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I need some advice, from strangers because I don't want to confide this to anyone else. I have been married for 3 years. And in the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful, we both had good jobs and loved spending time together then I got sick. I have MS and it has hit me so hard that I do not have the complete use of my right arm and cannot work anymore. My husband took on 2 jobs one full time one part time. Well the p/t job is for a woman that was friends with his f/t boss and now my husband and her travel together, and she has confided way too many personal things in my husband, and I suspect that he has done the same. I know that he is working his butt off to support me and pay for my medial bills. and when I ? their relationship he throws this in my face and says there is nothing going on. But we frequently get together with her, her husband and several other people from my husbands f/t job, and her and my husband are always joking together. she will slap his shoulder if he says something goofy. He seems completely at home at her house and knows where everything is. and she continually complains about her husbands shortcomings in front of us and him. She is the breadwinner in the family. She calls my husband several times a day, on his cell phone, even when we are home. Everytime she has a crisis she calls him. Several month ago her sister was in an accident and she called my husbands cell repeatedly, and then when he finally called back , her husband answered her cell phone and said she was sleeping and that he was on his way out the door to work. My husband said tell her that we will call her later tonight. then about 20 minutes later my husband said he had to go to the store. I looked at the clock and it said 10:20, we keep it 5 minutes fast. He came back an hour later, I checked his cell phone and it showed he called her at 10:18. As soon as he got out the door he called her, and most likely went to her house to comfort her. I confronted him, and he said that he didn't go over there. I asked him why he called her as soon as he walked out the door, he said that it just came to mind while he was driving to the store. Yeah, right. My husband insists there is nothing going on. and I don't know that there is sexually, but I know that there is emotionally. Both of them are in stressful finacial situations and there is stress in both marriages, mine because I am sick and can't work or be much of a "fun" spouse right now, and hers because she is trying to support their family and is resentful of her husband and his 3 kids that she is supporting. There is much more to the story, other lies that I have caught and inappropiete jestures, that I will alaborate more on later. Please, what do you all think of this. If he stops working for her we lose alot of money, and also there are 4-5 different couples that get together every other weekend and are kids are all friends and I look forward to spending time with them (this is the only interaction I have with other people) and this would stop completely because we always meet at this womans house. So for me to insist that he completely stop seeing her would mean that I lose all my friends too, and that we will not be able to pay our bills. Him getting a different p/t job is not really an option, she pays him $500.00 a day, this is $100.00 less than what he makes all week at his f/t job, HELP:( Nikki
Nikki-
An emotional affair can be as painful as a sexual affair. I think that affairs of the heart run deeper than just the physical lust of a one night stand. As far as you & your hubby's relationship issues....you need to realize that you both are mourning the loss of your "healthy" self. You've lost a big part of YOU since you have become sick. Your MS is a big part of who you are right now but it doesn't define YOU. You are still that wonderful person that you were before your symptoms reared their ugly heads! I'm going through the same thing although my illness is just Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I ache & long for that woman who had the energy to have a spotless house, haul kids & their friends all over, cook, volunteer, have huge family dinners, etc...etc...etc...! Right now I'm seeing a therapist for depression & I have told her that it seems like every time I get really down I think my hubby's running around on me. She explained it that at these times my self worth is so diminished that I start questioning why he would even want me...I don't keep a spotless house, I rarely cook, he does most of the grocery shopping & on & on & on. All thoughts like these are very harmful to us & they make our conditions even worse. Cognitive therapy is a must practice for people with a low self esteem to get better! If we don't love ourselves the way we are, how can anyone else love us?
I, like you, had a very healthy appetite for sex before I got sick. Now he's lucky if he gets it twice a month. I must admit there have been times that he bugs me so much for it that I kind of wish he'd just go get a hooker. Of course I don't mean it but I think it anyway!
It would be a good idea if you & hubby would go to a support group for MS or one for dealing with the loss of health. If hubby doesn't want to go at first, that's fine. It would help you be able to cope with your illness better & that would help both of you.
You guys have such a strain on your marriage with your illness, his bosses lack of consideration to let your hubby enjoy his free time with you & your financial difficulties. Do you think he could talk to her & see if she could start limiting her phone calls to business only if she absolutely MUST call him on nights & weekends? It's fine for her to use him as a sounding board at work but it's really crappy of her to occupy his time when he could be cuddled up on the couch with you!
The Arthritis Foundation has an article online about changing sexual positions so that it will alleviate pain in the joints. I wonder if this could benefit you with your MS? Have you talked to your Dr. about your lack of sex drive or the pain that goes along with having sex? Maybe hubby could give you a nice, warm message before & after? As far as the financial burden that goes along with your MS, do you have insurance through your hubby's FT job? Would going to a credit counselor help if there was a way to consolidate your Dr & hospital bills on one low interest rate card or something? Would you consider filing bankruptcy? There are all kinds of things to consider just to get your life running smoothly again.
It sounds like you've got a good man but he sounds as frustrated as you are. Sometimes men just click with women friends more than males. Remember he needs someone to talk to also. You use this board & he may be confiding in his boss. He sounds like he is very worried about you & he probably doesn't want to let you know as to add more to your plate.
How did your DR. visit go? Any new ideas for your pain?
Good luck to you! I hope I helped you.
Leelee, wow your response was so wonderful and understanding. I am sorry that you have Fibro & CFS, I also have a diagnosis from earlier before the MS diag. So I understand the fatigue and body aches that you are going through. When I was diagnosed with the Fibro 7 years ago I went to a pain managment clinic and to a therapist to try adjust to that, and I did get completely better. Basically what happened to me was my first husband just one day came home and said he wanted a divorce. He admitted he was seeing someone and wanted to be with her, give me everything and have nothing to do with our son. It caught me completely off guard, and once I really thought about it. I told him NO. that he wasn't just gonna walk out and leave all responsibility behind. He picked our son up from school because I worked in San Jose and it took me 1 1/2 to get home at night, and he would have to continue doing that, plus he was coaching Little League, and our mortgage was more than I made a month, anyway, this lady was an office manager at his place of employment, so he got a tranfer and we moved 3000 miles away. I never could get over the deception and it made me sick, and I am pretty sure that he continued his cheating with someone else once we moved here. So this is what made me sick in the beginning. Once completely well, I satrted living again and felt really good. Then I get remarried and get MS, go figure!! So I already have beren cheated on by my 1st husband with a coworker, so that makes it hard to trust, and I know this stress is making me sicker. As for Ins, I have to have private ins that I pay completely out of pocket because my husbands company only has 6 employees, and for me to be on his ins is $600.00 a month. My ins is really bad though, but still has lower deducts than his, and we do not have counseling or physical therapy available through our ins either. so I cannot do either of those, it's really stupid, and since I have a pre-existing medical condition now I can't switch to better ins. Thank you for all the advice that you offered, it has been very helpful, I have to go get kids from school, will check back later, please keep in touch, sincerely, Nikki
FLGirlie, I feel the same way that you do about the situation, before yesterday I was going crazy not knowing exactly what was going on. I pretty much knew that they were basically having an emotional affair, but couldn't figure out if there was more. I spent the day with a friend yesterday, she went with me to the doctor, and then she spent hours confiding in me that she wanted a divorce and suspected that her husband is cheating on her. I gave her the day and did not mention what I suspected was going on in my own relationship. She has basically lost all emotion for her husband, and him for her to, there is nothing left to give, and she doesn't want to try to fix it, this is the third time that he has had an affair. He admitted to the first 2, the second only admitting to phone sex and flirting, but UGH, that is still cheating. He had also metioned to her that the woman had boosted his ego and made him feel good about himself, and that was the initial attraction. After she confided in me about how her husband treats her and how mean he is to her, it gave me the courage I had been trying to find to sit down with my husband and really talk to him about his situation with his boss. I know that by my husbands actions towards me at home that he loves me and is very worried about my health. But at the same time he feels helpless because he cannot "fix" my problems. He is the type of guy that will help anyone, he's easy to talk to and people call him alot for advice and for repair work. When I sat him down and rationally explained to him how I felt and opened his eyes to the fact that his relationship with her was hurting ours. I started by asking him ?'s about their talks and their time together, and then tried opening his eyes to the fact that even though he didn't see it this way, that it had become an emotional affair. I pointed out the deceptions and the touchy slaps and her looks towards him. I asked him if he agreed with me, that it could be considered an emotional affair, and he said, now that you have talked with me and explained things to me I see, that yes, it is an emotional affair. I asked him point blank if he was sexually attracted to her. he said that he wasn't going to lie--that she was an attractive woman, but that he didn't have in his mind that he would ever persue anything sexually with her. he said that the emotional need was there but had become more her needing his comfort than him needing hers. But actually if you really think about it he needs her to confide in him so he can help her with her problems, because he cannot fix me. I told him that it this was damaging our relationship, just as much as if he was having a sexual affair with her. I told him that the deception has made it hard for me to trust him, and I asked him why he deceived me, and he said that he knew that him being with her made me uncomfortable and it is his job and he cannot avoid it, so he left out the facts. I also told him that he needs to stop being her crutch, that she needs to stop calling him about every little thing. She called him 3 times last night on his cell phone, but he didn't answer the phone. He said that it was because they have a job to do today and she put the materials in the back of his truck while he was gone on another job, and that she is a spaz and worries about everything, and had left a message on his v-mail asking if everything was there that he needed, and he hadn't returned her call. This could be true, I know she is always stressing about making sure that all the material is taken to a job. She did not attempt to reach him on the home phone even though he did not answer his cell though, so if it was so important, why didn't she try to call the house? anyway, I also asked him if they joked around sexually, and he admitted that they had. this is a common thing that happens between all the couples that get togther at her house, they don't flirt sexually with the other mates, but comments are made in a group, just off the wall joking. Angie is the worst and she says things around everyone including me, anything can be said and she will start laughing and turn it into a sexual joke, it isn't always just towards my husband, she does this about everything. I have been with them on jobs and she has made these comments to the other workers too. My husband said that I have joined in on the joking with the group. But still, I asked my husband how he would feel if he found out that Bryan and I had been joking sexually together w/o him and Angie around or anyone else, if he would be hurt by this and if he thought it was appropriate, and he said that it would be wrong, and it would hurt him, and that he hadn't looked at it that way, that there is joking going on when we are all together and it carries over when they are driving to jobs, he said it is usually conversations about something that was said by the group. I said This is still wrong and I would not do this alone with Bryan. I also flat out asked him if anything sexual had ever happened between them, even a kiss, and he said no. I said, you promise, he looked me in the eyes and said yes, I promise. I said, do you swear nothing has happened, he said yes, I swear, and I told him that he could be completely honest with me. I told him that emotional affairs could be even more damaging to a relationship than physical, that he was using his emotional energy on her instead of me, and that it had damaged our relationship and that it needed to stop and she needed to be relying on her husband not mine for emotional support. He told me that he had pretty much stopped confiding in her when I had mentioned that it hurt me before, but that she continually uses him for support and that he doesn't know what to do because he needs this job, and if he pisses her off he could lose it. He agreed that she was being obsessive with the calls and emotional need for him. We did not argue, he did not blame me or deny anything, he was not defensive, our voices were not even raised during the entire conversation. He thanked me for being so intuative and realizing something that he didn't even realize was actually happening and didn't realize how much it was hurting our relationship. He told me that he Loves me with all his heart and never wants to lose me. I did not feel that I was being deceived during our conversation, he was honest and upfront about everything that I asked, and did not deny that they had joked or that she was attractive. As for the calling her as soon as he left the house, he swore that he did not go to her house, but couldn't explain why he felt the need to call her once he had left, he said that he didn't purposely leave to call her, he had told me before we found out that he had to go get some things at the store. This happened 7 months ago, and we have been through alot since then, so I didn't really push this, I just told him that it really hurt me and that it had damaged my trust in him, and made me suspicious of their relationship. And I reminded him of a time when my mom had a heart attack and I called him, and he was at work on a job, and left immediately to come comfort me, and that I was the one who needed him to be running to, not her. What do you all think? Would you believe him, or still be weary? I have to be honest with myself and realize that I have actually put myself in a similiar relationship, and I too thought it was harmless. This was when I was divorced, before I got involved with Jim. I was the only female at my place of employment and the 2 guys there, one married, one single,( but had just ended a very bad relationship) They had opened up the business together as second income, and had other full-time jobs. Bob had to do this because his wife was sick, and couldn't work, he was stressed out mentally and financially--they would confide in me about their relationships and problems, and we would also joke around off color. Such as I bent over to pick things up and they would say, don't do that you're turning me on. But they would say the same thing to each other, and we would crack up. I just felt like "one of the guys" Or if I had been on my knees cleaning something the single guy would comment What were you doing on your knees? Things like that. Never once did either of these guys proposition me to actually have sex or anything else with them, we were just friends, and yes they were both very good looking guys, but never did it cross my mind to actually sleep with either of them, and I don't think they thought of me that way either, but we were emotionally involved, we confided everything to each other, and I did care for both of them, and it was comforting, and Bob was married, and it was wrong of me to sit with him and talk about his problems. But I did not realize this at the time, but when Jim and I got together I completely stopped talking to them like that. I actually stopped working with them completely, because I confided in Jim before we were serious that I had that type of relationship with both of them, and I had no desire or need to discuss those things with them once Jim and I were together. So I do see how you can believe that something is innocent and not realize that it is not. I had to have been taking emotional energy away from Bob's realtionship with his wife, but I thought of it as helping him by giving him someone to talk to, and I needed to help him. Bob and Carol are now divorced, this happened 2 years after I stopped working for him. she left him, after she got well. He had told me that they had problems but he loved her with all his heart and would never leave her. But obviously she felt like he already had. And it is probably likely that after I stopped working with him, he found someone else to confide in. This is another reason that I want to get this taken care of in my relationship, because I don't want to end up divorced, I love my husband and do not want to lose him ever. I want to talk about everything and trust him. I don't want him emotionally connected to someone else. My marriage is not hopeless, and I don't want it to end, I want to be his best friend and Lover, and I am trying to get well, but it is so hard with this fear that I am going to lose him to her eventually, without him even realizing that it is happening. I am most likely going to ask advice from you all about what my friend should do to in another thread. Thanks to everyone who has helped me, Nikki
Oh no, I didnt mean to make you self concious over the legnth of your post! I've talked my hind legs off on these boards many times, that's what they're there for and thank God for them, they've gotten me through some dark times let me tell you!

When is this company party on? And his other work phone, is there any way you can get your hands on the phone records for that phone? Because you can be pretty sure that's the phone she'll be calling him on during the day, especially if she knows it doesn’t come home with him.. I think it may be important to figure out what's going on on that phone, because if she suddenly starts calling him all the time on the phone that dosent come home you'll know she's being deliberatly devious, and if she was that'd be something you ought to know about.

I had a situation a while back where an ex of my bf's was calling him at all hours of the day and night and I had a good-ol unapologetic snoop through his phone. All I can say is it's amazing what you can gather by looking through a mobile phone! All of the text messages were from her, not to her; and in his call history all of the calls showing her number were coming into his phone, not going out of it, so there was no need to call in the FBI to figure out who was chasing who! I took matters into my own hands by calling her directly and telling her she'd better steer clear if she'd any desire to hold onto her hair, lol, but of course this is not the way to go in your more complicated situation. She actually reported me to the police, lol, I'm not sure exactly why but I got a good laugh outta that!
Laylah, no way to get ahold of the business phone records. and he NEVER brings that phone home with him. What is kind of different about the situation is that she can without his other boss suspecting anything call my husband only on the business phone, but she choses to call him on his personal cell, and if she doesn't get him during business hours then she will call the business cell. she could just call his business cell all the time and I would never know, so it's not like she has been trying to hide the fact that she calls him all the time, and he doesn't delete her calls off his phone either. This is another reason that I am so confused about the relationship. There are too many contradictions on both their parts. It would seem innocent, but then again not. What really is the kicker is that she always calls him when she has a personal crisis, not just a work crisis, this is crossing the line. I am worried that it will continue on his business cell. he could also go out and get one of this pre-paid cells and she could call him on it too, and I would never know, that is if there is actually more going on than I realize. there are so many ways that people can get around being caught. Especially in the type of job he has where he is not in an office, he is driving all over to different jobs all day. One thing that I have been doing the past month is writing down when he calls me, and I am going to check the cell statement to see where the calls originated from. it says on the calls what town the tower used is in. so if he calls me from our hometown and says he's still out of town working late, then it will show that he called from in town. Now if I get the statement and it shows that he used a local tower he will be busted for saying he was out of town working late, when he was really here in town. Understand? He has no idea that I get the cell statements with all calls and locations sent to me by e-mail, so he won't know that I am checking to make sure that he is where he says he is. So the cell can also be a little tracking device if you want to use it that way!! I have even gone so far as to call him and hang up when he answers to get him to call me back, so it will show what tower he is using at that moment. I just say that the call was lost, when he calls back. then I ask innocently if he is still out of town and when will he be back, like because I want to know if I should start cooking dinner or what. I started doing this recently because when I looked at last months statement I noticed that he would call her right around 5pm when he is normally suppose to get off his regular job, and on a few of those days he didn't call me until 5:30-5:40 and say that he had just left work, or even that he was just leaving a job OOT, but I couldn't be certain that those were the right days because it had happened a month before, so now I've been writing it down so I can compare and see where he really is. I hope that I am making way to much out of this than is really going on. I have trust issues from being dupped before and I could just be sabotaging a good relationship all on my own. Nikki
Hi,

I went through something very similar 3 years ago. My husband was having a "Emotional affair" with his Dental assistant. He still today swears to me nothing ever got sexual, even though I don't know that I'll ever believe him. I was suspicious for a while, and like you I would ask and he would insist I was crazy or over being jealous over nothing. However, the down side for me is I NEVER KNEW he was talking with her over the cell phone. What tipped me was our Cell phone company had sent us an email regarding the change to our plan, and I logged on for the first time ever to "our" online statement and was amazed at the $300 bill... Of course I then started looking at call details and saw the same numbers over & over. Her home & cell number. I then started going back month by month and discovered it was 9 months worth.

He claims she started the calling (which in the first month or so she did do all the calling, but then he started returning the calls) Because we had two small children I agreed to counseling to try & save our marriage. I learned he felt sorry for her at first because she would tell him how terrible her husband was to her.. However, she was telling him how perfect he was...

Needless to say 3 years later we are still together, but I must be honest the "Trust" still not there completely.

I agree with the other's recomendations you need to research your cell phone records, and you can even track the data use if texting was involved. If he's on the cell with her daily then he's "Cheating" which is exactly what my husband did!! Don't ever let him convince you other wise or make you feel it was your fault! That's what I struggled with for about the first year... Now I'm just angry and trying to get through it.

I wish you the best with what ever you decide to do. :angel:
To, everyone that has posted over the weekend, thank you all for the advice. My husabnd called me a little while ago telling me that he realizes what has happened and that he talked to Angie and that he told her that they had become too emotionally attached and she said that she agreed and that her and Bryan had been having similair discussions about what was going on. Jim told her that they needed to stop confiding in each other and confide in their spouses instead and he said that she agreed that she had become to dependant emotionally upon him. He told me that he Loves me with all his heart and soul and that he let all the financial pressures cause him to become emotionally detached from me, and that Angie was the only one that he could confide in, that understood. I honestly don't think that he even realized what was going on until I opened his eyes. He started crying and told me that he never wants to lose me that I am his soul mate and that he is so sorry that he hurt me. Infortunately last night when we were talking and he admitted that he was having an "emotional affair" with her my son was listening at the door, and this morning my son was devestated and wouldn't go to school. It was almost 1 am when we were talking, and we were not yelling, I had no idea he was outside our bedroom door. We have a very small room and our bed is close to the door, so you hear everything. I am so upset that he heard us. He is devastated that Jim would do this. Now I have to deal with this to, I don't know how Aaron will react to Jim now. Aaron asked me, why can't Jim see what he is doing? He said "I can see it, why can't he?" I told him, this is not for him to be concerned with and it will be alright. And he said' Yeah, but Mom, that is how you two started out, he started talking to you and helping you through a hard divorce and then you guys ended up together. But I see now that this has affected my son, who deeply loves Jim and calls him Dad. He's afraid now that Jim will want to marry Angie since he is confiding in her about our problems. I have to go for now. thanks to all and I will get back later! Nikki
Hi Nikki- How old is your son? I'm so sorry that had to happen. The little stinker;) . I'm wondering if he doesn't know the difference between an emotional affair & a sexual affair? Did you try to explain that to him? Maybe you could just let him know that sometimes men & women can have a completely innocent friendship with the opposite sex & it stays just that, a friendship. When things aren't going well in that person's marriage, whether it be an illness in the family, a financial situation, or just having to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, it's understandable that the person will confide somethings to that friend at work. It may start with just innocent comments about what they did with their families over the weekend to what their spouse cooked for dinner. As the friendship lasts & they get a little more comfortable in that friendship, they might start to share details which are better said to that person's spouse or a professional counselor. You might explain to your son that since you have a lot on your mind just trying to get healthy, Jim had concerns that he didn't want to share with you in fear that it might make your illness worse. Have you explained to your son how long you & his father were apart before you & Jim became serious? Does he know that his father had been unfaithful to you during your marriage? I know it wouldn't be good to run down your ex to try to make him understand but if you could remind him how long you were separated with the intent to divorce, that may help. I'm just grasping at straws trying to think of something to help you. You & I both know that sometimes a brief answer to an important question may not be good enough to put our minds at ease. Your son may need to hear the whole truth to help him understand what's going on.
Again, I'm so sorry that your situation has this whole new twist to address but I'm so happy that you & Jim had a really great talk. Hang in there Nikki!
chill, thanks for your advice, OMG now I'm gonna throw some more fuel on the fire, let me know what you all think! As I mentioned in an earlier post I am not only dealing with me hub's "Em. Af" but my best friend confided in me last week that she suspects that her hub. is having a sexual affair. this is his 3rd time and she has had it and is leaving the realtionship. But for now I and others have advised her to not say anything to him until she can get temporary orders, she couldn't get an appt until next week. But she has been being open with me about what she has gone through and her suspicions. Which I do want to be there for her and I am grateful that she trusts me enough to confide in me. But it is opening doors to my own suspicions about my hub. and making me ? other things he has done that I didn't ? before, or just blew off to other things. As you know I am conflicted and have been screwed over before and have a very hard time trusting. Anyway, my friend told me this morning 2 things. 1--When she came home last weekend from OOT at her parents (she was gone for a week) she found their sheets in the dirty clothes and the house was cleaner than she had left it. Well, this could be normal and considerate of a man, but not her man. In the 20 years of marriage he has never once changed the sheets or cleaned the house. this is a major red flag. when she asked him she did it nonchalantly--He asked her what she was doing, she said the laundry, she matter of factly said, oh I see you changed the sheets, he clammed up and changed the subject and started giving her a bad time about dinner not being ready 2--last night he said he needed to get something out of his truck, and she went outside and he was gone, when he returned he told her he went to get gas. He does this alot, but says that he is driving around listening to football on the radio. RIGHT!! We believe that he called his OW. Probably by payphone. OK, here is hwta is bothering me. Last Jan. My son and I went OOT for 4 days and when I came back and went to get in bed I noticed that my pillowcase was on his pillow and his on mine. I noticed this because they are Taupe and his is darker because of his oily skin, and when I asked why is my pillowcase on your pillow, he said that he washed the sheets so that I would come home to clean sheets. We have several different sets, but he washed that set and put them back on. If I had not noticed the pillowcases I would not have known that he did this. I tried not to make anything out of it because my husband is a neat freak, on the weekends he makes the bed while I am in the shower, he hates for the bed to not be made, he also helps with housework certain things he actually likes to do, make the bed, vacuum, do the laundry) When we first got married I would get offended because he would just do these things and I felt like I wasn't doing things good enough. Now I have come to realize, he just likes to do them. So did he honestly wash the sheets just for me? I don't know. The second thing--I drive a truck, my husband a car, but my son wants to drive the car in the afternoons after school, so I have for the past week asked my husband to switch vehicles with me. A few days ago (after I confronted him about the early morning calls with Angie) he went out and thoroughly cleaned the truck, lifting up the seats and everythign, and then he commented about how he never realized that the center console lifts up and there is a compartment under it that is the size of a laptop. Was he looking for a tape recorder or some other device that I had planted in my truck while he was using it? I did not do this and hadn't even thought of doing it. But he did really ? why I would want to drive the POS car instead of my truck, and it was honestly because of my son request to use the car after school. My truck is just too big for him since he just started driving last month. My husband had my truck each of the mornings that Angie called him and I think he was worried that I put a recorder or something in there. But then again, he cleaned the truck in front of me, not hiding it from me, So am I just making nothing out of something? OK, I'm in Hell again!!! Nikki
Dear, dear Nikki, I'm so sorry you're riding on this roller coaster of emotions. You really want to believe Jim & I know how tough it is when these new elements keep getting thrown in! My husband sounds a lot like Jim, they could be twins in fact, & he likes everything neatly in it's place. He's also a damn hard worker & takes pride in providing a nice income for us.
About the sheets-you being gone for only 4 days shouldn't make Jim want to make them fresh again for you & I feel he may have been hiding something. Haven said that, I'll give you a spin on what my husband has done & you can see if this could be Jim's thinking too. About 4 years ago, I was gone for about a week visiting my parents. When I called my husband the day I was to return home he said that he was busy making the house beautiful again because he had been so busy working in the yard that it got trashed from him just coming in & putting tools & things all over. When I got home, the house was immaculate even down to our sheets being freshly laundered which he made the point of telling me. I was concerned but thought that if he had been sneaking someone over, he would have not told me that he changed the sheets. However, in the past when I had suspicions, I would make a mark on the corner of the sheet somewhere out of sight by using a safety pin or a little dot of red lipstick. At a time that I felt secure that he wouldn't hurt me for anything by bringing a woman into our home, I told him about my little test. So I think he wanted to tell me about washing the sheets because if I had found out like you had, I would have suspected him again.
As far as cleaning the truck out right in front of you. I don't think that's out of the norm if he drives that truck to work. My husband has so much junk in his truck (it's a work vehicle so I'd never borrow it for something) that he needs for work that he'd have to clean it out before someone else drove it.
Your friend's husband is definitely messing around on her & you gave her good, strong advice about laying low until she can see the judge or whoever.
I think because you've gone through this before with your ex, it may make you suspicious when you need not be. But I do agree with chill200, if your gut is telling you some thing's wrong, something may be going on. I think that you should wait & watch like I'm doing with my husband. We both have men that can be absolutely wonderful to us so once we get past this little hiccup in life things may be good for us again. I think you have to think of the worse case scenario, if Jim is having an affair with the boss & doesn't stop, you're going to find out eventually if you keep your eyes & ears open. If he's had an affair with her & he stopped it last week by talking to her I think your marriage could be salvaged. You just have to listen to your heart.
BTW, posting on this site is kind of like a journal in it's self. While you're writing things down other events are going to break through to the surface like you remembering the sheet thing. Also talking to your friend about her situation is going to keep you second guessing Jim. That can be good & bad but knowing you through this post & the challenges you are facing with MS makes me worry that you could wind up putting yourself in the hospital. Maybe taking a little breather for at least a few days will help you get more perspective on your relationship with Jim. In fact, that's why I haven't updated my post. Some strange things have been going on with my husband & I've been writing them down but not on this post. I've talked with him about the gun cabinet keys & suddenly, the next day, he remembered where they were & took me downstairs to prove to me that there was nothing in there. Funny thing is, he didn't unlock the bottom storage area, acted like it didn't exist probably thinking that I'm too drugged up to notice. There I go, posting on your thread, shame on me. Anyway, take good care Nikki. Sounds like you're a smart, sophisticated lady that won't give up until you know the bottom of it!
Leelee, I did call him this morning at 7am, I woke him up, he said that he didn't sleep well because Frank was snoring all night. he asked me if I could hear Frank snoring and I said no. He said that he needed to go and wake the other guys up and get going, that he had set the alarm for 6:30 but had fallen back to sleep, and thanked me for waking him up. Oh and last night he made no attemt at the phone sex thing, even though he said that Frank had went out. From the minute I started talking to him he was complaining about how tired he was and talking about work and my illness. Then he said that he needed to go, and I said why is Frank back in the room. He said no, that he was just tired and wanted to go to sleep. I said, but I want to talk to you. I said I wish that when we talked togther it wasn't always about work, bills and my illness. that we could enjoy conversations together like we used to, and he said , well, there's just so much on my mind all the time. I worry constantly about these things. I kept trying to keep our conversation going, but the entire attemp was my part, not his. He kept yahning. I will read your post and comment after I meet with my friend this morning. Her husband put a major kink in her plans yesterday and scared the crap out of her. She had her password changedon her personal checking acct. but the bank screwed up and changed it on their joint CA and her husband went on-line at work and tried to look at the account and he was locked out. He left work immediately and called her from their house wondering where she was. she said that her and I were going out to grab some lunch, and he said that he wanted to go with us. He also took today off. And she has an appt. with the lawyer at 8:30 this morning and he is suppose to get served with Temporary papers today, but it wasn't suppose to happen until this eveneing, because he works at a plant they are unable to serve him at work. SOOO now she is freaking because he decided to stay home from work today and she cannot get things together at her house before he gets served. Poor girl, she came over here at 7:15 this morning, she has to take her daughter to school this morning and then she is going to the lawyers office and then back here to hide from him,because she doesn't have an excuse for not coming right back home after dropping her daughter off at school, OH, this has turned into such a mess for her!! Justa little too much drama in my life right now!! Nikki
[QUOTE=nikki92;3263130]Well, I finally got the cell phone statement e-mailed to me, and I am definately glad that Jim is OOT tonight. I have been going over it for 2 hours now. And I can barely type my hands are shaking so bad. There is 344 minutes of calls to and from Angie in one month. 68 calls all together 36 of them he made to her! and I thought she was the one constantly calling him. These are just the cell phone calls on his personal phone, I have no way of looking at his work cell phone calls and this doesn't include any time that they talked face to face. Out of the entire month only one call was made on a weekend all the rest were made when he is at work. and quite a few of them are made right around 5pm, his normal time to get off work if they are not OOT. there are calls that are as long as 40 minutes, most of them are between 5-15 though. He tells me all the time that he doesn't have time to talk to me while he is at work.[/QUOTE]

Ouch! Looks like Jim has been caught redhanded there. If that's his personal phone I couldn't imagine what his work one is like. I think I would be pretty pissed if my husband claimed to have no time to talk to me at work but could call her on his way home or whenever.

[QUOTE=nikki92;3263130]It also has bothered me for some time that he takes a shower before he mows the lawn. He always needs to go get gas or something first. So he is either meeting her somewhere or calling her on a pay phone, there's no way that they are talking this much on the weekdays and not the weekend too. I am so sick, I just want to pack my s*** and leave right now! We just sold our old SUV for 3500.00 2 days ago and he put the cash in his drawer. I actually went and took it out and contemplated leaving, and when I counted it there is only $3200.00 there. I would like to know where the other 300.00 went![/QUOTE]

Oh nikki! I would be feeling the same thing you are hon!

[QUOTE=nikki92;3263130]Somebody please tell me what you think. after everything that I have posted is there still a chance that he isn't cheating on me with her? I did also notice that everyone that he knows has their name in his phone, as soon as he gets a # he puts their name in so it shows their name when they call, even the new guy at work as soon as he started, Jim put his name in the phone, but Angies is not in there it is still just her number, after 1 1/2 years of her calling she is the only one that is not personalized. this sounds like guilt to me, he doesn't want his cell to say Angie.[/QUOTE]

Honestly, something isn't adding up. The way Jim and Angie acted when you went out of town was just not right. She seemed to be going out of her way to rub whatever it is she has with Jim in your face. I'm sure she knows exactly how you feel and is doing her best to make you feel threatened by her. The worst part, Jim is sitting back and allowing her to act that way. There is just no excuse for his behavior in the vehicle. He could have turned down the cd to talk to you. He could have found a way to include you in the conversation. He could have walked out of the home he was locking up while she looked at "trim colors" instead of hanging in there for 10 minutes doing God knows what. And coming home right behind Angie looking clean? That would have my radar going.

Something isn't adding up Nikki! I was all for giving Jim the benefit of the doubt until your post about the out of town trip. Something is just [I]REALLY[/I] off here. I wish there were a way for you to know what is going on when he is out of town. I really get a bad feeling there is more to the story. I hope I'm wrong, but he just didn't act like a man who was sorry for an emotional affair. He seems to be more like a man who is still hiding something. Sorry! :(
Happy mom, thanks for your comments and advice. I guess I am just grabbing for hope now. I know that 344 minutes to his Regular Boss could be justified, but He usually only does 1-2 jobs for her a month. last month he did 3, so I jsut don't see any reason why she needs to call him so much. And now I know that it is not just her. It could be possible that he is calling her back after a missed call or her leaving a v-mail, there are some days that the calls from her are only a minute long and then when he calls her later they are longer. he says that she is always calling because she freaks out about everything being ordered right and done perfectly. He says she has anxiety problems. Oh BOO HOO, and I don't now? Confronting him about all the calls, is this a good idea. I want to sit back and stay quiet, but it is seriously making me sicker! I cannot help but be negative about the situation. But I am trying to act like I am less sick and be more fun and happy, but this is a serious act, that I am doing because I honestly Love this man and so does my son. I don't want to be w/o him, and there is absolutely no way that I can work, I have progressively gotten worse the last year, and it has been because of the worry over Angie. I cannot get well dealing with this, but I cannot get away from it either. and I know the next ? for me will be--well can you go live with your parents. NO, they live 3500 miles away, my step Dad hates kids, He loves my son as long as he is not around, and me too. But he is this way with everyone ,he is disabled, they live in a 2 b-room 1 bath house and my sd's father lives with them because he is blind and cannot take care of himself. My mom spends all her time taking care of both of them. When I do go visit I stay in a motel. they are poor and cannot help me. My mom hates her life and would like to get out of it too. My SD is mean and critical and he will not let her come visit me here. She has never even seen my house. I have one step-brother who is single and in the process of moving to florida. I never talk to him, I don't even know his address or p-#. And all my G-parents are dead. I have one Aunt that I have not seen since I was 11. I don't even know where she lives. I think that covers everyone!!
As for the 3500, that we got for the old SUV, we had found a car for the same price and found a buyer for the SUV and 2 days before we were to sell the SUV and buy the car, some crank case or something cracked on the SUV and we had to get it fixed, we didn't want to lose the car so we wrote a convenience check off our Credit card. I have to put the 3500 back towards the CC debt. that's why I don't know why Jim took 300.00 out of it and didn't tell me.
I really want to show Bryan the cell bill and ask him what he thinks about Jim and Angies relationship, but I am afraid to say anything to Bryan, plus if I meet Bryan somewhere or talk to him they could start accusing us of cheating. Believe me I have no desire to be with another man. I don't even look at them. Jim just called me, Frank is definately with him because he was saying things to me loudly while Jim was talking to me.He said they would be back in town around 7 And I made sure that he has no way home but for one of his co-workers to drop him off. so he cannot get into town earlier and go see Angie. I feel like a frikin idiot doing all this!! Oh and BTW Jim did cheat on his first wife, he told me that it happened once and mostly blamed it on his wife (of course) she just didn't care about him, and was never there for him. Then on our honetmoon he admitted that he had a one-night-stand 3 years after they were married, and he was afraid that I wouldn't marry him if I knew, so he told me 2 days after we were married. Thanks!! I could have lived w/o knowing that. It came up because we were in Cancun and I wanted to drink and have fun, and he wouldn't drink more than 1 drink, he had always been like that since we started dating, but I figured since it was our HMoon and everyone was having so much fun, he could let loose and have afew, and he admitted to me that he cannot control himself if he drinks and he did that once and slept with some friend of his BIL's and he always regretted it and would never put himself in that position again. I don't care how much you drink it is not an excuse to cheat. That is a load of crap!!! So when the very first time that he went OOT with Angie (when I thought it was only him and the 2 guys) and he didn't call me and then at 10:00 I called and he was slurring his words, and then later found out that she was with them, it has been haunting me ever since! He had his own room at the motel, the other 2 guys smoke so they were on a different floor, but Angies room was next to his. Probably with adjoining doors and all! UGH! sorry I am off loading all my probles onto the board I honestly have no one else to talk to. I can't even call my mom, my Sd only lets her talk for 5 minutes and she cannot discuss this in front of him. The man starts holding up fingers for the minutes she is talking, even though I am paying for the f****** call!! Thanks to everyone who is responding, man who needs soaps huh, alot of us are actually living them!!! NiKKi
[QUOTE=leeleelanilou;3264085]Do you have a friend who could be discrete & follow Jim? I can't imagine what you're going through right now feeling all alone in this. I have a great friend who knows everything, a therapist & a shrink.
Statistics show that if a spouse has cheated on their ex, they will do it again. Sorry, that's what I've read. As far as I know my husband has been faithful to me, we started dating when I was 16 & he was 19. However, his Dad ran around on his mom for years & years. I don't know if that influences a son or not.[/QUOTE]

Leelee and Happy mom, my best friend is going through a divorce and is leaving our little town. I haven't even elaborated on things with her, since she is going through so much. I did mention that I was worried about Angies attraction to Jim and my BF instantly put the blame on angie and said that Jim is completely in-love with me and that he wouldn't cheat on me. this is the impression he gives everyone, of how he feels about me. She cannot deal with my problems right now. The 3 other real good friends that I had here moved away. there were some company mergers and buy-outs a few years ago and about 5000 people got laid-off. the people that I had become good friends with were not from here, like me, and that is what drew us together. I have acquaintances from Little League, but none that I would confide something like this in. I was moved here knowing no one. I was going to leave when I got my divorce once school and LL were over for the summer that year, but then I got involved with Jim and ended up staying. It's not like I really had anywhere else to go anyway!
Also, it is hard to follow Jim, his shop is in the country, down a road that you would not just happen to be on. The shop is in the country because it is not the type of business that people come in for, the customer calls and Jim goes out with samples and measures and gives an estimate. So they put the shop out of city limits down a country road, so they don't have to pay city taxes, his bosses (not Angie) house is on 20 acres behind the shop. Jim is rarely there for long periods of time and comes and goes at different times every day, because he estimates and does home remodeling all over our state. there are days when he does 5 different estimates in 5 different towns. and I don't know exactly what town he will be in each day. sometimes he gets pissed because he will get to work and his Boss has change his jobs around to different days. And alot of it depends on when the materials arrive at the shop, where they will be from day to day. He also does not bring the CO truck or phone home so I cannot snoop through those. i told you guys this wasn't an easy one! I think what I will do is tell him I have a doctors appt OOT one day and actually rent a car, buy a blonde wig and try to follow him myself. But the chances of me being able to track him on that particular day are gonna be hard. He has way too much freedom with this job!:(
As for him being a repeat cheater. I did know about the one affair and I told myslef that I would be everything that his first wife wasn't and I was until I got sick. I did everything for him that he said that she wouldn't do. Plus I had met people that knew Jim and his first wife, even relatives of HERS have told me how awful she is, and they don't know how he stayed with her as long as he did. even her own Father told Jim that he was the only man that would have put up with her. We got a bridal shower and wedding invite from HER cousin 2 days ago in the mail! Her entire family lives here and they are always wonderful to both of us. Even her parents have stood with us after the kids sports events and chatted with us. And she has never re-married, everytime she gets a boyfriend it last about a month and then they leave her. She is a lazy spoiled brat, and her Mommy and Daddy do everything for her. So I honestly felt (like everyone else did) that she was to blame for their marriage failing. (not that this was an excuse to cheat) and of course he said that it was just talking, not physical. But now I see for myslef what even this type of affair does to a relationship. Nikki





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