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[QUOTE=redsoxgirl2418;3277137]if you truly feel that you're not attracted to your current gf and you never will be, it is only fair to tell her that and not lead her to believe otherwise.

But, I think it's wrong that it's taken this other girl to get you to come to this "realization." Makes it look like you've been staying with the other girl because you've got nothing better going on.

"Jane" can say now that she respects your girlfriend and would never to anything to interfere, but she already has.

You have to decide what to do by looking at this as two completely separate decisions/situations. You and Jane may be attracted, but you might end up completely incompatible in a relationship...it would be terrible if you sacrificed a good relationship and friendship for something that might never work out.[/QUOTE]

Redsoxgirl, you have taken the words right out of my mouth (or my keyboard) ;) I had been reading this thread but I was unable to answer before.

This is a complex case. In fact, it even touches the main reason why we marry at all. Possibly there is not a pattern answer for this, but certainly attraction alone should not be a main reason, as far as I can see.

If the OP thinks that he will never be happy with his present girlfriend and that he will never make her happy, either, then he should really break up. He probably knew these things already, but during these four years he has been temporizing, trying to see if love would grow. It's hard to believe that all along his girlfriend never noticed that something was missing, that he didn't have all his eyes for her. Was she deluding herself?

Anyway, the OP will have to give his gf a justification for his breaking up. This will be the most difficult moment. She can retort to whatever he says.

If he says he doesn't love her any more, she may ask him: But what did I do to you?

If he says it took him four years to realize he was not happy, she may say: Why did you make me waste four long years? Why did you need that long?

If he says he has found the love of her life, she may accuse him of being shallow...

I'm bringing these things out not in order to scare the OP, but just to remind that however difficult it may seem, he can't avert this confontration any longer. Because if he doesn't do it now, things will only get worse gradually.

The best scenario, as Redsoxgirl put it, would have been for him to break up with his girlfriend without the prospect of Jane. From one point of view, it looks like he is changing A for B. Don't get me wrong, OP, but you're being slightly opportunistic, if I can see it clearly (maybe I can't).

I think Jane was "wrong" to talk about her feelings for him. Not wrong in the name of love (because love sees no rules, does it?), but she was playing her game, wasn't she? If she already knew the OP was unhappy, then I might see her deed with kinder eyes, but the way things are, she was clearly trying to bribe him and in fact was not thoughtful of his girlfriend.

I understand that the OP has very high hopes regarding Jane, but he would be better to be realistic with his expectations. How deeply does he really know Jane? He knows the attractive surface, but being together with her might show him at last that she, too, has some difficult edges. She can have a difficult temperament.

Again I am not saying this to discourage him, but just to help him see what might lie ahead of him now.

I wish him all the best luck in the world.





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