Do unto others as they do unto you! I will make this contagious to my husband. I challenge all of you that are having the same issues to give it your best shot before you call it quits! Try to talk to your partner and commit to acts of love every day even when you really don't feel like you have it in you. See if things start to change and share your outcome to all of us. This could be interesting;) .





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