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OK, I've been thinking on this one for days. My husband has been absolutely wonderful except for one incident where he lost it on a night where everyone had a great lack of sleep so I let it slide. Coming from a dysfunctional backround I really don't have a benchmark as to what is acceptable and the norm. I had always seemed to be dating abusive men- manipulative, cheaters, mean, etc. I started dating my husband because he was extremely nice to everyone and was excellent with children. We dated for several years and I had a *Ton* on anxiety about getting married but figured it must be due pre-marital jitters. I was the one who pushed counseling for several years and actually went myself for a short time but was somewhat disappointed by it. I was told to leave my husband but I have to be honest the conselor was a militant lesbian who honestly seemed to lump men into one category. I was hesitent to have a second child considering the situation but things seemed to be well with us so I went for it. Four weeks later I was preg. with number two. My second son has had some health issues. I would seriously do some phone couseling if it's available- otherwise I can have my mother drive up and hour to watch my youngest (the oldest I can send to a sitter service- no problem there). Only problem is that she is incredibly untrustworthy and truly is more obsessed with the cleaning my house that watching my son- sad but true. My son has pretty bad choking problems along with other issues that OT and PT are working with. He is suddenly mouthing everything and on a daily basis I am flipping him over and pounding on his back to resolve the choking episode (always food so far). It's an odd situation but considering the situation I would like to wait it out a few months till he is older. In the mean time my husband has compiled a list of grievences for the counseler and told me about this- so I can "prepare myself". I let him know that I am really content and happy and the only issue I have to address is his anger. I'm not ready to scrap the marriage- I know that we both have areas that need improving. I have been co-sleeping for years which he absolutely hates. My oldest is in his own bed but my youngest still sleeps with me- which is good because I still breastfeed him (since he's not handling food to well yet) and with he hypotonia litterally would get caught in weird positions in the crib and scream in fright unable to get out of that position. I will transition him to his own bed at about three and a half. I let my husband know that if he wanted a second child I had to co-sleep- I get tired easily and my thyroid is on it's way out. I would be taking care of this child 100%. He agreed to it. He hates it though. I give him freqent sex so that does not become and issue. To be honest he hated sleeping next to me anyhow- I drink too much water at night, restless sleeper, etc....
We have had an incredible amount of stress on our lives these past years including medical complications with my older son as a newborn, buying a house that has been a money pit, my part-time job lay-off, my own health issues (heart trouble the thyriod problems) and financial hardships. My older son has been a challenge to discpline and is being screened for sensory integration disorder (he literally bounces off walls). my husband is a stressed out type of guy. His mother is extremely negative and would always says things to him growing up- "you're cousins have a girlfriend I wish I could say that my sonhas a girlfriend", etc... My husbands family value money and appearance and my husband is totally affected by it. He feels the house is unacceptable, our money situation is unacceptable, we don't dress well-enough (d/t money). I stopped caring about what his family thought years ago. But I can totally see the lasting impression it made on him.
He did have a period of heavy drinking four years ago but I let him know that if it didn't stop the marriage was ending and I would probably get full custody. He stopped drinking and rarely has a beer. I worry that he will slip back but he really has an iron will and has said he doesn't want me to have the "amunition in court" if we ever divorced. As for divorce my mother one hundred precent will not help me- her new husband is very emotionally abusive and controlling (everyone agrees on this) and would never let me live with them. She always has a negative thing to say to me and says that I should keep the house cleaner to make my husband happier (the house is pretty clean usually) and that I should be able to work part-time from home without any help (it's very hard and stressfull with little kids) She also said that the only wrong with my younger son is my attachment parenting style- which I cried over and she has refused to apoligize since the MD's have determined problems. I've said don't you feel bad about blaming me and she give vague answers about me bringing up the past etc. She weas a foster kid for several years- what can I say...
I think I've rambled long enough. As for now things seem good but then there always ends up being a "bad" episode where I get to thinking again. Did I set him off, did I nag him the way my mother nags? Is this totally on him? I don't know... the fact that after all these years he is eager to go to couseling gives me optimism and hope. I think he want to discusses all the things that he finds upsetting about me- that counseling is about "fixing me" but I think he might be in for a reality check (maybe) when we do eventually go. I'm sure there will be things that I will not enjoy hearing about myself also probably.
Thank you everyone for actually caring and reading my post. I was actually shocked I got a lot of responses.

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