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Re: Dating.
Nov 17, 2007
Sorry, this is super long.

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3310780]I tihk blocking him would be symbolic for you. [/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3310780] I also know you have to let go at your own pace. [/QUOTE]

You're so right. It will be symbolic, and that will be the end of it, and the start of a new life without him. I'm just not there yet. I can't get myself there. Sometimes, Im so close,but at other times....

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3310780] You say you may want to try again with him. But I think you're forgetting that it's not just your decision. He will have to want to try again with you too, and he never really will, not really, and I think we all know it.[/QUOTE]

I go over it in my head.
Maybe I am trying to sugar coat it, I do not know.
Did he want to give it another go? I think so. He wasn't jumping at the chance, he had reservations- and whilst I understood that and respected it, the arguments, the heated awful arguments made me turn on him.
He had a lot on. Was nervous about going away, probably didnt want to get bogged down with the misery that we had become. I dont blame him. Blah Blah. You know it all.
But how many times did he say, ok lets give it another go. He said that many times. But I was never happy with it because either he was flippant or he said it in an argument. Once or twice, the next day, he would say he forgot he even said it. That put me off him. I kept saying to him, we could give it another go, he would reply, yeah ok, but then it was me who would always drag it out, keep talking and not reach a good conclusion/ decision.
Now I see why he would say "well, i keep giving you want you want, whats the problem?" I remember posting it on here before he left- I was upset on the phone and he got frutsrated and shouted- "Im here, you got what you wanted, whats the problem now?"
Well, why couldnt I have just given him some time? Yeah, after that day we met in the country, he was all over me, we agreed to give it another go...we didnt call eachother for 3 days and that made me mad and I told him to forget it. Was I wrong? Shouljdnt I have just given him some space? Not all my fault, I know. I was just annoyed that we werent meeting up or nothing was progressing. But when people argue and disagree like that, its difficult.
He wanted to see me before he left. He tried to talk to me the day before he left but I was too angry/ emotional because of the argument the night before. I feel like such a b!tch although he was awful the night before to me.
I know, I know, it happened, I should let it go, but I just wish I had gone to see him. Maybe then, things would have been clearer, for me at least, even if it it clear to everyone esle but me?

I know, deep down, I could convince him when he gets back in the new year, to give it anther go.
I know, we could have got bak together so easily, but I didnt want it like that. On these boards, and I told him also, I dont want it to be easy- I want to talk, find solutions, before diving back in, otherwise what would be the point? Maybe I overkilled it?
I wish I had just given him al the time and space he needed before he went away.
As I said, we could have got back together, but I didnt want that. I wanted him to be sure, to want to give things another go, positively, constructively.

Lets say, he does come back and wants to give things another go...even after this post, me wanting him, still loving him- could i go back? could i go back to possibly being hurt again for the third time? Lets suppose he declares his love and wants to be with me for the rest of his life- will that be enough??

I went over that email he sent me. Do you remember it?

I was very tempted to send him a message yesterday. Thankfully, I resisted the urge. No way will I be messaging him.

This is what I am going through right now. These thoughts.
Hope you can help me with them, larry. Youre always such a huge help. You always understand how I am thinking/ feeling and know what to say. Im in limbo.
Maybe I dont need to be in limbo.
Why dont I try to move on? Start seeing the new guy. Enjoy myself.
My friends want to take me out for my birthday. I may be going to paris with the new guy for my birthday. My newspaper page is going really well- received some really good news today.
Ive got so much on, now that I am over my flu, I can resume life (ive been stuck indoors for the 5th day now).
Lets see- lets see if he sends me a message on my birthday. Lets see if he gets in touch when he gets back. Til then, i dont need to be miserable, upset, crying. I can get on with my life. Lets see what happens. If he wants to give things another go, I can see where I am at during new years. I may be out of love by then. I may be in love with the new guy. Or I may be single and not want to see my ex. I may still love my ex. Who knows.
All Im saying, is that maybe I shouldtihnk- life doesnt have to stop, be miserable, I can still move forward with my life, and see where I am in the new year. I could do with a break, trying to find myself again.

I know I am not entirely to blame, but looking back far back into the relationship, a lot of the problems were caused by me being impatient and implusive. Although I didnt jump back into things with him, maybe I didnt go about things in the right way.
Am I to be blamed again?

Update- there are guys who like me, guys i can date. why am I so hesistant? why am i scared to move on? im scared i may fall out of love with my ex....why???? shouldnt i be wanting that to happen?
ive got a clear head. the balls in his court. ibve been over things in my head- if he wants me when he gets back, if he earns me (doubt it, will take too much) then things may develop. if not.....i can move on with new guys and a new life.
Re: Dating.
Nov 18, 2007
[QUOTE=apple_juice;3310979]
Did he want to give it another go? I think so. .[/QUOTE]

If I may say so, I think you want to think he wanted to give it another go. You've convinced yourself he did because that feels better to you, but if he had really wanted to, he would have been willing to make the changes HE needed to make as well to make it work. He wasn't, and he didn't. He put it all on you, like he always does. that's not how someone acts when he's really willing to try it again and make it work this time. It didn't work because he simply couldn't and wouldn't give you what you wanted and needed from him, and if he had really wanted to, he would have. It's really that simple.


[QUOTE=apple_juice;3310979] I know, deep down, I could convince him when he gets back in the new year, to give it anther go.
I know, we could have got bak together so easily, but I didnt want it like that. On these boards, and I told him also, I dont want it to be easy- I want to talk, find solutions, before diving back in, otherwise what would be the point? Maybe I overkilled it?
I wish I had just given him al the time and space he needed before he went away..As I said, we could have got back together, but I didnt want that. I wanted him to be sure, to want to give things another go, positively, constructively.[/QUOTE]

That's just the thing. You want something you will NEVER get from this guy. You want him to love you in a way he simply isn't capable of. You really need to work on wrapping your mind around that fact. Sure, you can convince him to give it another go. You can convince him to give it another go till the cows come home. But you will never convince him to love you in a way he just doesn't feel in his heart. you will never convince him to give you what he just doesn't want to give you i.e. talking, solutions, taking responsibility for his missteps, being more attentive, etc. You can't FORCE anyone to give you those things if they just don't want to, or if they just don't feel you deserve it. And trying will only make a bunny boiler out of you.



[QUOTE=apple_juice;3310979]
Lets say, he does come back and wants to give things another go...even after this post, me wanting him, still loving him- could i go back? could i go back to possibly being hurt again for the third time? Lets suppose he declares his love and wants to be with me for the rest of his life- will that be enough??.[/QUOTE]

I think that's the wrong question. The question isn't COULD you go back, the question is SHOULD you go back. Off hand, I'd say, no. He's already shown you who he is, and it's not enough for you. This is where most people cut their losses and walk away.

I don't want to get into "let's suppose." There's a WORLD of danger in that. I mean, let's suppose my ex who broke my heart 10 years ago leaves his wife and comes back to me? Let's suppose Brad Pitt sees me somewhere and dumps Angelina for me? Let's suppose monkeys fly out of my you-know-what? Honey, that's a dangerous road to walk down. It's not rooted in anything real and it never leads anywhere positive, contructive or good.


[QUOTE=apple_juice;3310979]I know I am not entirely to blame, but looking back far back into the relationship, a lot of the problems were caused by me being impatient and implusive. Although I didnt jump back into things with him, maybe I didnt go about things in the right way.
Am I to be blamed again?

Update- there are guys who like me, guys i can date. why am I so hesistant? why am i scared to move on? im scared i may fall out of love with my ex....why???? shouldnt i be wanting that to happen?
ive got a clear head. the balls in his court. ibve been over things in my head- if he wants me when he gets back, if he earns me (doubt it, will take too much) then things may develop. if not.....i can move on with new guys and a new life.[/QUOTE]

It takes two to mess up a relationship, I think. You both are to blame, but laying blame doesn't matter. You both were who you were and it didn't work, that's all. No sense in going over it to the point of obsession to make it come out better in your head. Review it JUST long enough to learn from the mistakes you made so you can apply those lessons to your NEXT relationship.

It could be that you're afraid to fall out of love with your ex. Afraid that if that feeling goes away, all that will be left is numbness. Like Kevin James said in the movie Hitch "I've waited my whole life to be this miserable over someone and if hurting like this is the only way I can stay connected to her, then that's the way I have to be." Missing someone, pining for someone, hurting over them, is a way to feel connected to them because we aren't ready to let them go. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all. I think in those cases, you really have to work even harder to get busy focusing on other people and getting as much social interaction in your life as possible. Work on feeling whatever it is you feel for your friends, family, this new guy, whomever, Don't force yourself to feel things that arent' there, but take each day at a time and be thankful for what it has to bring. It will hurt for a while. You just have to deal with the fact that you will feel bad, hurt, sad, lonely for a while. It's ok to feel these things. Those feelings DON'T mean you should go running back to an ex who doesn't treat you well and who isn't right for you just so you can avoid those bad feelings. It just means you need to heal.
Re: Dating.
Nov 19, 2007
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3313557][QUOTE=ErimusValidus;3312617][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][COLOR="Magenta"]LLM[/COLOR], I just want to say that you'd get on well with my mum when it comes to Paul McCartney. Oh boy, did we know about it when he split from Heather Mills. My mum was like "I always knew she was bad for him! If your dad left me I'd get a date with Paul McCartney" :D Although, Scott Walker is her ultimate fantasy.[/COLOR][/FONT]

LOL! That's cute! Now, just to clarify, because I know some people on these boards do tend to draw their own conclusions so sometimes you really have to spell things out to avoid confusion and misinterpretation, present company excluded, but you know...just to clarify, I didn't fall in love with my ex because he bore a resemblance to Paul McCartney! In fact, I didnt' even realize he did until someone pointed it out to me. I just thought he was cute, the cutest guy I had talked to in a while, and my type. I fell in love with him for differnet reasons, how sweet and gentle he was, how much we had in common, how we just seemed to "get" each other, all that stuff. The fact that he was cute was just icing. This guy in the movie just happens to really remind me of him.

AJ, I know it can be hard to move on when you feel it isn't over, and especially when the other person leaves the door open a little bit. i can't imagine how hard that would be to let it go. But I do think it's worth trying. You're depending on him to set you free, and like I've said before, that's giving all your power away to him and that's where you can really get into big trouble. This is a great learning opportunity for you, and I sure do hope you take it. You know he's not treating you right. You know you hate the way he treats you, and that's why you keep arguing, pushing, demanding, etc. You know he isn't ever going to give you what you want, yes? Why does it matter whether he says go away or not? Why do you need him to set you free so much? Why don't you at least consider setting yourself free? Like the Eagles said "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." You have the key, AJ. You can indeed set yourself free from all this awful torment and drama, if you only want to. You can NOW. It may not be so easy later.[/QUOTE]

Hi Larry

Yeah, I can see that I'm not giving myself enough freedom. And yes it is difficult otherwise I would have done it along, long, long time ago.
I want it to work so bad, thats why because I think it would work. Yes, the way he has treated me hasnt been good, it has been hurtful and caused me a lot of heartache. It really has. I tried so hard to make him see it'd work out. And he did agree many times to give it another go, but I got scared because he seemed so flippant when he agreed to it, and I only wanted him to go ahead with me if it was really what he wanted. Something would then happen, lets say an argument, then Id tell him to get lost. He would call me again, to say sorry, talk about getting back together etc. Then we wuold agree to talk more about it later etc. You can date my posts back to september about this. It just kept repeating itself. Awful cycle and nothing came out of it.

I guess I am free in the sense that I know there is nothing more I can do now. The ball isnt in my court, so that is a big relief. I did my best after the breakup, the weeks coming up to him leaving etc. I have tried my best, and I know I can leave it there now.
The only thing I regret is not speaking to him/ seeing him before he left. This is very frustrating. Things would have been clear then, huh?
But I will get over it. After all, he could have sent me a message by now from abroad. I know he has been online.

This waiting could go on for so long, and will need to, because I am not in a position to let go just yet. Itll be SO difficult. Itll be easier if I just wait without putting my life on hold. Lets see if I get a message on my birthday. (i think about how nice it would be to tell him about my birthday. i may be doing to paris with the guy who i may start seeing. having another big birthday do at a jazz bar. he will be shocked to hear im not miserable, keeping myself to myself)
Lets see if he wants to meet when he gets back. Lets see.
I want to do that because this will be easier on me this way, and who knows, I may get what I want. I may not. But certainly, knowing for sure, letting time reveal all, will be easier on me because i cannot let go right now.
So I need to devise this plan of action. It is easier for me this way, and I hope you all understand and will support me because it helps me when I get down/ angry/ emotional/ lose sight.

Does that make sense? Its not too self destructive. I think this is the easy way for me.

I feel as though I may have come to achieve something in this post.
I just need to control myself and not get so emotional but i guess that is normal, to feel angry, hurt etc?
Being at home for the last week hasnt helped either (due to bad case of flu). Been so bored, not much to do etc.





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