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Wow. Well, first of all, I doubt seriously that this one incident of losing the money was the only thing that killed his ambition. He probably never had any real ambition and get up and go to begin with. Otherwise he would have confronted his parents, gone to his grandparents and told them what happened, gotten a loan, a student grant, scholarship, or other funding, or put off schooling for a year while he made money and then gone back. He wouldn't have just thrown in the towel so fast and given up on his dream so easily. He's probably battling depression and is at his core a very easily defeated person who will no doubt need a lot of *****-wiping from whichever woman he ends up with.

I don't blame you for feeling a bit slighted and confused. you were in a relationships with someone who had a bright future, someone who had dreams and ambitions, someone who was going to be a chef in a 5-star restaurant, and now you're not. He changed the program on you. Now, life happens. People are hit with deaths in the family, illness and disability, stress, being laid off, all kinds of things, and we don't always end up with what we thought we were bargaining for. Do you love him, or the idea of being with a big shot chef? You have to sit down and have a long, in depth, very honest talk with yourself and figure out just what you want. Don't beat yourself up for wanting security if that's important to you, being with someone who isn't always in dire financial straights and can never seem to get his bills paid, can never afford to go to a movie or a concert or a weekend away, or anything fun. Love and marriage are hard enough without adding to the stress by being in it with a guy who can't carry his own weight. You have to decide if who he is, bad and good, for richer and for poorer, is worth whatever unpaid bills, harrassing creditors, a noisy one bedroom apartment instead of a nice condo, not being able to get sick because you don't have good insurance, or you having the responsibility of being the main breadwinner and providing the insurance and money, security and all that stuff that men have traditionally provided, and whatever other hardships and stress that may go along with being with a man who is poor and content to be so. I mean the idea of "I love you no matter what and I don't care if we live in a cardboard box as long as we have each other" may make for a nice Harlequin novel, but it doesn't work that way in real life. Being poor is hard, and if your work ethic and your socioeconomic standards are that different from his, then maybe that's a red flag you need to heed. Not only his work ethic or his ambition, but his general strength and ability to stand up for himself. I gotta say, the fact that his parents ripped off $10,000 from him and he just laid down and took it tells me he's a guy who will let anyone come up and walk all over him. He sounds rather weak and wimpy. If you stay with him, you'll probably have to run the show, make the money, provide the insurance, run the home, be the main protector, educator, disciplinarian and provider for the kids, be the one to deal with school bullies, parent-teacher meetings, all that stuff, and wear the pants in the family. Are you prepared to do that? Is he so wonderful in every other aspect to make it worth that?

Eh, you just never know. I dated a guy who was very poor, and looked like he would always be so. Didn't want to do the corporate thing, had a degree that he really couldn't do much with, and it caused some stress in our relationship, but I think it bothered him that I made more money than him that it bothered me. I did get tired of being the ***** wiper though, when it came to things like going to the beach and I had to bring the towels, radio, umbrella, sun screen, etc. I was lucky if he remembered his own sunglasses dwithout my reminding him. That got very stressful as I also did pretty much the same thing 50 hours at week at work. Anyway, he left, and prompty took up with a fresh out of court divorcee with no job and a butt-load of marital debt and three kids in tow. He prompty got off his butt and got a bitchin' job with a big international company and does very well for himself now. I get pissed every time I think of it. You just never know how things will shake out. Prioritize, soul search, figure out what's most important to you, and does he fit into that, and go from there.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3253573]Now, life happens. People are hit with deaths in the family, illness and disability, stress, being laid off, all kinds of things, and we don't always end up with what we thought we were bargaining for. Do you love him, or the idea of being with a big shot chef? You have to sit down and have a long, in depth, very honest talk with yourself and figure out just what you want. Don't beat yourself up for wanting security if that's important to you, being with someone who isn't always in dire financial straights and can never seem to get his bills paid, can never afford to go to a movie or a concert or a weekend away, or anything fun. Love and marriage are hard enough without adding to the stress by being in it with a guy who can't carry his own weight. You have to decide if who he is, bad and good, for richer and for poorer, is worth whatever unpaid bills, harrassing creditors, a noisy one bedroom apartment instead of a nice condo, not being able to get sick because you don't have good insurance, or you having the responsibility of being the main breadwinner and providing the insurance and money, security and all that stuff that men have traditionally provided, and whatever other hardships and stress that may go along with being with a man who is poor and content to be so.[/QUOTE]

I guess this was a much better way of putting the point that I was trying to make. :D

My husband is in sales. The hours suck and we don't always know what he will be bringing home from one week to the next (except for the modest salary which is good for a salesperson but not for anyone else). Would I love to see him work a 9-5 job and be home more? Absolutely, but I know this wouldn't make him happy. He loves his job and loves what he does and I would never dream of trying to take that away from him. I accept this because I love him. You have to realize whether or not you can do the same for your boyfriend.

Even rereading my post I did come off very harsh. :( The main point I was trying to make is that it is useless to try to make someone be something they are not. They are who they are just as you are who you are. You have to accept them and all they have to offer at face value or you have to move on. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't stay with him. That is your choice to make. You just need to base that on what things are and not on what they could be if he would only do this or that. Does that make sense?
Ok, I have to be *really* honest here if I want actual help.... There is one other issue.. and to be honest, I guess it's pretty big. To make a long story short, I have a friend that i've known since we were about 12 years old, and basically have a history with. He was my first boyfriend, we lost contact, then 10 years later reconnect and dated again. But at the time, it was during a "break" from my last long term relationship, and because of all that drama I ended up leaving him and getting back with my now ex. Anyway, I don't see him anymore, don't talk to him on the phone, but we talk on an instant messenger from time to time and I still have *some* feelings for him. To be honest, I don't know what these feelings mean. I don't know if it's just a warm fuzzy from fond memories, or if it's because we've known eachother for so long, or if it's something more. And I know he feels the same. I would NEVER act on anything, I wouldn't even put myself in a position where something COULD happen, but he is still in the back of my mind. I have to say, that if things did end with my current, that we probably would end up trying again.. Not to say that it would work, but we both have some sort of feelings for eachother and it would only be natural..

THIS scares me.. I've heard "There is always going to be that 1 what if person".. but, I just don't know to what extent that normal "what if" is.. Do you get what I mean? I seriously feel absolutely horrible and i've talked to my mom and sister about this issue a little. My mom told me "Well it didn't work out for a reason"... and my sister said I should cut off contact completely with him. And that thought really depresses me. He is the one person i've been friends with the longest and that I still care to be friends with. And for me, being as shy as I am, friends are hard to come by. My boyfriend knows of this old guy, and actually met him before we met, but of course i've never told him that I still have some sort of feelings for this guy. I know he senses something though, but it's an issue we just don't really talk about. We have in the past though...

So all of these reasons are why i'm freaking out. My boyfriend really does treat me like a princess and he's wonderful and my family love him...and I love him. But I just have all this stuff on my mind thats starting to make me wonder.. :(





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