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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi Folks! :wave:

I never guessed what a torrent of responses I would get, even though we did all shoot off at a tangent, me included!

Here is why I think my theory is correct. It’s the way everything hangs together.

My parents gave me the idea that family life is always full of bad stuff, but in ‘happy’ families you must never acknowledge it, just suffer and pretend you are ‘happy’. I got peace and fulfilment escaping to shower love on my favourite horse in the riding school, but that wasn’t the first time in my life I’d found solace in nature. As a junior school child, I’d been bullied, but grew up fascinated by the wildlife on the walk to school and around my home. So I’ve always had the option of loving nature instead of seeking human relationships if I thought the relationships were likely to be dodgy.

Accordingly I grew up very doubtful about boyfriends and marriage, so had none while in this frame of mind, because they never approached me. (Age - teens to mid-twenties.)

Later on, disillusioned by contact with control freaks from the dating agency, I saw relationship as probably sources of trouble that put far too many restrictions on me, and no-one approached me. (Age mid–thirties to mid–forties.)

In between whiles. I was very happy and relaxed on walking holidays. On my third week of such a holiday, I attracted a boyfriend. However, it only lasted for the duration of the holiday. In my early thirties, after finishing with Whinging Pete (dating agency control freak) I was very relaxed and happy and soon attracted a boyfriend, A, for a few months. I was on Cloud 9 at these times. When else was I on Cloud 9 as opposed to normal enjoyment of life? I can’t remember. After all, I had my dad to put up with and where he left off, my subsequent landlady took over! (Shudders!!!) :mad:

In my late 20s I needed a boyfriend, and attracted one – another whinging control freak! I tried the dating agency, and finally attracted Whinging Pete. When A dropped me, I was heartbroken, so needy, and soon attracted another man. I appreciated him for being kind, but kept quiet about our incompatibility.

Later I figured I had a lovely life, travelling abroad every winter. My sex drive was dormant and a man would have been a mere accessory. So, not being needy, I didn’t attract anyone. I must have seen like a challenge to AZ, the ultra-charming sex offender who groomed women before striking! :mad:

While in trauma I was very needy but far too unhappy to attract anyone. B, who helped me heal, never met me in the flesh. He made me see relationships in a different light from before, as true friendship and companionship with a soulmate, instead of as a source of trouble and stress, so I became needy. When he turned out to be married, then later had to stop emailing me because he’d made his wife jealous, I was very needy indeed. Within a few months I met E, my only long-term boyfriend, I knew I had somehow made the relationship happen, but couldn’t figure out before what I’d done.

At first I was really in love with B, but seeking solace with E, who loved me more than I loved him. Gradually I became less needy, then E left me for the other woman.

I also see that five times in my life I’d found myself in a situation that represented imprisonment. On four occasions, breaking out of my prison put me in close contact with a man who seemed to be helping me, so I fell in love with him. However, he was not guaranteed to respond!

The fifth time I was suffering from environmental depression where I was forced to live before, and E was my boyfriend at the time. He suggested where I might like to move to, but I escaped due to inheriting money, to independent freedom living here. :angel:

As I’ve got older the deep caution I felt about relationships because of my parents’ attitudes receded, to become replaced by greater knowledge of divorce rates, marital violence, and the like, so the caution is still there. I am very wary now, because my lovely home in the hills would be in jeopardy if I married without the right legal safeguards in case of divorce. I will never leave this beloved place while there is breath in my body, and that comes before any relationship! :angel:

I ask myself, was I happier with E while I lived in a hateful place, or (after the initial upset) happier here without a man, and the answer is definitely that I am happier here.
(I have heard this misconstrued as ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’, which misses the point completely!)

Over the years I have come to associate the right degree of neediness with deep unhappiness, so don’t know how to make myself needy enough to attract anyone without sabotaging my present happiness!

I could elaborate on this, but that’s enough for now!





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