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Hi Folks, :wave:

JennyLee, I’ve been there too, although I don’t quite think that misery kept me from seeing a friend. Not sure I knew that many real friends at the time, just acquaintances. I would have been in my late 20s - early 30s, so getting so worried at the age of 23 seems rather early to me. Looking back, it’s just a stage I went through. I must have been 33 or 34 when it first really sunk home that I had a lovely way of life if only I let myself enjoy it instead of ruining it by trying to swap it for something else.

You mention an affair just for the sake of having a sex life, in a situation where you think the emotional involvement is too low for you to get hurt. I’ve been there too, and it hurts a great deal more than you expect! I screwed up a big trek in the Himalayas like that!

LLM, I expect you are sick and tired of people patronising you with: ‘Lighten up!’ and I’ve already told you that there is no way I’ll ever patronise you! However I’m trying to spot any resemblance between what you say and what I’ve discovered about myself.

When I meet people, on the face of it I do every right thing. I treat them as I like to be treated myself, and these days (not always in the past) I can easily approach a stranger and I laugh and sparkle with happiness. Yet no-one ever shows interest in a date with me. It seems to me that under the surface, my body language is giving out a very subtle message of self-sufficiency and caution. The caution began with fear of meeting someone like my father, continued when control freaks from the dating agency interviewed me for the position of girlfriend (idiosyncrasies not allowed!) and goes on to this day because of all the scary things I’ve learned about bad relationships.

In view of the boredom you express, it seems to me that, no matter what you try to do, your underlying body language subtly conveys boredom and misery and men could be subconsciously picking up on it. Unfortunately I don’t know what you can do about it, and I’m not going to join the ranks of those that tire you out with inappropriate suggestions. I just wonder if thinking along these lines will enable you to come up with something yourself.

Again, the last thing I want to do is to patronise you. I’m just wondering if I can apply theories along those lines to myself, and feel I’m on the right track.
Hi Folks, :wave:

Sorry I’m still behind on reading responses, but I thought I’d continue my previous train of thought to see how my new theory applies to the rest of my life.

I’d got to the point where my one and only chance of marrying a man I loved had disappeared. He saw my adaptation to the single state as ‘proof’ that I couldn’t adapt to marriage! What it really proved, of course, was how adaptable I really am!

So I stomped off to the Himalayas, and in no time I was thinking: ‘If I’d got married I would have missed this! Thank goodness I *[B]didn’t[/B]* get married!’ However I cringe to admit that sexual frustration had become an issue, so I wanted an affair. I’m not cringing in anticipation of judgement on this board, but because it involved a trekking guide! Big Mistake! My reasoning was that if I already knew we had to part, then separation wouldn’t be an issue. Actually it turned out to be a very big issue, and, with hindsight, was also a cultural mistake. But I didn’t have to make an effort to attract this man because of the widespread belief that western women are ‘easy’.

Thinking of how happy I’d been in the English countryside before I met the man I’d briefly been in love with, and how I’d screwed up my enjoyment of a trek in the Himalayas as a consequence, made me realise that I was actually much better off on my own. Unfortunately I told a ‘friend’ whose mission in life was to sort out everyone else’s life to her own satisfaction. She and her hangers-on were horrified by anything that sounded to them like rejecting love. They pushed the point of view that I should leap from one affair into the next, and the next, and the next, on the rebound or not, regardless of inner turmoil, because the ‘right’ lover was supposed to sort that out for me! :blob_fire:

All I wanted was a complete break from stressful situations for five years or so, but by the time they had pestered me to the point of harassment, I was totally full of hang-ups about all sorts of things including relationships. :blob_fire:

Since my discovery that caution outweighs neediness when I’m meeting men who much otherwise be partners, it’s not surprising that I met no-one else for a very long time indeed, without ever getting as far as consciously rejecting anyone! When I’d finally regained my happiness I once again thought I had such a great lifestyle, in touch with Nature, that a relationship would have been a mere appendage! Accordingly, I didn’t attract anyone for twelve years.

Then – think what I said about caution outweighing neediness to the point where my body language makes a man wonder if I really am interested in him or not. What sort of man is not put off by that? A sex offender who doesn’t leap out of dark alleyways! Not the rough type you first think of, because my deep caution would send me running before he had a chance, but a really smooth operator who could begin by convincing me I was ‘safe’!

Oh, yes, I met him, and his horrible mockery of a ‘relationship’ that left me needy as well as traumatised! I’m not going into six and a half years of trauma, except to say that I needed justice through campaigning action and it took me six and a half years to meet the person who could willingly provide it.

Then I was suddenly reborn, magically loving life again, except for still being needy, and my saviour appeared to have everything in common with me. So I fell seriously in love, but we had met only through the Internet, never in the flesh, so it took me some time to find out he was married, and then I was devastated!

In that needy state I met E, who became my only long-term boyfriend. I also suffered another kind of neediness because I was shut in a hideous town, miles from beautiful countryside. After four years of being with E, I escaped to live where I am now.

At first I wondered if my new home was what I’d always wanted, or merely the best I could afford. Then the love affair with my home in the hills began. It grows forever deeper, and maybe E sensed that I had become less needy, and that is why he prefers the other woman. I have more thoughts on this, because it seems that what I think I want on a conscious level is not the same as alternating between caution and neediness on a subconscious level.

Now, am I needy? You know how deeply I feel about my life here in this magical place. At the age of 64 it is a long time since I last experienced my father’s contempt, but I’ve picked up so much information about the horrors of bad relationships! It’s not difficult to see how a bad relationship could result in me losing this house, so caution once again has the upper hand.

I’d love to elaborate on this, but once again I’ve written a long post.

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