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I used to love both my parents so much I thought I never could live without them. Now, I sometimes just hate my mom so much I didnít care if she dies tomorrow. Hereís my story: a few years back during the summer I turned 18, I found out my mom was cheating with her co-worker. Somehow I sensed something was wrong, I went into her outlook using her labtop, and what I read there just shattered my seemingly perfectly innocent world. Like all the cheater who got caught, when confronted, my mom first denied and after I shoved the evidence onto her face, she assured me there wasnít anything physical between them. Even as she swore it was only an emotional affair, I was devastated. I felt she had betrayed my dad and the whole family, and the whole happy family thing was a total lie. I never let anyone know about it and she promised me she would end it with him.

For about a year, my heart raced when I open my own email inbox. And every night until I had worn myself out, I wouldnít dare to go to bed because I would be going over the details of the emails I saw, trying to recollect when my mom might have lied to us in the past and coming up with plans to kill that damn guy. I also got into a habit of cursing this guy in my head whenever I was not focusing on something else. I live a long away from home, so I would also be wondering if my mom was seeing him. Over the years, I gradually recovered; although I know I havenít really let go. I just learned not to think about it too much.

Just when I thought I was getting better, another thing popped up recently when I visited home on vacation. My mom came home from work unusually earlier this evening and received a call on her cell when she was talking to me. I knew something was wrong by the way she looked at her phone and the way she talked. It was just so unnatural. Awhile later when she went into shower, I looked through the call record on her phone and found the entry of the call she just received was deleted. I didnít shove the evidence on her face this time, but I brought the whole issue up again after a few weeks basically just let her know I am not trusting her. I could not make out whether she was a great actress or was just telling the truth, I couldnít question her any further and could only choose to believe then that she had kept her promise.

But now after I left home, I found out I wasnít convinced after all. Not only do I still hate that manís guts, I now hate my mom, too. I still talk with her on the phone but always very brief. I only really want to talk to my dad. On her side, I guess she knew I donít trust her. I donít know what I can do to live free of this dark secret. It haunts me, gets me depressed from time to time, and makes me an unhappy person. Why did she delete the phone record? What can I do to live my life? I appreciate just any advice.

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