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Hello,

I feel so stuck. I have been with my husband for almost 18 years. Pretty much most of them have been some form of abuse whether physical or verbal.

I do not know what to do and have no one around. I have 3 children (two teenagers and one8 year old). If it was not for them I would not care what happens and would probably just end it. But I cannot stand the idea of them being left with him.

I do not want to blaim him for everything. He had a hard childhood and we even believe him to be bipolar but he said he will never takes meds for it to supress him. the past couple of years and now months his anger is worse than ever. Dinner just not tasting right will throw him into a rage and plates across the room because "I am not women enough to get it done right". He tells me constantly that he hates me now. That all he ever wanted was for me to love him and I could not. I loved him (and somehow still do) with my whole heart but he has been always about himself. Even womens phone numbers, etc from the start. I think he may have had an affair to two but he wont admit it but he is always accusing me of things so I am sure something happened.

He is always blaiming me telling me that I am a coward because when he has an issue I do not know how to deal with it. It usually ends with me being hit, slapped or punched. I will try and tell him I am sorry, he does not want to hear it, I will explain why something happened, but that is just an excuse to him. Then when he threathens me and I leave the room I am a coward. I told him I was made to be a coward because the one person who I was suppose to think would only love me my whole life, I now fear.

He tells me all the time I should leave, I say i don't want to (I do) because when I did before and tried to, it ended up with me being thrown all over the kitchen and told that I was killing our family. He tells me I just want to stay because I need him and am nothing without him. I make a good weekly check and even though it would be hard I am sure I could make things work for my kids & I.

We have been arguing for one week now because last Monday the spaghetti noodles were a little soggy. Every day last week when I tried to talk to him he would tell me to leave it alone because it will never be better between us and the damage is done. Then this weekend he went off saying I wait until the last minute for everything. Told me he wanted me to start looking for a place. I ended up sleepinging in the living room, next day called a coward again for this. Last night tried talking to him but he said none of it mattered. That all I ever had to do was touch his heart. I explained that it is hard to get the courage up to do this when you have the fear of something hurting you. But of course his hurt goes much further than mine. My heart apparently does not ache.

Well when I got up this morning I found that he had cut up all my clothes in the closet last night, and I mean everything. If it was not for the fact that I had clothes in the washer and dryer I would only of had pajamas today. I just do not know what to do. I can try and face him when he gets home tonight and just deal with my punishment because I have a friend I could stay with but do not want to leave my kids and he is not going to let them go with me at this point. I know my olders one would be ok but my youngest would be so scared and confused without me.

Just scared and confused at this point.





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