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FLGirlie, I feel the same way that you do about the situation, before yesterday I was going crazy not knowing exactly what was going on. I pretty much knew that they were basically having an emotional affair, but couldn't figure out if there was more. I spent the day with a friend yesterday, she went with me to the doctor, and then she spent hours confiding in me that she wanted a divorce and suspected that her husband is cheating on her. I gave her the day and did not mention what I suspected was going on in my own relationship. She has basically lost all emotion for her husband, and him for her to, there is nothing left to give, and she doesn't want to try to fix it, this is the third time that he has had an affair. He admitted to the first 2, the second only admitting to phone sex and flirting, but UGH, that is still cheating. He had also metioned to her that the woman had boosted his ego and made him feel good about himself, and that was the initial attraction. After she confided in me about how her husband treats her and how mean he is to her, it gave me the courage I had been trying to find to sit down with my husband and really talk to him about his situation with his boss. I know that by my husbands actions towards me at home that he loves me and is very worried about my health. But at the same time he feels helpless because he cannot "fix" my problems. He is the type of guy that will help anyone, he's easy to talk to and people call him alot for advice and for repair work. When I sat him down and rationally explained to him how I felt and opened his eyes to the fact that his relationship with her was hurting ours. I started by asking him ?'s about their talks and their time together, and then tried opening his eyes to the fact that even though he didn't see it this way, that it had become an emotional affair. I pointed out the deceptions and the touchy slaps and her looks towards him. I asked him if he agreed with me, that it could be considered an emotional affair, and he said, now that you have talked with me and explained things to me I see, that yes, it is an emotional affair. I asked him point blank if he was sexually attracted to her. he said that he wasn't going to lie--that she was an attractive woman, but that he didn't have in his mind that he would ever persue anything sexually with her. he said that the emotional need was there but had become more her needing his comfort than him needing hers. But actually if you really think about it he needs her to confide in him so he can help her with her problems, because he cannot fix me. I told him that it this was damaging our relationship, just as much as if he was having a sexual affair with her. I told him that the deception has made it hard for me to trust him, and I asked him why he deceived me, and he said that he knew that him being with her made me uncomfortable and it is his job and he cannot avoid it, so he left out the facts. I also told him that he needs to stop being her crutch, that she needs to stop calling him about every little thing. She called him 3 times last night on his cell phone, but he didn't answer the phone. He said that it was because they have a job to do today and she put the materials in the back of his truck while he was gone on another job, and that she is a spaz and worries about everything, and had left a message on his v-mail asking if everything was there that he needed, and he hadn't returned her call. This could be true, I know she is always stressing about making sure that all the material is taken to a job. She did not attempt to reach him on the home phone even though he did not answer his cell though, so if it was so important, why didn't she try to call the house? anyway, I also asked him if they joked around sexually, and he admitted that they had. this is a common thing that happens between all the couples that get togther at her house, they don't flirt sexually with the other mates, but comments are made in a group, just off the wall joking. Angie is the worst and she says things around everyone including me, anything can be said and she will start laughing and turn it into a sexual joke, it isn't always just towards my husband, she does this about everything. I have been with them on jobs and she has made these comments to the other workers too. My husband said that I have joined in on the joking with the group. But still, I asked my husband how he would feel if he found out that Bryan and I had been joking sexually together w/o him and Angie around or anyone else, if he would be hurt by this and if he thought it was appropriate, and he said that it would be wrong, and it would hurt him, and that he hadn't looked at it that way, that there is joking going on when we are all together and it carries over when they are driving to jobs, he said it is usually conversations about something that was said by the group. I said This is still wrong and I would not do this alone with Bryan. I also flat out asked him if anything sexual had ever happened between them, even a kiss, and he said no. I said, you promise, he looked me in the eyes and said yes, I promise. I said, do you swear nothing has happened, he said yes, I swear, and I told him that he could be completely honest with me. I told him that emotional affairs could be even more damaging to a relationship than physical, that he was using his emotional energy on her instead of me, and that it had damaged our relationship and that it needed to stop and she needed to be relying on her husband not mine for emotional support. He told me that he had pretty much stopped confiding in her when I had mentioned that it hurt me before, but that she continually uses him for support and that he doesn't know what to do because he needs this job, and if he pisses her off he could lose it. He agreed that she was being obsessive with the calls and emotional need for him. We did not argue, he did not blame me or deny anything, he was not defensive, our voices were not even raised during the entire conversation. He thanked me for being so intuative and realizing something that he didn't even realize was actually happening and didn't realize how much it was hurting our relationship. He told me that he Loves me with all his heart and never wants to lose me. I did not feel that I was being deceived during our conversation, he was honest and upfront about everything that I asked, and did not deny that they had joked or that she was attractive. As for the calling her as soon as he left the house, he swore that he did not go to her house, but couldn't explain why he felt the need to call her once he had left, he said that he didn't purposely leave to call her, he had told me before we found out that he had to go get some things at the store. This happened 7 months ago, and we have been through alot since then, so I didn't really push this, I just told him that it really hurt me and that it had damaged my trust in him, and made me suspicious of their relationship. And I reminded him of a time when my mom had a heart attack and I called him, and he was at work on a job, and left immediately to come comfort me, and that I was the one who needed him to be running to, not her. What do you all think? Would you believe him, or still be weary? I have to be honest with myself and realize that I have actually put myself in a similiar relationship, and I too thought it was harmless. This was when I was divorced, before I got involved with Jim. I was the only female at my place of employment and the 2 guys there, one married, one single,( but had just ended a very bad relationship) They had opened up the business together as second income, and had other full-time jobs. Bob had to do this because his wife was sick, and couldn't work, he was stressed out mentally and financially--they would confide in me about their relationships and problems, and we would also joke around off color. Such as I bent over to pick things up and they would say, don't do that you're turning me on. But they would say the same thing to each other, and we would crack up. I just felt like "one of the guys" Or if I had been on my knees cleaning something the single guy would comment What were you doing on your knees? Things like that. Never once did either of these guys proposition me to actually have sex or anything else with them, we were just friends, and yes they were both very good looking guys, but never did it cross my mind to actually sleep with either of them, and I don't think they thought of me that way either, but we were emotionally involved, we confided everything to each other, and I did care for both of them, and it was comforting, and Bob was married, and it was wrong of me to sit with him and talk about his problems. But I did not realize this at the time, but when Jim and I got together I completely stopped talking to them like that. I actually stopped working with them completely, because I confided in Jim before we were serious that I had that type of relationship with both of them, and I had no desire or need to discuss those things with them once Jim and I were together. So I do see how you can believe that something is innocent and not realize that it is not. I had to have been taking emotional energy away from Bob's realtionship with his wife, but I thought of it as helping him by giving him someone to talk to, and I needed to help him. Bob and Carol are now divorced, this happened 2 years after I stopped working for him. she left him, after she got well. He had told me that they had problems but he loved her with all his heart and would never leave her. But obviously she felt like he already had. And it is probably likely that after I stopped working with him, he found someone else to confide in. This is another reason that I want to get this taken care of in my relationship, because I don't want to end up divorced, I love my husband and do not want to lose him ever. I want to talk about everything and trust him. I don't want him emotionally connected to someone else. My marriage is not hopeless, and I don't want it to end, I want to be his best friend and Lover, and I am trying to get well, but it is so hard with this fear that I am going to lose him to her eventually, without him even realizing that it is happening. I am most likely going to ask advice from you all about what my friend should do to in another thread. Thanks to everyone who has helped me, Nikki





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