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With respect to the issue of money, it seems as though my parents' primary concern was that my girlfriend's aging mother appears to have no plan for retirement or any sicknesses, etc. They do not want to see me in a situation where I am financing her retirement and I agree with that. I think that my statement that my parents are judging her and her socioeconomic background was true in part, but maybe not entirely correct. I do not feel like they are judging her on the amount of money that she has or does not have, only on how her lack of money might affect me in the future through her mother and other family members.
[QUOTE=elnino;3334426]With respect to the issue of money, it seems as though my parents' primary concern was that my girlfriend's aging mother appears to have no plan for retirement or any sicknesses, etc. They do not want to see me in a situation where I am financing her retirement and I agree with that. I think that my statement that my parents are judging her and her socioeconomic background was true in part, but maybe not entirely correct. I do not feel like they are judging her on the amount of money that she has or does not have, only on how her lack of money might affect me in the future through her mother and other family members.[/QUOTE]

But yeah know the way I see it thats what family is for to help when help is needed. Certainly even family with a good chuck of change put back for retirement hits bad times. And when that money is gone for whatever reason they may fall back on family to help. Besides that family helps family when they may need it especially as one becomes older.

But let me tell you this. My mom does not have a lot of money neither does her parents (my grandparents) but when my grandfather had a stroke, triple heart bypass surgery not once did she think her kids and their spouses should help with his bills. She took care of what needed to be done. But be assured her kids did help as they could; helped with the house, drove my grandma out of state to be with my grandfather through his surgeries, etc. Why because they are a family and family helps each other.

Sounds to me like you do agree with your mom tho. It sounds as if she is just bringing up things you just did not think in advance for. And now thats its there you see as she does that you need to be with someone of equal status just of the off chance that ones family may (or may not) become a burden. And to me its sad when money plays a big part in who you plan to be with with. Its sad that one would even think of leaving someone because they don't come from money.

And because I did not touch much on the daughter issue. I feel like if you walked into the relationship knowing she had a daughter why after 3 years are you wondering if you can be a step dad for at least the next 8 years. And that may be longer because not all kids leave at 18.

The whole situation just blows my mind and I am rambling now.
The last couple days have been very difficult for the both of us, but ultimately we agreed that we have a good thing going and are going to stay together. The comments of Happy Mother are typical of some of the comments that have been critical of my behavior and that of my family and, so, I will address them one by one.

1. Actually, I get along very well with my girlfriend's daughter and, the thing that changed recently that made me think a little bit more about this was moving into a house with my girlfriend and her daughter. Previously, we had been living separately. What makes it difficult, sometimes, is not thinking about how that child is acting presently (she is 10 years old), but contemplating how she is going to be in the future and I know that I was a difficult child. It is not that I consider her child to be a "burden", but I do prefer the time that my girlfriend and I spend without her. (We do like to go on "date nights" and have time to ourselves.) In that, I am just being honest. In any case, there was a minor concern and I voiced it. In my opinion, it is better off to resolve all problems before getting married then to get married, only to get divorced subsequently after. Problems never get resolved until both her and I voice whatever concerns that we might have.

2. I have spoken with my girlfriend at length about the subject and, essentially, what I would like to have happen would be for everyone to get along as they had been getting along before the Thanksgiving "incident." I have reiterated, on numerous occasions, that none of this was her fault, whatsoever, and that I agreed that she was being unfairly judged. I have never said otherwise, That said, it would be nice if everyone were "onboard" so that the next time that we get together, the feeling can be one of understanding and, hopefully, mutual respect. I have never understood it to be the case that my parent's opinions are dispositive on the issue of my marriage and I always intended to make my own, independent decision. That said, as I stated previously, it was my hope that I would be able to resolve this issue by listening to both sides, but ultimately understanding that it was my own decision.

3. With respect to the final point, I continue to maintain that I feel like I have no obligation, whatsoever, to take care of any of her family should it become necessary. They have never made any provisions that I know of on their own behalves to provide for themselves in retirement or in sickness and have, instead, chosen to spend it on themselves. Now that I am here, this is not some kind of version of the dole and that is a role that I will not undertake. I do not think that they are bad people, whatsoever, just irresponsible with respect to the run-of-the-mill necessities that come up for people over the years.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3337745] I would never ever tell you that you should feel obligated to carry their retirement for them. [/QUOTE]

Nor would I Elnino; we all have an obligation to be responsible for ourselves.

[QUOTE=happymom28;3337745] All I meant (and maybe didn't word it the best) is that you shouldn't just assume that is what they think will happen. [/QUOTE]

OP, why [I]do[/I] you assume that is what they think will happen? Why do you assume you'll be treated like "some kind of version of the dole"?

I'm sorry, but it seems to me you have a dim view of your in-laws; it seems to me you think they have no self-respect, and from what you've said I can only gather you think so because they are not from the same "socio-economic" class as yourself. There's a term for that sort of attitude Elnino; it's called 'class prejudice'.





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