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Dating.
Nov 5, 2007
Well, here I am, organising going out with my friends to bars/ clubs in the hope of meeting nice, goodlooking men for some "fun."
I decided I needed some fun, to feel good, and to laugh and feel sexy again. I have been excited about it- thinking back to old dates, how much fun I had had, dressing up, feeling good, dancing, laughing, going to new restaurants/ bars etc. I went through my wardrobe last night- I have great clothes/ shoes I havent worn in ages- use to make me feel good. I had forgotten what it is like to feel attractive, to go out, to flirt, to tease, to dance, to exchange numbers etc- to be on the look out for new dates whilst having a good time with my friends.
I am not looking for anything serious by no means. Just kissing, going on a few dates, and if I really fancy him, then why not take things a little further? I have done it only once before (before I met my ex) and I didnt get emotinally involved, so I dont really need to worry about that.
I am excited about meeting new men. When I put myself out there, I know I can have fun. But thats all I want. Its been too long.

So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel as though I shouldnt be doing it?
Because Im not that kinda girl? Well, not normally, but I deserve a good time as long as no one gets hurts. Doubt anyone will get hurt. Harmless flings, right?

I keep thinking about my ex. I keep thinking, well if I meet new men, date new men, and possibly start sleeping (not around) with a man.....well....
I keep thinking what is the situation with my ex? Are we together but not really together? I am single. And yes, that means I can see other men...but why do I not feel free?
He made it clear he wanted things to work, but he couldnt invest any time into it until he got back. That made me feel not good. Yes, he is entitled to have a good time abroad for two months, I didnt want to stand in the way of that but it comes across like this to me: So he is going to go away, free, to do whatever with whoever (women), then to come up as though nothing happened? I didnt want that. But I guess thats whats going to happen?
If he is to be with another woman, I will not take him back. Im not going down that road again.
If he hasnt been with another woman, if he realises his mistakes, and sucks up big time, then I will consider taking it slow. Very slow. Start seeing eachother as friends, start dating, with no real aim but to see how it goes.

This ideal circumstance is perhaps very unlikely to happen but why can't I rule it out? Wishful thinking? Because I just cant seem to let this mess go. Maybe I havent given myself long enough to get over it? How can I get over it when I havent accepted it is truely over?

Because of this, I think, I dont feel entirely free and happy to start going out and dating men. Perhaps guilty isnt the word to use. Just something is niggling away at me inside.
How stupid does that sound?
Maybe if I just go out and do it, maybe the ex will become a distant memory? When I start to enjoy myself, itll remind me, that there is nothing to worry about or niggle at me?

Maybe Im being too hard on myself, and should accept I still love him, and I still will want him at times, but to let this go, start dating other men (no relationship, just dating) and worst possible scenario, I can think about this when he gets back. If that is what is niggling away at me? Maybe then I may have met someone, or started to want better for myself (thats what so many of you have suggested- maybe thatll happen?).
I mean, we may not even stay in contact. I never replied to that message he sent before he went away. If he doesnt email me, I wont be intiating anything. I would have done itby now if I had intended. My birthday is on 26th. I havent blockled him from my newspaper email account.

Im not at home crying or sitting infront of the tv eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself. Im not entirely heartbroken. It hurts. But I am getting on with life, and it feels good that he is gone because we are not arguing. Im meeting up with friends, keeping busy with uni work, worked the weekend, started running, will start my exercise classes this week. I am happy.
I feel very distant already, and he hasnt been gone a week. I think there is a good chance I will be over him in two months. so maybe I need to give myself more time, go out, to meet new men, to behave like what I am now- single.
Re: Dating.
Nov 5, 2007
You are free to do what you want. T his guy had plenty of chances to see you and be with you. He is an adult who is making choices and now you have to make yours. Trust me, if it had been important to you, he would have seen you. Nothing good will come from thining about him and the what ifs. Sure, he might have wanting to possibly see where things go, but who cares? you are his back up plan for when he is bored or whatever, trust me, if he really really wanted you with everything in him and valued you in his life, you would know it and feel it. Even if he comes back in two months and wants to date you but you are dating others, so?

So yes, do what you want, date, have fun. And don't take it all so serious, you are very young. There is no rush to settle down. In my 20's I just dated, travelled, worked, had boyfriends, but wss in no rush to settle down. Yes, I even had flings, and it's all fine as long as both people are honest. Had marriage proposals, turned them down, just wasn't ready for it all. Just remember, good relationships are not filled with drama and heartache, they flow, both people mesh and want the same things, there is no control and things are just good! good luck!
Re: Dating.
Nov 6, 2007
Lets face it, you don't feel free because of all this emotional baggage you are carrying. All this back and forth, he wants you, he doesn't want you, drama. All of that would do a number on anyone.

Getting out there and letting loose is what you need. You need to get out there and be a single woman. Live your life without answering to someone. After all you have been through with your ex you deserve to give yourself a break.

Now lets say your ex does call you a few months down the road and wants to work on things. Getting out and experiencing what you have been missing because of your dependence on eachother will help give you the strength to tell him to take a hike. He is not the guy for you and seeing other men will help you realize that.

If you don't want to be bitter and heartbroken about this whole situation then don't be. You played a part in the whole drama too AJ. You kept taking him back time and time again knowing in your head (not your heart) how things would turn out. You need to finally accept that you two are not right for eachother and your relationship had been dead pretty much since you took him back way back when after that few months break. You lost a lot of trust and respect for him then and you really never gained it back.

You will be okay AJ. You just have to keep pushing forward and allow yourself to get over him. I know it's hard, but honestly, it will be one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Re: Dating.
Nov 6, 2007
It sounds like what you're saying is you can't let go because you feel you've changed and want to test drive what you've learned and see if it would make a difference and don't want to accept that he still sees you as how you used to be. The thing is, it takes two to make a relationship work. You both have to really want it. If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about that. You can still keep the lessons you learned, and apply them to your next relationship. Like I said, sometimes, it's not the thing we want that we were supposed to get, but rather the lesson we learned from losing it.

Right now you have a choice. Keep hanging onto the past and what would have, could have, should have been, and spend months, maybe years being sad, wishing you could re-write what's already done and gone, or take what you've learned from this experience and go forward wiser and stronger into whatever comes next. You can either pick one, or let the other pick you, but the choice is yours, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Re: Dating.
Nov 6, 2007
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3293623]It sounds like what you're saying is you can't let go because you feel you've changed and want to test drive what you've learned and see if it would make a difference and don't want to accept that he still sees you as how you used to be. The thing is, it takes two to make a relationship work. You both have to really want it. If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about that. You can still keep the lessons you learned, and apply them to your next relationship. Like I said, sometimes, it's not the thing we want that we were supposed to get, but rather the lesson we learned from losing it.

Right now you have a choice. Keep hanging onto the past and what would have, could have, should have been, and spend months, maybe years being sad, wishing you could re-write what's already done and gone, or take what you've learned from this experience and go forward wiser and stronger into whatever comes next. You can either pick one, or let the other pick you, but the choice is yours, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.[/QUOTE]

I really like your post. Not only did you hit the nail on the head (i want the test drive, thats what i alwasy wanted, but it never took off) but also shows, regardless of whether we get back together or not, whatever happens, this has been a good wake up call and I can apply lessons learned. Thank you.
I just wish we met up and got things going. I met up with my closest male friend yesterday. I showed him the email that my ex had sent. My male friend said my ex was pathetic and that we didnt meet up because my ex always waits for me to suggest to meet up because thats the kind of guy he is. Yes, he is right, I was waiting for my ex to make the move because I didnt want to pressure him. But my friend said, he has always been like that, he doesnt like to take charge. ???
Re: Dating.
Nov 16, 2007
Its been 6 months since we had our disagreement and break up.
He has been abusive, he has been selfish. He has given me nothing but a repeat of what happened a year and a half ago- heartache.
He is away for two months.
He couldnt even be bothered to send mea message to ask me how i was.

He is nothing to me now.
Re: Dating.
Nov 18, 2007
"He may have really cared about you at one point, but it's just not there anymore. Can it be revived? Only if HE wants it to be, and he doesn't.[COLOR="Red"]i dont know if he does. time will tell me for sure. maybe it is obvous to you, but not to me, not yet. if he doesnt send me a message for my birthday, then i will know he just doesnt care at all [/COLOR]"

I know you said something to the effect that if he didn't make a real effort before he left that you would definitely move on and spend the time getting over him. Now you've drawn a new line in the sand saying if he doesn't contact you on your birthday, then THAT's the new "it." and if he doesn't contact you on your birthday? Will you draw yet another line in the sand? You said you know it was a mistake to not have let him miss you, but my question is, what did you LEARN from that mistake, and what are you going to do differently from now on?

Think long and hard about this one....is it really him, really truly him, exactly as he is all the time, in all his glory, that you want, or just the rush of emotion and endorphins when things are good that you've become addicted to? Seems like you have an awful lot of complaints about him. Are you sure you love him for just who he is, or for who you hope he'll be someday?

BTW, thanks for the words of encouragement, but at my age, it just seems silly to keep hoping. The guys my friends have set me up with have been guys I would never even look twice at and wouldn't want to converse with if they were sitting right next to me and the only other person in the room, and they have clearly felt the same about me. I was nice, smiley and made good eye contact with the first one, and he barely said two words to me, and left, and waited 6 months to tell my friend he wanted my number, never called, and a month after that married his ex wife. The second guy didn't even try to hide the look of disappointment on his face when he first saw me. I smiled anyway and offered my hand to shake and he didn't even look me in the eye as he mumbled something I didn't even hear, then started flirting with one of the other women at the table. I feel that was sending me a message, that my friends think this is my "league" and it would just be way too anticlimactic for me to hook up with someone who doesn't move me or excite me at all, but to settle because I'm old and running out of time and can't be too picky anymore. I could compete when I was in my 20s, I was very nice looking, even hot some would say, but I guess I've lost a lot of my looks over the years and the best I can do just, it's just a real let down. I don't want to settle, and I think that's what I will have to do if I want to realistically be with someone, and I just don't want to do that. So my choices are, be miserable alone, or be miserable with someone I really don't want. Poopy-piddle choice, as they say. At least alone, I can live by my own rules and answer only to myself. I dont' do well when I have to settle for way less than what I had my heart set on.
Re: Dating.
Nov 19, 2007
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3313585]Sorry you've been sick with the flu, AJ. Hope it passes soon.

Well, I do understand needing to follow it through till the bitter end. I have to disagree respectfully, though, that it isn't self destructive. As someone who did exactly what you are doing now, I'm telling you it IS rather self destructive. I don't feel good about you choosing this course of action, I'd much rather see you to tell him to go get stuffed once and for all. But I know the heart wants what it wants and sometimes it has to break all to pieces, so I won't pressure you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks larry.
I want to follow that course of action, but I get so hurt and angry that he hasnt messaged me :( Why cant I take that as my sign that he couldnt care? I think because he always tells me I dont give him the space and time he needs, that I am pushy. So I guess this way, I want to give him that. Im sad :( Im trying to remain hopeful maybe he will send me a message on my birthday. After all, I was so good to him on his birthday two months ago. I was too good. I wish I had read that book "why men marry b!tches" sooner. I use to be so strong,independent, he use to find that sexy and irresistible- I just melted after our first major breakup, him seeing that girl. Made me so insecure when it neednt have. Wish it hadnt. But it happened, and we werent able to deal with it very well. Arguments, tension etc- thats what drove us apart. I tried to make him see it wasnt like that anymore. I guess he had enough and wanted to enjoy his life a little. I do not blame him for that.
I love him so much and I really hope it works out. If it doesnt, then that is fine, there is another man out there who will appreiate my love and will stay with me during the hard times.
You too should continue to believe in that larry. Youre only 42, so young to give up. I know you can get REALLY disheartened. I believe if you open your heart and thoughts, you will find him. I have faith.
Re: Dating.
Nov 19, 2007
[QUOTE=apple_juice;3313595]Thanks larry.
I want to follow that course of action, but I get so hurt and angry that he hasnt messaged me :( Why cant I take that as my sign that he couldnt care? I think because he always tells me I dont give him the space and time he needs, that I am pushy. So I guess this way, I want to give him that. Im sad :( Im trying to remain hopeful maybe he will send me a message on my birthday. After all, I was so good to him on his birthday two months ago. I was too good. I wish I had read that book "why men marry b!tches" sooner. I use to be so strong,independent, he use to find that sexy and irresistible- I just melted after our first major breakup, him seeing that girl. Made me so insecure when it neednt have. Wish it hadnt. But it happened, and we werent able to deal with it very well. Arguments, tension etc- thats what drove us apart. I tried to make him see it wasnt like that anymore. I guess he had enough and wanted to enjoy his life a little. I do not blame him for that.
I love him so much and I really hope it works out. If it doesnt, then that is fine, there is another man out there who will appreiate my love and will stay with me during the hard times.
You too should continue to believe in that larry. Youre only 42, so young to give up. I know you can get REALLY disheartened. I believe if you open your heart and thoughts, you will find him. I have faith.[/QUOTE]


I know it hurts, believe me I know it hurts to think that the person you love so much is through with you. But that's part of maturing, growing up, and dealing with life as it is. You can't expect another person to feel something for you they just don't or to be someone they just aren't because it hurts you too much if they don't. that's just not how life works.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I don't really look at it as "giving up" really. My life is just what it is. I don't have a crystal ball, and anything could happen tomorrow, but I just think the chances are good that tomorrow will be more like today than some glorious hollywood movie type day where all my dreams suddenly come true.

Believe me, my heart and thoughts are open. Have been all along, as much as they possibly can be. If I weren't open to meeting someone, I wouldn't have been online dating all these years, no? The years have just taught me to not hold out for any one specific thing or any one specific dream. Life is going to hand you what it will, regardless of what you want or don't want, or what your dreams are, or how open your heart is. My heart was totally open to my ex, and I loved him the best way I knew how for all the right reasons. I truly believed we were meant for each other, we were soul mates, and I just knew in my bones that it would work out somehow. It still didn't. I think you have to keep your heart open, of course, but you also have to keep your feet on the ground as well.





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