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Relationship Health Message Board

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Ok, I'm chiming in very very late on this one, but I just had to toss in my little 2 cents....

I'm a bit confused. He has admitted to an "addiction" to porn and lust and dirty pictures, he demeaned and insulted a female friend by asking her to take her top off, take pictures of her naked breasts and send them to him, then he says he would have lost respect for her if she had actually done it, but he didn't lose any respect for himself for asking her in the first place, and YOU'RE the one seeing a shrink? OF course you have trust issues with this guy. He proved himself UNTRUSTWORTHY. He has broken your trust. and it takes time to rebuild it once it's broken. Even is he is being totally transparent and open with you and isn't hiding anything at all from you, which is good, he still broke your trust and that's not going to heal overnight, any more than a broken bone heals overnight. It takes time AND all the other stuff.

If he's a porn junkie, and wants to stop, why isn't HE in therapy? If I were in your shoes, that would go much further to making me feel better. Insecurity of course is never a good thing in a relationship, but when the relationship is PART of what is making you insecure, you can talk to shrinks till the cows come home, you won't feel any more secure or trusting. He needs to get therapy for his addiction and follow through and not just make sweet promises, but actually DO something to get rid of his addiction. Until and unless he gets help for it, it's only a matter of time before he asks another female friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc. for naked pictures of her breasts or worse. An you will drive yourself nuts waiting for it to happen, and no shrink in the world will be able to help you be ok with that ax over your head.

Your problem is not an addiction to snooping on his cell phone. Your problem is that you've chosen to be with someone who has broken your trust and who is addicted to behavior that you consider dishonest and cheating, and he hasn't taken enough action toward correcting it. That's your problem. I think if the therapist you see this week is worth their salt at all, they'll tell you the same thing. Oh, and by the way, that business about him "needing you at night" so that he won't look at porn, and that he doesn't do it when you're around and that if you were there all the time, then his addiction would go away, NO!!!!! That's stinkin' thinkin'. That's not curing his addiction, that's just swapping cocain for heroin. He would only be using you as a new addiction, and it would only be a matter of time before he got bored with just you if you were to move in anyway. He's not healthy, and he needs to get healthy before he can be a good partner for you. You can seek treatment for your insecurity if you like, in fact, that can be a good idea, but if only one person in a relationship is healthy and the other person is sick, then the relationship will be sick. YOU CANNOT be healthy enough for the both of you.

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