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Hi there.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. Everything is good, minus the few spats and what not.. but we live together, and have lived together for almost 2 years now.

My boyfriend isn't the social type. He'd rather stay the night at home and play video games, then go and hang out with people. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, because I knew this about him getting into the relationship with him.. I've grown to accept it, and it's normal.

He is not one to dwell on the past. He think's I'm nuts when my friends and I talk about what we used to do when we were younger. He'll get up and leave because he think's is rediculous. He says "The Past is the past".
He has also told me that he doesn't like staying friend's with his Ex's. He says "They're ex's for a reason, and I really don't have any use for them"

This is what he has always been like. I have told him that he should try to make new friends, just to get out of the house, and maybe away from me for a bit.

Now. Picture this. Everyting is hunky-dorie, until last Thursday. He ran into his ex girlfriend.. who he dated just before me for 3 months... and they exchanged numbers, whatever.
Well... this girl comes to him and says "Oh well by the way, my 2 1/2 year old daughter, might be yours"

Wll holy hell, did my world come to a screeching halt.

No way, not my boyfriend.

I am not understanding why she waited almost 3 years to tell him this. Apparently there is a 2 week window when she slept with my boyfriend, and her ex husband, and she's not sure which one is the father.

And my other question is, why the hell didn't she test the ex HUSBAND first, before even thinking of dropping a bomb like this on us.

She's not paying a dime for the paternity test either, which is another thing that makes me angry. My boyfriend is a pretty nice guy, but in this situation, he needs to grow some balls!!! We are barely scraping by right now, and he's offering to pay $600 to find out if this kid is his?

If he hadn't have run into her, none of this would have happened. She has made no effort to contact him these past 3 years, and I've never really heard him talk about her.

Now, he's constantly text messaging her... he's even been to her house to "discuss" what is going to happen if the kid is his... he's been there 2 times already.

As far as I'm concerned, he owes her NOTHING until those test results come back and say that the kid is his.

I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel that he is hanging out with her/talking to her, and he just doesn't understand. He says that I told him to make friends, and regardless if the kid is his or not, he's still going to be there to support her.

I am so stressed over this. I haven't eaten in over a week, I'm barely sleeping.

I'm 21, and I don't want to be a step mom, but I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I don't want to ip and leave him because this happened. I can deal with the fact that sure, he may have a kid, but I cannot deal with him hanging out with her, and talking to her all the time.

She's constantly sending messages to his phone saying "Are you ok? Do you need to talk? We can get together after 8 if you want to"
Stuff like that.. almost as if she wants to console him, when I should be the one doing that.

He wont talk to me about any of this. He FREAKS out and throws everything I say back in my face.. telling me I'm wrong, or being a hypocrite, or I'm attacking her. He'll talk to her about it, but not to me? We've talked about marriage and kids and what not... and he wont even talk to me?!

He says he doesn't want to think anything right now, because if he's excited, the kid wont be his, and if he doesn't want the kid, it will be his.. so I can understand that part.. he doesn't want to get let down.

But the other day, he told me he would pick me up from work. I waited, and waited, and waited, and he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone either. (That was the day he was with her to take the paternity test).

I was left there crying my eyes out, sitting on the sidewalk of my work, while everyone stared at me. I don't think I have been so embarassed in my life.

I had asked him why he didn't answer my calls, and he said that he was in the middle of a conversation with her. And I said to him "So I'm not important enough to be talked to when you're with her? No matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing, I will ALWYAS answer your call"

Then, that night, he drove to another city to pick her up from school. Sure he can pick his EX GIRLFRIEND up from school , but not his CURRENT girlfriend up from work? I feel like I am taking the back seat right now. He is not taking any of my feelings into consideration. Basically I feel like I have to sit and wait until their problem is fixed, and then wait to get my issues sorted out.

I have every right to be jealous of this girl. They had a past. They slept together. I have never met her, so I have no idea what her motives are... what she wants from him... etc...

He constantly tells me that he is not interested in her like that, and that he loves me and nothing will happen between them.

Not to mention that we've almost broken up 2 times in less than a week.

I have no idea what he is telling her about me. I must admit, I don't know how to handle this situation, I've never been in this situation before, so Yes, I have been crying a lot lately. Also, we've had more sex this past week than the past year!! I don't understand..

I don't know what to do anymore. He told me that she is still going to be in his life when they find out the answers.

I figure that they haven't talked or seen eachother in 3 years, it's not going to hurt them to never talk again.

I hope she feels like the biggest A-hole when she finds out this kid isn't his.

Any insight anyone? I totally feel alone right now.
Well, it sounds to me, first of all, like he does an awful lot of telling you what will be and how things are going to go, but doesn't put much effort into making sure you're happy, making sure your needs are met or to include you in things that affect both your lives.

By the way you tell the story, he sounds very selfish and cold and insensitive. He hasn't even asked you how you feel about all this, how you'll feel if the child is his. He didn't ask you, he TOLD you he's going to continue to have this woman in his life EVEN IF the child isn't his. Now what would be the purpose of that? If he says he doesn't live in the past, and even needlessly criticizes you and your friend over a little harmless reminiscing about the good old days, which is something we all do? Of course you told him to go out and meet new friends, but any idiot would know that you DIDN'T mean with an old lover.

He hasn't included you in any conversations with her, sounds like you haven't even met her. Did he even apologize for leaving you high and dry and stranded at work? And he gets mad at you when you are negative against her and defends her to you. AND, sounds like he was depressed and content to be a couch potato doing nothing but playing video games, and not very sexual at all, now this woman comes back into his life and suddenly he's revitalized and now is suddenly very sexual.

I hate to say this, and I know it's the last thing you want to hear after three years of emotional investment with this guy, but it sounds like he's just not that into you. You're not a priority. He doesn't care if you're happy or not. If you get mad, he doesn't try to make things right with you. It sounds like he doesn't care if he loses you or not. He just sounds very luke warm to you. And dictating to you that this ex lover of his is going to be a part of his life with or without the child, whether you like it or not, I gotta tell you, if it were me, I'd already be gone. Life's too short to let someone make you this unhappy. Love isn't supposed to hurt. When it's right, it lifts you up, it makes you feel more confident, strong, and fulfilled. You shouldn't have to struggle to stay confident and hang onto your self esteem and struggle to feel happy IN SPITE of the person who's supposed to love you.





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