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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi there.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. Everything is good, minus the few spats and what not.. but we live together, and have lived together for almost 2 years now.

My boyfriend isn't the social type. He'd rather stay the night at home and play video games, then go and hang out with people. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, because I knew this about him getting into the relationship with him.. I've grown to accept it, and it's normal.

He is not one to dwell on the past. He think's I'm nuts when my friends and I talk about what we used to do when we were younger. He'll get up and leave because he think's is rediculous. He says "The Past is the past".
He has also told me that he doesn't like staying friend's with his Ex's. He says "They're ex's for a reason, and I really don't have any use for them"

This is what he has always been like. I have told him that he should try to make new friends, just to get out of the house, and maybe away from me for a bit.

Now. Picture this. Everyting is hunky-dorie, until last Thursday. He ran into his ex girlfriend.. who he dated just before me for 3 months... and they exchanged numbers, whatever.
Well... this girl comes to him and says "Oh well by the way, my 2 1/2 year old daughter, might be yours"

Wll holy hell, did my world come to a screeching halt.

No way, not my boyfriend.

I am not understanding why she waited almost 3 years to tell him this. Apparently there is a 2 week window when she slept with my boyfriend, and her ex husband, and she's not sure which one is the father.

And my other question is, why the hell didn't she test the ex HUSBAND first, before even thinking of dropping a bomb like this on us.

She's not paying a dime for the paternity test either, which is another thing that makes me angry. My boyfriend is a pretty nice guy, but in this situation, he needs to grow some balls!!! We are barely scraping by right now, and he's offering to pay $600 to find out if this kid is his?

If he hadn't have run into her, none of this would have happened. She has made no effort to contact him these past 3 years, and I've never really heard him talk about her.

Now, he's constantly text messaging her... he's even been to her house to "discuss" what is going to happen if the kid is his... he's been there 2 times already.

As far as I'm concerned, he owes her NOTHING until those test results come back and say that the kid is his.

I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel that he is hanging out with her/talking to her, and he just doesn't understand. He says that I told him to make friends, and regardless if the kid is his or not, he's still going to be there to support her.

I am so stressed over this. I haven't eaten in over a week, I'm barely sleeping.

I'm 21, and I don't want to be a step mom, but I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I don't want to ip and leave him because this happened. I can deal with the fact that sure, he may have a kid, but I cannot deal with him hanging out with her, and talking to her all the time.

She's constantly sending messages to his phone saying "Are you ok? Do you need to talk? We can get together after 8 if you want to"
Stuff like that.. almost as if she wants to console him, when I should be the one doing that.

He wont talk to me about any of this. He FREAKS out and throws everything I say back in my face.. telling me I'm wrong, or being a hypocrite, or I'm attacking her. He'll talk to her about it, but not to me? We've talked about marriage and kids and what not... and he wont even talk to me?!

He says he doesn't want to think anything right now, because if he's excited, the kid wont be his, and if he doesn't want the kid, it will be his.. so I can understand that part.. he doesn't want to get let down.

But the other day, he told me he would pick me up from work. I waited, and waited, and waited, and he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone either. (That was the day he was with her to take the paternity test).

I was left there crying my eyes out, sitting on the sidewalk of my work, while everyone stared at me. I don't think I have been so embarassed in my life.

I had asked him why he didn't answer my calls, and he said that he was in the middle of a conversation with her. And I said to him "So I'm not important enough to be talked to when you're with her? No matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing, I will ALWYAS answer your call"

Then, that night, he drove to another city to pick her up from school. Sure he can pick his EX GIRLFRIEND up from school , but not his CURRENT girlfriend up from work? I feel like I am taking the back seat right now. He is not taking any of my feelings into consideration. Basically I feel like I have to sit and wait until their problem is fixed, and then wait to get my issues sorted out.

I have every right to be jealous of this girl. They had a past. They slept together. I have never met her, so I have no idea what her motives are... what she wants from him... etc...

He constantly tells me that he is not interested in her like that, and that he loves me and nothing will happen between them.

Not to mention that we've almost broken up 2 times in less than a week.

I have no idea what he is telling her about me. I must admit, I don't know how to handle this situation, I've never been in this situation before, so Yes, I have been crying a lot lately. Also, we've had more sex this past week than the past year!! I don't understand..

I don't know what to do anymore. He told me that she is still going to be in his life when they find out the answers.

I figure that they haven't talked or seen eachother in 3 years, it's not going to hurt them to never talk again.

I hope she feels like the biggest A-hole when she finds out this kid isn't his.

Any insight anyone? I totally feel alone right now.
I am very suspicious, and I have every right to be!

Why all of a sudden, out of the blue did she tell him this? I mean if you have any doubt, shouldn't it be taken care of when you're doubting, instead of waiting 3 years?

I would think she should have gotten the ex husband tested first, and THEN come to my boyfriend when that test came back negative.

I honestly feel like she wants something from him, wether it be geting him back.. or whatever.

My boyfriend broke up with her because he didn't know if she was sleeping with her ex husband while they were dating, and she says she wasn't sleeping with both of them at teh same time, but we will only find out with these test results!

I even put money towards the test.

I hope and pray and pray that this child is not his. It looks nothing like him.

Sorry for the long posts, but Im' so scared and confused.
You would think that he would take into consideration on how I feel about this, (not talking to her) but nope.

I don't hang out with any of my ex's, and I sure as hell don't go out of my way for them (i.e picking them up from school)

And he wont even let me meet her!!! Thats what kills me!! I have nothing to do with this!

He's always been the kind of guy to help people when they're down on their luck, or going through a bad situation, but this kid has had a father figure in her life, so it's not like she's missing out on a father. He doesn't even know any of this is going on!!!

Everything is fine between us, when we aren't talking about this situation, and yes he is very quick to defend her because "she is a nice person, and didn't do anything to him"

Uhm, HELLO? She just made you miss out on the first 3 years of this kids life if it is yours!

I will be just as much as a part of this child's life if it is his.
very true, and thanks for pointing that out.

He doesn't think she's manipulating him though... and I think the ex should have been tested before she even dropped the bomb on us! She's looking for a pity party, and my boyfriend has always been a sucker for people who are in need.

I'm not going to sit back and take the crap he's giving me. I'm not going to sit on the back burner and wait for them to figure things out, and then come back to me.

He told me that they talk about what's going to happen if this kid is his.. UHM HELLO? Don't you think you should be talking to me about this? Your girlfriend!?

I can't stress to him enough, that he's MY BOYFRIEND and not hers! She's totally trying to stir the pot.





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