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Hi there -

I've been on this board since July (you'll find out why further down), but haven't visited this board before. I'm going to give you a story, which I'll try to keep as short as possible. Please don't judge me - I just need some advice.

About 2 years ago I was working in an office. My boss and I got along really well. We worked together for about a year. It eventually developed into one of those working relationships that you dream about - he let me do my job, and I did it very well. We were friends and talked to each other. Nothing improper EVER happened at the office. We flirted a lot, because that's both our personalities, but we were both married - mostly happily I thought.

My boss eventually took a position with an affiliated firm. So now I was working with him as an outside representative. The first week he started his new job he asked me for lunch. This was brand new - as his employee we did not do social things. Anyway, I met him at his office. Before we went for lunch, he told me that he'd never got a chance to say good-bye to me the way he wanted to before he left. He kissed me, and it was very platonic. That was fine - happends with friends at Christmas parties and such all the time. We went for lunch, and now that I wasn't his employee anymore we could talk about our personal lives. His wife is/was suffering from semi-controlled depression and he wasn't happy. Neither was I. I married a friend and we were roommates with a 1 year old. AFter lunch we went back to his office for a minute. He told me he liked me and kissed me again - not so platonically. I was in shock.

So on it goes. I told me he just wanted a **$$** buddy. I thought about it seriously for a week. Told him that if I did it I'd fall in love with him. Did it anyway. For six months we made out in his office. About 5 months in, I left my husband. This was a good break-up and continues to be so. It was a good move regardless of the fact that this was going on.

Last May (2006) after about 6 months, we finally slept together. This was not sex. This was very deep for both of us. By this point we were both well aware of the fact that we were in love and in a situation that was messy. He feels duty bound to stay with his wife because of the depression and the two kids etc.

Continue for another year and half. We don't see each other very often. Every once in awhile we have a few hours in the afternoon and we make love. We keep in touch mostly by text msg. I want people to understand though - we do love each other, and we're not using each other for sex. If we were, we'd be seeing much more of each other!!

We saw each other in July for several hours. We've been together many times at this point. He goes out of town on a business trip a few days after - and I develop herpes. Oh God. I told him of course. Long and short of it is, we know I got it from him, and he didn't know he had it. Yes, that's possible - you can just be a carrier, and many people are. He feels incredibly guilty.

Well, this latest in a whole series of things (which I haven't mentioned) has finally persuaded him to make a decision. He's back in therapy (he quit earlier). Problem is, he needs to face his past (no, I don't know what it is - it's big and doesn't involve either me or his wife) in order to deal with his present. I love him to death and want to stand by him, but we are forbidden to see each other even over lunch. We can't really talk about it because it's hard to do via text or even on the phone. When we do talk, I'm sad for hours after because it's such a vague, uninvolved conversation.

I know he loves me, I know he wants me. But it's been almost 2 years, and I just don't know how much longer I can continue waiting for and supporting him. At the same time, I know he needs the support. This is more than just choosing whether to stay with his wife or not. Incidentally, he's never asked me to wait, promised to leave his wife etc. However, as our relationship has developed, more and more he has intimated that he wants this to be more.

What should I do?? I don't know how much longer I can hold on, but I can't let go either!! He's my best friend and vice versa - I can't walk out on my friend.

Sorry for the essay - that's the VERY abbreviated version!

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