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Rough Situation...
Oct 26, 2007
This could probably be the year's longest thread for a plethora of reasons, but due to time contraints I'll try and use the cut and dry version ;) .

I'm 23, and I've been with a girl for nearly 4 years off and on. I've always had some qualms and doubts about our relationship, mostly because of "shallow" reasons I guess you could say (have never really been physically attracted to her). We were best friends throughout the last couple years of high school, and eventually ended up dating after graduating and going to college together. The biggest reason I started dating her was because we had so many things in common, everything from sense of humor to personality type, hobbies, and etc. I figured that hey, so she's not a knockout looks-wise, but everything else about her will eventually make up for that. I thought that over time I could fall for her physically, mentally and emotionally instead of just the latter two. It's now nearly four years later, and though we are as close as ever we still kind of have that "best-buddies" type of relationship that never really blossomed into something that I thought a romantic relationship would be like. Herein lies the problem.

I've known a girl for years (we'll call her Jane) who is my best friend's sister. I've literally known their entire family since I moved to this city at 9 years old, and have been close with them ever since; their family is basically my second family. She's two years younger than me, so when we were growing up she was always kind of like a kid sister to me. I've always kept in touch with her over the years and would see her sometimes at their family events or at random times hanging out with her brothers.

A few years ago, I started realizing that she's not just "little Jane" anymore. She's basically a girl that most any guy would drool over, and that's an understatement. Over the past year of so we've kept in touch more, mostly through phone calls every now and again or I'd see her with her boyfriend and my girlfriend when we went out in a group. We kind of always had this unspoken "bond" between us I guess (I guess knowing someone for 15 years can do that), but because of our relationship situations I decided there was no good reason or opportunity even to mention it.

This week, she left her boyfriend who she shares an apartment with and moved back home. She basically confided everything in me, saying that she never really felt they would get married or move forward but that she was too comfortable and afraid to ever break it off. She also told me that she's always had a thing for me since she can remember and that she thinks of me all the time, but that there was never really a situation where she had a chance to tell me. I pretty much blurted out without even thinking "ME TOO!". At this point I was torn. She said that she respects my girlfriend and would never try to push anything while we were still together, but that if I were single she would definitely want to pursue something. I basically told her that it's just bad timing, and out of respect for my girlfriend I can't return those feelings for her. She said she understands, and we haven't spoken in a few days since then.

I really can't stop thinking about her. Its like her face is now burned inside my mind, mocking the fact that once she finally confides in me after all these years I'm with somebody else. I'm so conflicted that I can't even eat or sleep. I keep thinking of what potential there could be with me and Jane, like this is a once in a lifetime chance to finally try and create something more between us. And then I'm riddled with guilt and shame for even thinking about that while I'm with somebody else. I keep wondering whether my relationship is just a hollow shell of something that will never live up to what I thought it would be, or whether I'm just shallow for wanting a girl that I'm physically attracted to yet also emotionally invested in. It's really eating me up.

I guess I'm just looking for encouraging words or tips on what someone else would do in my situation. I know I'm not going to get the same two answers from anybody most-likely, but that's OK. I just felt the need to get it off my chest somehow, somewhere. Thanks for listening.
Thanks for the advice. I figured I would get alot of that ;) . It's just harder because I know we couldn't be friends if things ended. Believe me, my girlfriend doesn't feel the same "best-buddy" feelings as I do and she makes it clear all the time. She's always told me that if we ever broke our relationship off for good, then she wouldn't be able to even talk to me anymore because it would be too hard for her emotionally to see me move on to somebody else. I guess I have to respect her wishes no matter what happens, it's just hard to basically have your best-friend "die" in a way. Guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

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