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No need to apologize! That's what the board is here for! :)

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from on this one. It's not the same situation - just similar. When my partner and I became intimate, I would get a UTI (urinary tract infection) immediately after sex - practically everytime! He thought he was "doing" something to me. I thought there was something wrong with me. So every time we had sex, there would be this tension - both of us wanting to have sex but having these "there must be something wrong with me" feelings getting in the way. Turns out that UTIs are a common thing. Simple "fix" is to take a low dose antibiotic afterward. Problem solved in one short trip to the doctor's. So, this isn't really like what you and your ex went through - but I do get the conflicting feelings and lingering doubts. Fortunately, mine was an easy fix and things got back on track. Your issue is much more complicated. But I think I can begin to understand how you're feeling - my partner felt pretty terribly - not just about me having pain after sex - but also due to him thinking that he was responsible and doing something wrong and somehow as if he was an inadequate lover (which, I'll add - he is not). It's just the way some women are built. Nothing to do with him. Just like some women have vaginismus - which has nothing to do with you.

My partner and I were able to get on with things because the solution was simple. You and your partner don't have an easy solution and it seems like she's running from the problem. It's really unfortunate that she wants to be with any man she can get her hands on. I think you're probably right about her hoping that if she tries with enough guys that maybe her problem will disappear as if by magic. It's a bit of a grown-up version of prince charming coming to save her. And as I said earlier, she's most likely feeling badly about herself, thinks that there is something wrong with her and suffering from a blow to her self-esteem. Finding the prince charming that magically makes the vaginismus disappear would mean that there isn't really something wrong with her. I suppose that it's normal to wish for the fairytale. I just hope that she doesn't make stupid, rash choices and end up getting hurt - physically or emotionally. While she might be hoping for the fairytale ending, I really doubt she'll get it. I think she'll end up feeling worse if she behaves promiscuously and ends up right back where she started - with vaginisum that isn't going away by magic. You're right to be worried - I think that there is potential for her to be hurt if she's not selective about the guys she hooks up with. I'm sure that she still wants a loving relationship - but at the moment she most likely wants to feel "normal" more than loved. If it's not already part of her plan to deal with the vaginismus, you might gently suggest to her that maybe she should include a couple counselling sessions to come to terms with her feelings about have the condition. Sudden promiscuity almost always means trouble.

As for you getting counselling re the jealousy - that might not be a bad idea. Jealousy is such a huge problem in relationships (look no further than the board for a full catalogue of relationships ruined by jealousy!). I don't think that this sort of counselling is covered by the NHS tho and it can be v. expensive. If this is an issue, you might consider browsing through the self-help books at your local bookshop or online and see how that helps first.
[QUOTE=amy2705;3252275]No need to apologize! That's what the board is here for! :)

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from on this one. It's not the same situation - just similar. When my partner and I became intimate, I would get a UTI (urinary tract infection) immediately after sex - practically everytime! He thought he was "doing" something to me. I thought there was something wrong with me. So every time we had sex, there would be this tension - both of us wanting to have sex but having these "there must be something wrong with me" feelings getting in the way. Turns out that UTIs are a common thing. Simple "fix" is to take a low dose antibiotic afterward. Problem solved in one short trip to the doctor's. So, this isn't really like what you and your ex went through - but I do get the conflicting feelings and lingering doubts. Fortunately, mine was an easy fix and things got back on track. Your issue is much more complicated. But I think I can begin to understand how you're feeling - my partner felt pretty terribly - not just about me having pain after sex - but also due to him thinking that he was responsible and doing something wrong and somehow as if he was an inadequate lover (which, I'll add - he is not). It's just the way some women are built. Nothing to do with him. Just like some women have vaginismus - which has nothing to do with you.

My partner and I were able to get on with things because the solution was simple. You and your partner don't have an easy solution and it seems like she's running from the problem. It's really unfortunate that she wants to be with any man she can get her hands on. I think you're probably right about her hoping that if she tries with enough guys that maybe her problem will disappear as if by magic. It's a bit of a grown-up version of prince charming coming to save her. And as I said earlier, she's most likely feeling badly about herself, thinks that there is something wrong with her and suffering from a blow to her self-esteem. Finding the prince charming that magically makes the vaginismus disappear would mean that there isn't really something wrong with her. I suppose that it's normal to wish for the fairytale. I just hope that she doesn't make stupid, rash choices and end up getting hurt - physically or emotionally. While she might be hoping for the fairytale ending, I really doubt she'll get it. I think she'll end up feeling worse if she behaves promiscuously and ends up right back where she started - with vaginisum that isn't going away by magic. You're right to be worried - I think that there is potential for her to be hurt if she's not selective about the guys she hooks up with. I'm sure that she still wants a loving relationship - but at the moment she most likely wants to feel "normal" more than loved. If it's not already part of her plan to deal with the vaginismus, you might gently suggest to her that maybe she should include a couple counselling sessions to come to terms with her feelings about have the condition. Sudden promiscuity almost always means trouble.

As for you getting counselling re the jealousy - that might not be a bad idea. Jealousy is such a huge problem in relationships (look no further than the board for a full catalogue of relationships ruined by jealousy!). I don't think that this sort of counselling is covered by the NHS tho and it can be v. expensive. If this is an issue, you might consider browsing through the self-help books at your local bookshop or online and see how that helps first.[/QUOTE]


I'm extremely grateful I found this place!:)

Oh I am sorry to hear about the uti problem, I am glad you managed to find a solution for it- I hope your partner didn't get too unhappy about it!But yeah that is very similiar to how me and my previous partner felt right when we were in the thick of things with vaginismus.

Yeah you've hit the nail on the head there with summing up how (I think) she thinks being promiscuous might help her in some way- I just hope it doesn't get too out of hand if she chooses to be like that- things used to be so different though-she used to value a loving, caring relationship like me but now thinks the whole idea of that is rubbish- another part of it that as previously mentioned, up until a few days ago when she said she just wanted a normal platonic friendship between us (she told me she wanted to feel and act single from now on and that with me acting the way I was, that she didn't feel single at all) with no intimacy or sexual activities between us at all, it hurt me that she just completely cut things off in that way but still wants to go and find other men to satisfy her- I think all of this is revolving back around to my problems with my self esteem!And maybe she thinks I have not been able to help with her vaginismus so maybe another can. She has said before briefly that we 'were young' when we first started trying to do stuff and it's not my fault we tried when we did because we were enthusiastic, I think she's hinting at the fact that us being so eager might have messed up and caused her condition somewhat!!

I had a chat with a friend last night and he also said he thinks it's not a problem with my previous partner but just a problem with me needing to be wanted/loved by someone- I'm not sure if that's right or not!

I think in some twisted way I also think that my previous partners condition somehow brought us closer together (at the time)- we were going through such a tough time that I felt it bonded us somewhat. Add to that the fact that we both were so similiar (didn't drink or smoke, both vegetarian, both didn't want kids or a marriage) and it makes me think 'I'm losing out here, I'll never find a girl like her to get on so well with...' but maybe I've got a slight 'glimmer' over things as this was my first ever proper long term relationship? My friend seems to think that might be the case and that most people always have a special place in their heart for their first serious relationship- I'm not sure if that's true or not!

Also (always with a the alsos, sorry!!) I asked her last night how she managed to be so happy and not sad about the whole situation between myself and her- her answer was simply 'I'm not sad about it so don't get sad.' Apparently her completely cutting off the more casual relationship we had after a broke up and then her just wanting friendship and everything that's gone on hasn't hurt her at all and she is happy about it- she wanted to be free and feel single like mentioned earlier. I found that hard to swallow considering how sad the whole episode has made me!!

Thank you for the idea about her seeing a councellor- she did go to a sex therapist but didn't find the experience positive and instead bought some self help books/a kit to help her along the way, by all reports it's coming along well (the last time she told me as us discussing her vaginismus is off limits now!)

Ahh yeah, I didn't think this sort of thing would be covered- I'll have to look into it and find books/places online for help, thanks for the tip!

Again, thanks for reading. I tried to send you a PM to say I appreciate it but wasn't able to!





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