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Re: Step Kid
Sep 28, 2007
Actually, if you do remain with him and marry him, and your resentment grows, it will be your fault because you CHOOSE to be with a man who has a child, a child cannot CHOOSE their parents. Your man has a child wether you like it or not, and unless he is a deadbeat dad, he will never be out of his life.

I would not be with anyone who did not like my children and treat them good, and who wished they would just "go away" Would you be okay with it if your guy did that to your child? Would you really think he was father material if he chose a woman over his own child? Why would you even consider having a child with someone like that, and expect that it couldn't happen to yours in the future?

I have a child from a previous relationship and my husband has two, who he had full custody of and lived with him full time. I love them very much and while we had our problems, they love me. No I'm not their mother, but I never made them feel like they where inferior to me because they weren't my biological children, nor has my husband done that to my child. I never expected my husband to put me over his childrens needs (wants yes, needs no) and nor would I even want to be with a man who'd do that. I have a very enriching life with my stepchildren, and now I've got a grandson to add to my life and it's wonderful.

I don't think your feelings are wrong, but I do think it would be wrong of you to continue being with a man, who has a child you resent, and it's incredibly unfair for that child to have to be around someone who resents his existance. If you are not cut out to be a stepmother, than you should probably move on to someone who doesn't have children. That would probably be best for everyone involved.

BTW I married my husband when I was 21, he was 32 and his kids where 13 and 14 and my child was 2 1/2. We now have 3 more children together, and have been married almost 6 years.

I wish you luck.
Re: Step Kid
Oct 2, 2007

2) If I had a child and I had separated from the father and he got a new fiance who wasn't keen on my child, then I would feel that my child is mine and the fathers responsibility. Even if separated, I would want my ex partner to see our child as much as possible. Being in my situation, I would sympathise if the new fiance wasn't keen on my child, I would understand. Of course, I would not like it but I'd understand. If she was ever directly horrible to my child for no apparant reason, then it is up to the father to put her straight.

Of course, it is so easy to think what I'd do [b]if[/b] I were in that situation, isn't it?[/QUOTE]

Oh, come on ... you can't be serious. Let's just recap for a second. You think it's "obvious" that your children will live with you and your finance but... you don't think it's obvious that his kid would live with his only remaining parent if his mother died? You think it's normal that he's said he'll put your kids first??

So if the two of you get married, have kids, break up and he remarries you are totally okay with him turning around and telling you that your kids are no longer his priority, will not live with him, that if you die he still won't take them and that he is now putting his new kids first but will see your child occassionally. Oh, and by the way, when YOUR kid visits with his dad and his new kids (who are more important to him and come first) you'll be totally okay with dad's new wife not liking your child? Of course, she'll never let on that she DISlikes your kid ... so while you're child won't feel DISliked, he/she won't feel liked either.

This part about you not showing his kid that you DISlike him ... that's great ... but you're also not showing him that you like him. You know what that means to a kid - that you don't like him! If he doesn't feel liked, he'll feel disliked. Don't fool yourself into thinking a CHILD will buy into this "neutral" stuff. Children feel - they don't rationalize. So if he doesn't FEEL liked, he'll FEEL disliked. It's really that simple. Don't delude yourself.

I actually understand not being keen on a relationship that involves a child that isn't yours. That's why I don't date dads! But you just cannot chose to date a guy with a kid and then decide that you want the dad but not the kid. They come as a package. Accept that or don't. If you now realize that you just can't accept the package, then walk away. It's plain wrong to want to keep the guy but dump the kid. They are a package - you get both or neither. It's that simple. And if you chose to stay with him, you get the kid - YOU chose the kid, he didn't chose you!

I can't say this enough - they are a PACKAGE. And a solution to your problem is not to destroy the relationship between a parent and child by pushing the kid into the background and asking for promises that's he'll be second class to future children. That's just WRONG.
Re: Step Kid
Oct 2, 2007
I agree with the top two posts. Now that I have had some time to think more about this, it is the father (your partner) who really bothers me in all of this.

To tell his girlfriend (you) that he won't let his son get in the way of their relationship, that he will send him off to live with the grandmother if something happened to the mom, and that he regretted having his son so early, is such a [COLOR="Red"]RED FLAG[/COLOR]. It almost makes me sick to think of someone like that.

[I]I have to ask, how often does your partner see his son AND how does he support his son? [/I]

The excuse of working full-time and not being able to raise his son - so shipping him off to grandma's house? My mother divorced my dad, worked full time, and raised two kids as a single parent for many years before she married my step-father. Working is no excuse. Afterall, more and more families have parents who BOTH work outside the home.

All in all, I think this is a dangerous relationship that you are just not seeing. [COLOR="Red"]Like I said earlier, how a man treats his children is a sure sign of how he will treat others....![/COLOR] Get out of the relationship and don't date someone with kids if you are not up for it. Yes, they are a package like another poster said. You can't convince yourself that a child will not get in the way. Obviously your partner has not been able to convince you of this as well b/c it is bothering you and causing you concern.

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