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Sorry, I'm having a rough time and keep thinking of mistakes that I've made.. and I want a second opinion on them before I decide my relationship fate =)

Are my mistakes unforgivable or not?

I've slept in a bed before with another man -- due to high intoxication usually -- but never any fondling / sexual contact.

whlie he was away in rehab - i applied for a "job" where the owner wanted to send me to florida and meet with him.. anyway.. I told my boyfriend i was going somwhere else.. IM REALLY STUPID AND NAIVE btw.. which im not doing anymore after this incident...

anyway -- I get there and he basically wants a "sugar baby" relationship and we hang out (NO SEXUAL contact) but then i tell him that I cannot do this because I feel guilty and I don't want to ruin my relatonship -- so I flew back home ASAP -- he deposited a check into my account for my troubles (i quit a job because I figured this one would be more benifical)
bf doesn't know this -- but im scared he might find out b/c i freaked out about the incident and told someone and im scared he'll find out..

also i gave a friend a massage once -- while other people were in the room -- but it still feels like cheating.. i also gave him my # so we could hang out -- strictly as friends.. i wasn't attracted to him at all like that but my bf found his # and i lied about who he was b/c i know he'd get upset..
regaurdless I didn't do anything with him besides a massage -- maybe some dancing at a club while intoxicated -- and he tried to kiss me but i pulled away and refused...

I've also went to lunch with a few males in the past.. which i guedss could be considered a "date"

In my mind.. its only cheating if you have sexual contact.. rommantic kissing, oral sex, intercourse etc..

I'm guilty of holding hands, giving massages, giving my # out with no intentions (friendship mainly), and sleeping (actual sleep) in the same bed as another male....

he knows ive made mistakes but ive never told him specifics.. and if he doesn't find out i dont think its that big of a deal.. or am i wrong???
its like i do things for attention and to get things i want --
but then ill realize what i have and quickly avoid the situation... so ive never gone through with anything

is it too late to salvage our relationship? if i do not tell him specifics.. is it possible to have a healthy relationship with him? or am i just a horrible girlfriend and don't care about him as much as i think?

FYI i dont know why i act like this -- possibly due to childhood physical and sexual abuse.. but does that mean im doomed to singlehood b/c i need negative attention?
Personally, I feel a "mistake" is of course forgivable, but only if it's acknowledged, and the person makes every effort and has every intention of NOT ever making it again.

If we're still talking about the boyfriend who is controlling, I'm not sure if that relationship is worth salvaging, but whether it is or not, I don't think that's really your biggest worry.

You say you got hired by this guy to fly down to Florida to "work" then when you got there, you found out all he wanted was basically a pretty young woman escort to hang on his arm, to be his companion and sex partner and in return he'd buy you nice things. But here's where I get say "so we hang out (no sex)" THEN you start to feel bad and then leave. My question is, why didn't you leave the moment you discovered his intentions were not what he said they were?

It does seem like you enjoy putting yourself in risky situations to get male attention, enjoying knowing men want to have sex with you, enjoy the rush of risky behavior, like sleeping in a bed with a man when you (I'm assuming you both) are drunk.

I think you have to ask yourself do you WANT to be a peson of integrity, be someone who's respectful, loyal and faithful? If you do, then you do have to figure out why you can't seem to be now, and how to change it, even if it means seeing a counselor or therapist to get your answers.

I don't think it will doom you to life alone, but if you choose not to change, then you will be doomed to always having to lie, cover your tracks, have that knot in your stomach, worrying if your guy will discover your latest indiscretion, etc. and being with men like the one you're with now, initially gets turned on by the fact that other men want you, look at you, etc. then as soon as he has you, wants to control you and keep you for himself as much as he possibly can.

If you don't think it's cheating if it doesn't include actual sex or the other things you mentioned, then you need to find a man who is of the same mind, who accepts you as you are and who doesn't mind the way you live your life, but keep in mind, if you're free to give backrubs to male friends, go on lunch dates and hold hands, then he's free to do those things too. I think a really good man like this will be very hard to find, which is why I think you may be better off finding out why you need to sleep in other men's beds, give backrubs and hold hands and fly to Florida with them and then lie about it, etc. and see if there's something you can do to get a bit more of a backbone and a little more, well, for lack of a better word, character, and stop doing those things.

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