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Relationship Health Message Board


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Re: Another update
Oct 22, 2007
AJ - I'm so sorry you're still goign through all this. But I know it just has to run its course.

I've never dated anyone like your guy, but I did have a male "friend" who was very much like him. He'd bum money off me and never repay it, hit me up for rides when he lost his license, then critize my driving the whole way. I took him to a business meeting and he had to go out and get something from my car that he left so I gave him my keys and he came back in and kept my keys in his hand and set them down on the table opposite from me, then after the meeting said "whose keys are these? Oh, they're yours? Well, you should hang onto them." I knew a man 6 years prior who was hot for me and wanted to date me but he was all wrong for me so I never took him up on it, and as it turned out, when I got reacquainted with this "friend," he was roommates with this other guy I had known 6 years prior, I'll call him Phil, very freaky coincidence. Anyway, Phil was still hot for me and my "friend" kept trying to push us together, making me more and more frustrated, till one night, he kept at me, "why don't you want to date Phil, he's a great guy, why dont' you just go out with him" and I said I had known him before, I did hang out with him awhile 6 years ago, and this is what he did, and that's why I dont' want to go out with him. the "friend" threw a fit, yelling and screaming at me, how dare I speak about his friend like that "in front of his 'crew'" (we had people in my car, since I was nice enough to drive through the snow to take everyone to see a club he wanted to rent for an event we were all helping to put together) and "I know Phil, he's a great guy, I've seen him treat you like a princess and you paint him out to be some kind of abusive jerk, you need to get over yourself, he has a good heart, and X (my ex boyfriend, who had lied to me and hurt me and that I never really recovered from, who "friend" had introduced me to) has a good heart too, and you judge judge judge..." on and on and on, I thought he as going to punch a hole in my dashboard. Not a stretch seeing as how he had a restraining order against him because he punched out his ex girlfriend's windshield. Oh, but of course it was her fault for treating him so badly, and it was the cop's fault for not letting him off with just a warning, it was everyone's fault but his.

Well, that was the beginning of the end of our "friendship." I got tired of the drama. I got tired of him basically not really being my friend. Not listening to me, not seeing my side, not being on my side, immediately just assuming that Phil's version of our knowing each other was the total, gospel truth, and my version of it was nothing but the twisted, deranged rantings of an unstable bunny boiler whose past relationship simply didn't work out and couldn't handle it. My version of the way his friend X had conducted himself during our relationship was skewed and untrue, and X was the sainted decent guy with the good heart. How dare I accuse him of verbally abusing me? And oh, I must have imagined the time he slammed a big steel bar down on my leg. I simply got sick of it. and when I did, I realized this guy doesn't need to be in my life. I only had him in my life again to start with to try to get some kind of closure, because yes, I did have such a hard time getting over X, and truth be told, I still haven't, and doubt I ever will. but I learned that continuing to go back to a situation that is unhealthy, disrespectful, unsupportive of me, was not going to get me closure. It was not going to get me anything but hurt again.

I thknk you're doing the same thing. You keep going back to this guy over and over and over again, hoping it will somehow turn out differently. Hoping that he will finally HEAR you, understand you, see you, take responsibility for his part in the mess, and have some sort of miraculous epiphany and see things the way you do. But honey, I learned the hard way, life just doesn't work that way. he will never stop being who he is. You can go back over and ove and over again, you can argue with him till your toes turn blue, he will NEVER hear you. He will NEVER see it the way you want him to see it, he will never understand your side of it, he will never respect you, never see what he's put you through, he will NEVER change. Men don't. They are who they are till the day they die, and you can't change that. Once you realize this, once you realize that your life will be so much more peaceful and happy and calm without him in it at all, that's when you will stop hating him, stop wanting to try to change him, and you will love yourself enough to just walk away and leave it all on the ground as you go. This "friend' had to kick me around a bit until I finally got it through my thick skull. Alone sucks, but bad company is worse, believe me. You DON'T need this guy the way you think you do. The moment you decide to love yourself more than the garbage he hands you, the moment you start to cherish the quiet, sweet moments of your own company above the abusive frustrating, disrespectful moments of this guy's company just so you can have a warm body there to talk to, once you're able to choose yourself, your self respect, your own values, views, your trust in your own judgment without needing validation from anyone else, and you can clearly see anyone else who tries to undermine those things as someone who hasn't earned the right to be in your life, that's the moment you will be able to really see him for what he is, nothing more than a huge waste of your precious time and energy. As testament to this, I started working with another guy who was really hot after me. He struck me as kind of, well, I don't want to say 'jerk' but just not my type, not compatible with my sensibilities and my temperament. But we went out as friends a couple of times. He good naturedly kidded me the first time that I got a lemonade instead of alcohol. I don't drink alcohol, I just don't like the taste, never enjoyed it all. Well, the next time we met, he was going to teach me to play poker at a poker club, and he got it in his head that i was going to drink. I said no thanks, I don't drink. He insisted and bought me "the wimpiest, chick drink he could get" I said you can buy it but don't get mad if I dont' drink it. He bought it anyway. when it came, I took one tiny little sip and didn't like it at all so said I wasn't going to drink anymore. He actually got mad "you mean after I bought you this drink you're not going to drink it??" I said I told you I wasn't. He grabbed it, slurped down half of it in one gulp and gave me an angry look. Now, I could have gotten all upset, I could have begged his forgiveness, I could have gone on and on and on about why I don't drink and begged him to please understand. But WHY?? I simply never went out with him again. He always hugs me when he sees me and says in a pouty voice "I have such a crush on me and you won't go out with me!!" But the bottom line is, HE blew it by not respecting me and what Im all about. I refuse to see it as my loss. I know it's not. Plus he has many other qualities I just find very unattractive and incompatible. Even though another co worker of ours thinks I'm being too picky and I have no reason to whine about being alone since he wants to get with me so badly, blah blah. But I listen to myself now, no one else. The day you can do that too, is the day you will see how silly it is to try, or even want, to keep this loser guy of yours in your life.





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