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Hello all,
I am newly married to a life long friend who was once a partner in early life.
She has been married twice and both of them have ended in divorce.

During her marriages she confided in me about all the problems she was having in those relationships. She told me many times that she was unhappy with her hubby because he was fat and that she had crushed on (was attracted to) other men. She never ever acted like she would cheat or told me she had cheated. She did however catch her hubby in many lies and it ended in divorce.

She went back and forth with him out of divorce and dated around. We were always friends during this time so I knew about her relationships. She was never satisfied with anyone or anything they did. However she would say in the same breath how great they were.

She made several attempts to be with me and I passed before but this time we got together and are now married.

We have our issues as I have had anxiety for years and tend to worry. Some of her behaviors tend to get me worried and we have both been to Psyc docs and had Counseling. They were not sure if she was bipolar or just depressed. She is now taking meds for depression. She would let many things pile up on her and feel tons of guilt over not pleasing people or getting their acceptance.

The meds have helped level her out but our current problems are that I feel that she is too friendly to men and that they could take it the wrong way. She says I don't trust her but I'm a guy I could tell that if she approached me and was as friendly I would think she was interested. She says that i should trust her and what the guy thinks doesn't matter. Her over friendliness and flirty behavior stresses me and hurts my feelings and brings distrust into the relationship.

It seems like there is always a guy that she will seem to want to help or be friendly to usually at work and she tells me about the guy bothering her and then I think, what did u do to cause this problem. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. She says that she wont be mean to people and it's just because I'm jealous. My doc says it is not wrong for me to think her behavior is inappropriate.

She does seem to put me on a platform and say that this is the best relationship she has ever had. She also says no matter how many times she tells me and reassures me that I don't believe her but I'm reading her actions not her words. My wife thinks it's just me being a worrier and that I am too sensitive and that she is all fixed up and expects me to go get help. I have been going to counseling more so than here and niether of the docs think I am too sensitive or overly jealous.

I don't think she would ever jeopardize our relationship by cheating and if that were the case I would definitely end it promptly and she knows that.

This has came up many times in arguments, and my psyc doc says it sounds like bpd. She told me that counseling weekly would help. I am reading these forums and don't really see her exact behavior but she does put me on a pedestal and when we fight she tears me down. So I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to tell my wife how this last visit to the doc went without sounding accusatory.

Any thoughts on this would be great and I appreciate it.
This might answer your question....an aspect of borderline that most men don't realize.....

I believe I have been borderline since I was an infant....I have reason to believe this.

My Dad used to have to travel for his job. He would be away sometimes for a week or two at a time.

My Mom used to tell me that if my Dad was away, it didn't matter who walked in the house, as long as it was a man, I would be all over him. I would sit in his lap from the time he arrived, until he left.

I would never go near a woman...pictures in my baby book of my Mom holding me look like I'm trying to get away from her.

I have had men friends all my life. I still keep in contact with a few of them some 30+ years.

I feel much safer with men than women.

I never strayed on my husband....it is strictly an attention getting behaviour for me.

I can't guarantee that your wife won't stray, but maybe you understand the behaviour a little bit more.

My suggestion....very personal...if your relationship is good, she loves you, sex is good, she's not working late all the time, no reason to suspect any problems....try to enjoy her flirting, and take advantage of it....you are the one that will get the benefit of her flirting, at home.

I really hope this helps....and you understand what I'm saying.

Lil
Hi,
Very interesting information that you provided.She really doesn't have many female friends which may make some sense about her childhood.

She was adopted then shortly after had a sister and brother born into the family and I think she was treated differently than the others. Maybe some sort of behavioral imprinting happened?

I think she definitely tries to get a reaction from me because she knows some things might bother me but she brings them up as if to tell on herself. Nothing like cheating but things with co workers and email stuff. I have read some of the mail and I tend to believe that she personalizes too much but maybe I'm too sensitive.

We are and have been working on this together with counseling but I don't think she realizes she hurts me and challenges my trust.

She also has no clue that some of the things she does seem a bit odd to me and forcefully stands her ground that she is just a nice person. I'm not asking her to be mean to anyone but just to think about her actions. You know guys interpret any nice female as being interested in them.

So thanks for the thoughts about it and I will continue to work on myself and our relationship.
Hi:

I am not sure if this will apply or make sense for that matter but I guess we will see.

Right off the bat I have been deemed by my doctors to be "case book" BPD but at the same time my thinking is also effected by the other diagnosis (severe mdd, ptsd or c-ptsd, gad)

Borderline live in the moment what happened a week ago really does not apply nor effect the choices we make to a degree unless it has effected the way we see ourselves and/or effect the way our perception of the other person was altered. If in the middle of an argument (which you will never win with a person with BPD) and the person brings up something that happened a month ago it means nothing to me no matter how relavent the example may have been. This is going to sound bad but when I am in the wrong state of mind and in a argument I switch over to protecting my self image and to do it I need to berate the other person then so be it

Borderlines self image is rocky at best and we are constantly trying to reaffirm the positive and play off the negative - seeking outside approval and attention will play a part in some cases

Borderline to my understanding is caused when as a child you were unable to express your emotions in a proper manner due to fear so you learn how to adapt which effects your thinking from that moment on until you figure out how to stop or at least delay it.

Relationships are a little bit odd in the BPD world, for the better off the relationship is so does my self image so I work like crazy to ensure the success of the relationship for if it fails I don't take it as a breakdown between two people but because I failed but I will convey the message that it was the other persons fault because I need to make sure the way others see me are intact. The good part of this is the attention a BPD gives their partner is really high.

I have no idea where I was going with tihis

take care
trg247
Thanks Lil,

Really tough to get my thoughts wrapped around all this behavioral stuff.

I can really understand it better now that I see the splitting issue and the black and white thinking.

I really do care and love her but she is hurting my trust in the relationship.

I hope for the best from our therapist.

Thanks!
Thanks Lil,

Will post after our next visit to therapist.

One thing you might find interesting is that in my first marriage I ended up with a very attractive girl who had been molested by a step parent and she would exhibit unstable behaviors also. She was very attractive and I think I was blinded by that. She was very jealous and had a low self image and at the time I had no clue about coping and reassuring her.

I didn't trust her because of the threats she made because she thought I was looking at or thinking about other women, this was in her head and not mine. She would do things, make threats to pay me back for things I never did. So I never really trusted her and I think this may have some influence on this relationship. My Psych says that it's not me and the way I feel is not unreasonable for the current behavior in this relationship.

I really wanted to take blame for some of this and still find I'm at fault for expecting the worst thing and try to break the negative thoughts.

I can't help to think that I seem to be predisposed to end up in these types of relationships. I was divorced in 1994 and this is a second attempt 14 yrs later. I really feel helpless sometimes and I'm on more meds now than I have ever been. If we can work through this I think we will both be better people and if not, I will have improved myself for the better either way.

Will let you know how our visit goes at the therapist.

Thanks for all the help:)





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