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I'm sorry that you are still sitting on this, it must be so very hard. Try to get her to see you this weekend and try to do it. It is so much better for you to do this once and for all. Did you spend the holiday at home alone? I am sorry if you did...but maybe it was best for you and what you needed for yourself. I will be here for you.

I have a lot to update you on....pls. bear with me.

My ex and I are talking on the phone. all is ok on that front and he is really trying...until Saturday when he upset me and I yelled like a crazy woman. Anyway, we are not back together.....he is trying though. He tries to make conversation with me and tries to be a better person and admits that he does this to everyone and is trying tofigure out why. However...I am really not sure what or if I feel for him. God forgive me.....I want to feel what I am supposed to feel...but it has been years since we officially broke up and 1 year since I had last seen him. He was mean to me.......and disrespectful with his mouth (or was). He has gotten better. He is trying I know he cares for me but I want to care for him too.

My neighbor.........a lot.

I was on vacation (at home last week). He works nights........I was very sad and melloncolly (sp.?). I thought is Thanksgiving......I made sure I looked sexiest jean....good makeup, etc. I walked over there and for the life of me rang his bell. I had to! He answered and name and then said how are you? I said I'm good, very good. How are you? He said ok. I said I would like to speak to you for a minute. He said...I just got in I had my niece out shopping could we do it another time? I said ok...that is fine. As I walked away he said...wait...I'm curious. I said no it is ok...I am trying to respect what you asked me. He said give me a hint....I said are you sure? so I said...I am upset about what happened. I told him that I know this is what guys do....they just disappear...poof. I didn't expect tht from you. I thought you were more than an average person..I thought you were a nice guy. Why didn't you just tell me that you did't want to see me anymore. He said the few times things happened it left a bad taste in his mouth. I told him that I was not intentionally harmful to him. That he is a smart man and knows the difference between a decent woman and a not decent woman. I told him he had to know that. He're right....but I am a boy. He likes to joke around. He said the last time we were together he said I kissed him and then told him that I was going to date others (I did...I couldn't get a straight answer from him). He said who does that. He is right Mgneer.....I fkd up....but it isn't all me. I said...look......I never wanted it to be this way....He jokingly said you kicked me to the a stepchild. He was joking. I siad...I didn't do that. We talked a bit......and then talked about the holiday what we were doing, etc. He said he was glad that I was able to come to him....that we talked etc. He siad time will tell. Tell what if we could be friends. Then he said later when I was going home...time heals everything. I said what? He said I don't know....I don't know anything.

Ok...Friday. I bumped into him when I went to get my mail. He asked me how my holiday was. I walked with him and ended up talking to him for 20 mins. He told me all about his family, etc. He told me that he just came back from taking his brother somewhere (he is in rehab). He told me that everyone at his sister's was drinking and then his sister in law annyoed him and after 6 drinks asked him if she could use his car.....he said his mom was getting drunk (she is out of work) and that he wanted to enjoy the day but couldn't so he left and was home very early. He told me that his mom is blowing the money she has...he told me about his sister, her boyfriend, all the things he always opened up to me about. he told me about a confrontation with the woman that caused his mom geting fired. I listened to it all. I only said a little about my holiday. I told him he shouldn't tell everyone his his salary (he talked about $$$ all the time). He said only you and my friend here knows. Why does he talk all this to me when he doesn't want to be with me. He has the gift of gab. I thought bout him the rest of the night. Bad ....crying, etc. Feeling like he is the one I want to be with....and I fkd up. Why.........he just didn't have enough patience or care enough about me to give me a break. He didn't want it. Period. Why can't I put this in my head. Staurday the neighbor we have problems with started up. I ended up seeing him again. He tells me.....he wast home in the morning, watched the big fight on PPV TV Friday night and stayed over his friend's house (of course...I'm think...stayed over you friend's hosue...right). I did however see him at 10:45 going hat, etc. and thought i wonder if he was with soneone else. Ugh....

Anyway, we talked again...I said I am nice...I've always been nice to you (he said something to me). anyway, I was on my way home....with wine, etc. He said....I think the world of you, you now that. I told him that I welcomed him into my home, etc. and he said to me....yes, you did....and I was very comfortable there...more than in my own home. I said ...I just miss you...the conversation and hanging out. He said I will come to see you....and ring your bell....when we are more comfortable with the situation. I told him that I wasn't sure about the oral sex thing.....did u lie to me. He said you shocked me....I never thought......and then he was a long long time since that happened to him. He siad...when I was taking you to dinner you said to me....just because we are going to dinner doesn't mean you are getting laid. Yes I did say that..but I joked. He this point..yes I wanted to but it didn't matter......I didn't like thta you said that. I said look...I really liked you an I miss hanging out with you and your company. I think you are a very nice guy (Mgneer...why do I do this). I said I want you to know that I did not slap you in the face... it was meant to be playful, etc. I told him ...I was taken back by your tone when you said get off of me. I told him ...I know guys don't like when woman cry...but my eyes welled with tears because of your tone. I felt so bad.. I told him about my ex.........I told him I wasn't sur of things. I kissed him and gave him a hug....why did i screw up like this. just a kiss...not a real kiss. He said you can ring my bell anytime you need and I said if you come by I would never turn you away. I am sure things ere said that I am leaving out here but you get my drift. Now I am sick to my stomach. I am trying to avoid all costs. I think I care for him and I don't know why.....I am such a mess.

In the meantime my elementary school friend the other guy called me Saturday. this is just what I needed eh? He said he will call me this week and maybe we can go for a drink. I said ok. me mgneer...I am a mess. I really like my neighbor and I am getting sick over it.

I want him to ring my bell......but do I then get my satisfaction. I am sorry for the typos. Pls....insight....It can't be he is so bad...just not tolerant. I told him that things should have been discussed......and that drugs, etc. are not talkable but what me wasn't so bad. He said he has come a long way.....that if this was hm in the past...if a girl would have said something like that to him he would have disappeared and never looked for her again. I lucky.

Oh...I told him on Thanksgiving eve....I am here.....and it bothers me very much.....I only guess it isn't bothering you. He siad..pls. don't think for don't know what i think or feel. He didn't saying meanly...just said it.

I guess it is all over.. He will visit me when he sees fit and he is comfy enough to know I am ok.

I really miss him and I don't know why.

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