It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[B]I've been seeing this guy for about a month now. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship in which i was not in love with the guy. The guy i'm seeing was in a 1 year relationship in which he did not love her. They have quite a history together. He started going out with this girl in college and he cheated on her one night by kissing another girl. Well, it snowballed into them cheating on each other, having sex with other people. Well, the girl he kept going back to to have sex with was this particular ex. His college girl eventually broke it off with him and he ended up with this last ex. I don't know how long after the college girl left him that he went with this ex.

Anyway. They broke up about 2 1/2 months ago or so. He broke up with her because she loved him deeply and he just didn't love her. Well, we started seeing each other a month ago and he let me know that he recently broke up a with a girl of a year. One night I was sleeping over he got a phone call just as he was getting into bed. He looked at his phone and said, and I freaking quote, "Why the hell is she calling?"

Well, I took a look at his cell phone to see what kind of contact they have. He had called her once or twice in the past couple days before. She had txted him. One of the txts said something like, "I guess it would make you feel uncomfortable" that's all there was on his phone (besides some dirty pictures she had sent him, which he later deleted because he had been showing me some pictures on his phone and came across the dirty ones)

Last friday night she was calling him every half hour and finally I said, "wow, maybe you should pick it up, it sounds urgent." And he did. We were walking out of this apartment on our way to my car so we could go back to my house for the night. He was on the phone with her for 20-30 minutes arguing. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but based on what he was saying she kept telling him that she was coming over. All he kept saying was, "I'm not there, I'm not there" At one point she may have said something about breaking in to his place.

This was friday night. We made our relationship official Monday night of this week. I had still been looking on his phone maybe once a day, once every 2 days. Well, Saturday night he stayed over at my house. My parents came back from vacation and got to meet him. He left at around 2:15pm. I saw on his phone that he had called her at exactly 2:19pm. That got me worried. As soon as he leaves my house, after meeting my parents, he calls her? The psycho from the other night?

The night before last I looked at his phone again. I saw that he had called her a couple minutes after he left work that day. We work together and right before he walks out the door he comes and gives me a kiss. So right after he said bye to me and gave me a kiss, he called her. I also saw that later that same night he received a call from her at 7:30pm. There were 2 txt messages from her on his phone from the past 2 days. The first one said, "did you see nip/tuck last night it made me so damn horny" and the other one was, "did you see south park tonight?" (which he didn't because he was out with me). I looked in the sent messages folder and he had not replied to these messages. A mutual friend at work told me that she was in the office with him yesterday and he made some type of noise while looking at his phone. She already knows what's up so she asked him about it. He told her that it was his ex txting him. She told him that he needs to stop talking to her. His response was not significant, he didn't really respond.

Last night I confronted him about his friendship/relationship with his ex that had changed so rapidly over the course of just a few days. I didn't tell him that I had looked on his phone. He told me that they talk sometimes on the phone, she txts him and he doesn't always txt back or answer the phone every time she calls, and that he hasn't seen her in about 2 weeks which was when she came by to pick up some of her stuff. He told me that she had txted him about nip/tuck and south park (which I was so relieved when I heard that he was honest about the txts, just not about the horny part). He told me that he wants to be with me and he broke up with her for a reason. He told me that he doesn't want her to ruin things with us. He told me that she's moving to a southern state in a month or two. I asked him if he would hang out with her if she asked him to, and he said no.

I really don't know what to think. What bothers me most is 1. he called her RIGHT after he saw me, and 2. the one day he seemed to complain that she was calling and a few days later HE'S calling HER and her txts are friendly. I'm wondering what the hell happened? I just wanted to post this to see what other people thought. I don't know if he genuinely likes me or he's replacing HER with ME? He's constantly asking me to come over and spend time with him, during my dinner breaks and after I get off work in the evenings. He's always asking me to spend the night, just so he can sleep next to me. I've never met a guy who wanted to spend so much time together, which made me wonder if he liked ME, or if he just wanted ANYONE to be with him, like he was lonely or something. I discussed this concern of mine with him and he told me that he's genuinely interested in ME and wants to spend lots of time with ME. It just bothers me sooooo much that he's called her twice now in a matter of 3 days right after seeing me.

What do you guys think this means? Should I run as fast as I can? Should I give the guy a chance?[/B]

ADD: Our mutual friend at work told me that a few days after we started dating, he had a conversation with his ex on the phone right in front of our mutual friend. The ex was telling him that she was going over his house to pick up some stuff and was going to go on the computer to check her mail. He told her that that was fine, only what she was going to see on the computer she wasn't going to like. Apparently since I had sent him some pictures of me (innocent ones, face shots only!) he put on as his desktop/wallpaper on his computer. So I believe that he likes me, I'm just not sure about all this other stuff.
Well right now it's really too soon to tell him what to do but I'd say that at the point at which you are "exclusive"(if it ever is)...he needs to stop this insanity! She wants him back and he's got to put his foot down. When I first started dating my husband, he had an EX that he carried on with for about a year into our relationship....and TO DATE this is still affecting the way I feel about things and that's been about a year ago. This is what I would advise. At the point that you become serious, you need to have a SERIOUS talk with him and he should stop with the EX or not continue into a serious relationship. I mean, you have only been with him a month so it's really too soon. But, he knows that he doesn't love her so he's only hurting her by continuing on carry on with her.
Thank u for replying! I forgot to add that he invited me to his high school reunion a week ago and its next weekend. Were staying with his parents the whole weekend. How will I know if we're exclusive? I thought we were already because we made it official?
Instead of sneaking peaks at his phone and listening to what your coworker has to say, why don't you just talk to him? Relationships are suppose to be about communication, respect, and trust. Instead of talking to him you're talking to your coworker. You are being disrespectful by invading his privacy (which I'm sure you wouldn't like if the shoe was on the other foot). You are not being very trusting of him (which at this point I'm not sure he deserves anyway). This will only get worse if you just don't bite the bullet and deal with the situation.

The way I see it, when you make things "official" you are exclusive, therefore you have a right to know what is up with him and his ex. Yes, he has a right to be friends with whomever he wants, but the "friend" (which I don't believe that is what she wants for a second) has no right to interfere in your relationship with him. I would say constant calling while you are together is pretty annoying and I would get pretty fed up with it too.

So just ask him. Tell him that you have noticed that she calls an awful lot and you were just wondering what the deal with her is. You are much better off talking out the problem then snooping around.
You are a rebound girlfriend. He never had time to get over his last love however his history shows he can't be without some gal in his life and seems to thrive on drama. Just by the fact you are checking on him indicates he is not showing any signs of being able to commit to one person. So if you also like drama keep seeing him otherwise find someone that just likes you and not one or two others. This guy likes lots of women all at the same time...not someone I would want to take home to parents.
I think you should run as fast as you can. This guy is still involved with this other girl or he wouldn't be calling her and vice versa which says to me he is "not" emotionally available to you.

Just my 2 cents,
Sunny
His ex clearly believes that she still plays a role in his life. She believes that she can call when she wants and that he will immediately call her back ... that's why she called every 30 minutes! She was upset that he wasn't calling her back - so you can only assume that he normally does. It was really insensitive that while out with you, he took her call and proceeded to argue with her for 30-40 minutes. I know you told him to answer it, but that's because she wouldn't stop calling! He could have said "I'm with my gf and I'm NOT talking to you right now" ... but he didn't - he could have been spending the time with you, but instead he chose to argue with her. That indicates that he's still emotionally entangled with her. Their "relationship" might be over - but they are not. They are still obviously involved in some drama. You are caught in the cross-fire. He probably is into you - but he's not done with his ex and she is very clearly not done with him. He is not willing to shut it down completely, which means that he isn't really 100% yours or 100% available. He started things with you before he completely ended things with his ex. Sure, they aren't sleeping together or intimate anymore ... but they are still involved emotionally. MONTHS later they are still exchanging stuff and fighting (which involves talking all the time) ... and then add in the "social" stuff -- as if she cares if he watched a TV show. Clearly, neither of them has let go completely. Otherwise, the drama would be done - she wouldn't be calling, he wouldn't be answering. The old cliche "it takes two to tango" applies here. She might be the one calling,etc but he's not shutting it down ... they are both playing a part that keeps things going.
;)[QUOTE=amy2705;3311298]His ex clearly believes that she still plays a role in his life. She believes that she can call when she wants and that he will immediately call her back ... that's why she called every 30 minutes! She was upset that he wasn't calling her back - so you can only assume that he normally does. It was really insensitive that while out with you, he took her call and proceeded to argue with her for 30-40 minutes. I know you told him to answer it, but that's because she wouldn't stop calling! He could have said "I'm with my gf and I'm NOT talking to you right now" ... but he didn't - he could have been spending the time with you, but instead he chose to argue with her. That indicates that he's still emotionally entangled with her. Their "relationship" might be over - but they are not. They are still obviously involved in some drama. You are caught in the cross-fire. He probably is into you - but he's not done with his ex and she is very clearly not done with him. He is not willing to shut it down completely, which means that he isn't really 100% yours or 100% available. He started things with you before he completely ended things with his ex. Sure, they aren't sleeping together or intimate anymore ... but they are still involved emotionally. MONTHS later they are still exchanging stuff and fighting (which involves talking all the time) ... and then add in the "social" stuff -- as if she cares if he watched a TV show. Clearly, neither of them has let go completely. Otherwise, the drama would be done - she wouldn't be calling, he wouldn't be answering. The old cliche "it takes two to tango" applies here. She might be the one calling,etc but he's not shutting it down ... they are both playing a part that keeps things going.[/QUOTE]

I agree with Amy & here is why: It so sounds like me about 4 months ago! July/August to be exact! I broke it off with my bf of 19 years. Well he would want me to hang out one night and on the weekends sometimes, and talk about "future" plans of vacations etc with the kids. Well this mislead me to think we would work things out, which I wanted. So the next day he would be playing the "other" field and I would call to talk & he would not answer. Well I dealt with this quit a few times and then we spent a whole weekend together and talked and had an awesome weekend together and I didn't talk to him on Monday (giving him time to get rid of whatever "hopefully) well he called me and then said he would call me back, never did. I let it go. So the next night I call him and he ignores me. Well I only live 1 block away and to make a long story short he was with the "other girl (one of the other girls) and I called and went the heck off! I told him I would text all his girls and tell them what he has been doing and of course he thought I did (later story after we get back together). Anyhow he calls me back and she is here (I know because I drive by the house/alley) and he tells me he wanted me back because we had a great weekend and I am always on his mind (told me that from day 2 of break up) and he only wanted to tell this other girl respectfully that he wants me back. But see he kept her here to see what I would do. When I said ok and I would be down so we could talk, that's when he told her. I am not dumb!

I always told him he would do rebounding. He after 2 months could sleep with someone and use someone to replace me, however I was not replacable. He will tell you today that yeah he can enjoy the time away (sexually) but he is miserable without me and his family.

He has done this to 2 girls that I know, when I leave him he does it! I am sure the girls go thru their depression over it and I feel bad, but I don't!

So when that phone rings and he calls etc, he is still showing he cares and he wants it to work. I knew my bf if he didn't answer he was with another woman and it made me call even MORE, because he would call me the night before saying he loves me and misses me.

I hope I made sense of a real situation and recent at that;)
This sounds like way too much drama. I think you'd be better off just walking away since he can't seem to make up his mind about his ex. You haven't been with him all that long, it's not like there's a really strong bond there yet. Just walk away and find someone who won't be going after his ex all the time.
[QUOTE=dryNscaly;3311174]Thank u for replying! I forgot to add that he invited me to his high school reunion a week ago and its next weekend. Were staying with his parents the whole weekend. How will I know if we're exclusive? I thought we were already because we made it official?[/QUOTE]

If I may ask, just HOW did you make it official? How official can if be if you dont' know for sure if you're exclusive? I thought "making it official" was sitting down and saying "I really think this could be something special, let's focus on this and agree to be exclusive with each other and see where it goes." And both parties agree. You KNOW you're exclusive when you sit dodwn and have that talk.

I personally would be wary of a guy who paints his ex girlfriend as a psycho can't-let-go bunny boiler, but is still in contact with her. It usually means he still has feelings for her that he's not being honest about, or he hurt her in some really bad way that he didn't take responsibility for. Men tend to paint women as psychos very easily and quickly, and that's not always the case.

If you really really don't like him being in contact with this woman, talk to him about it.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3312453]If you really really don't like him being in contact with this woman, talk to him about it.[/QUOTE]

It is that simple. If he likes you enough, then he will stop talking to her.
Your bf is the enabler of this woman's calls. ... I have been dealing with a similar issue recently involving a stalker ex of my partner. This kind of behaviour doesn't die away if he does not put an end to it. Does he want to? Is he too soft to tell her flat out to stop bothering him? If so, then you will have to be prepared for a lot more of this, unfortunately.
[QUOTE=Nina000;3312691]Your bf is the enabler of this woman's calls. ... I have been dealing with a similar issue recently involving a stalker ex of my partner. This kind of behaviour doesn't die away if he does not put an end to it. Does he want to? Is he too soft to tell her flat out to stop bothering him? If so, then you will have to be prepared for a lot more of this, unfortunately.[/QUOTE]

OP- have a browse through threads/ posts of Nina's- she is married to a man who still talks to his ex (they have a child together) and it makes her life a misery! not because of the psycho ex (well, yes partly) but more because of her partner- she doesnt feel as though he sticks up for himself or for their relationship. Take a look at the posts. It isn't pretty.
Talk to your boyfriend now about this. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Lets see his reaction. If he fails to do anything about it, then i suggest you walk away from the relationship. it isnt worth the frustration and heartache. youve not been dating so long, so it will be good and have a less negative impact on you and your life. think im going over the top? just take a look at Nina's posts.
I sense this guy is encouraging his ex to ring him. Why is he ringing her up only minutes after leaving your house etc?

Personally, I think he is seeing both of you, and playing one off against the other.

I also wonder if it were infact her that broke it off with him? Myself I would speak to her:(
I want to thank everyone for replying! I broke up with him! We were on the phone tonight and I was asking about his ex, again, and I asked him if he ever calls his ex. He said NO! I asked him like 3 more times and he said NO. Then he said, "well I might call her here and there..." Well, long story short, our relationship is downgraded to strictly friends. He said, "well maybe we can date here and there..." and I said "No, strictly friends." He told me that he isn't sure if I'm his type! And he told me that things didn't feel right to him. I told him that I thought he was a nice guy and treated me well, but conversation with him was somewhat forced, which is true. I was shocked that he lied to me. That proves that whatever he was doing with his ex was inappropriate!
Yeah, I didnt have a good feeling about it.
Well done for breaking it off.:angel: Better than getting sucked in, only for this to have happened later.
Yeah, you don't want to be with someone that's still hung up on an EX! He's not over her yet and she's certainly not over him. I bet you will see that [B]they[/B] end up dating again before it's all said and done!
I have to appologize for not thinking the whole situation was as bad as it really was. I wanted to give the situation with the ex the benefit of the doubt and I did you no favors with that. I'm glad you broke it off with him, although I am truly sorry that you have to deal with it all. There are plenty of men in the world who don't cling to their exes. Here's to hoping you find one of them next time around! :)
Also, I had asked him WHY he still talks to his ex, and he said, "why not?"

I sent him a text message this morning saying, "I want you to know that me breaking it off had absolutely nothing to do with your ex. I just don't like being lied to."

So when I see him at work, or when I go pick up my stuff from his house tomorrow night, I'm going to tell him that I made the mistake of looking at his phone and seeing that he had called her AS SOON AS he left my house on Sunday. Maybe then I'll find out WHY he called her when he did.
[QUOTE=dryNscaly;3313729]I'm going to tell him that I made the mistake of looking at his phone and seeing that he had called her AS SOON AS he left my house on Sunday. Maybe then I'll find out WHY he called her when he did.[/QUOTE]

Don't hold your breath on getting an explanation. He has lied before and I'm sure he can come up with some pathetic excuse, and find a way to blame you in the process.
I agree - don't hold your breath. Honestly, it doesn't seem like either of you are being straight with each other. Clearly, he's still "involved" with his ex. He calls her, he fights with her, she calls him, they are STILL exchanging stuff... they are still involved in an ongoing drama. AND he's lying to you about it. But you're not being totally up front either - come on now - his ex has a lot to do with you breaking it off with him. Assume he hadn't lied ... what would the truth be? It would be "yes, I still talk to my ex, I'm not ready to totally end our connection, I'd rather have an ongoing drama with her than nothing at all." Would that be okay with you? I hope not! Yes, it's the fact that he's lying (not good), but it's also what he's lying about. Either way - lying or the truth - it's not good. And breaking it off was a smart move. If you really like him - tell him to give you a call when his ex is out of the picture and there is nothing to lie about in the first place. It seems like right now he has ONE relationship - half with her, half with you. Together it totals one relationship. Don't settle for that! If he wants a relationship with you, he should cut off all emotional contact with his ex and direct it entirely to you and to building up something with you. But right now, it's half her, half you - he's "involved" with both of you. That's just not ok. Tell him to sort himself out! What he's doing is just unfair - to all invovled.
I don't think he'll ever stop talking to her. He's a selfish person. I let go of my ex for myself and for him, because he loved me and I want him to move on. This guy told me that he wouldn't stop talking to her. He also said that he doesn't want to be with someone who's controlling, apparently I'm controlling. I asked how I was being controlling and he said because I was asking questions about his ex!

If he hadn't said, "why would I call [I]her[/I]?" I would have dismissed the lie. But he is calling her and for him to say something like that is completely shady.
Yup - totally shady. That "you're controlling" bit is utter rubbish! Isn't it funny how the more someone doesn't want to be accountable for their shady behaviour, the more they accuse the people they are accountable to of being "controlling." That's just lame.
Ummmmm... wow. Okay I didn't read the other responses so sorry if I repeat anything..

But first of all if you're checking his phone this early in the relationship THAT IS A MAJOR FLAG!! get it together girl!! How could you not know this? I have never felt the need to check my mans phone in the 2 years we have been together. and if I did that early in the relationship it would have NEVER even turned into a relationship..

If there were any contact with the ex it would speak VERY loudly to me that A-he is not over her, B-he obviously has more feelings for her than I, or C-I'm a rebound.

Look I know your thinking, "well he tells me this and that" and hes probably convincing. but the truth is- there should be NOOOO contact with the ex if they are completely over. or if they have kids together.

But with all those texts there sending back and fourth or what not you should know that he's just not over the way he should be for trying to be with you..

I wish you luck hun.. :angel:

edit- you ended it. congrats!!
After reading your initial post, I'd say run, run, run. Well, not really run, but I think this type of situation is just going to cause pain and misery for years on end. It reminds me so much of my last boyfriend, who after meeting my current boyfreind, doesn't really seem like like he much of of a real boyfriend now. I'd say meet someone nice, who is focused only on you. :-) I think what he is doing is unfair. I don't think he is treating either one of you with very much respect. I wouldn't stand for it if it were me. I would rather be single and available to meet someone else.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:55 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!